Anyone give up their career for family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did and I don't regret it. Nothing that I got from my job except money mattered. Once I realized that climbing corporate ladder led to nowhere, it was easy for me to step back and focus on my family.

There are several jobs that "matter." I advocate on behalf of cancer patients to ensure they and their families receive the care they need. I am also a pretty good mom. I'm not climbing a corporate ladder, but I'm paid well enough and want to make the world a better place while I raise children who also contribute to society.

It’s ok to say you enjoy your job and find its importance matters to you. But if you were to die tomorrow, they’d fill your position the next day. Would your role at home be so easily filled? Maybe THAT is what truly “matters”. Your job fulfills you most in life, just be honest with yourself.

I love my job too. I do important work that matters to others. But I’m not a fool. I know I’m easily replaced tomorrow. What matters most in life is within those four walls of home. I’m not as easily replaced there.

Funny you say that. I WOH, and surprisingly enough my cleaning lady does a better job than me and my husband cooks and shops just as well. Clothes are as clean when nanny runs the washer. When baby was napping 6 hrs during the day nanny was just as good at listening to the monitor. I do have flex hours so I worked from home the first year, which meant I could nurse my babies and see their milestones. Often I’ve been home to have lunch with them when they get back from preschool. I’m home by 4 and work after they sleep, so after they are done with their post-nap snack we play and have dinner and relax before bed. I do mommy and me classes on the weekdays and drive them to lessons. Their preschool teachers did a great job of working with them on social skills and a second language, and I felt they had a child-centered world and environment there which really helped their growth. Sure, no one can replace me as mom — the bonding and relationship is very important. But you can maintain that and WOH. Differentiating the role from the relationship and deciding which parts of that role you want and need to fulfill is part of that.

Finally, my work is in teaching and research. I’m sure they could replace me but no one will ever write the books and articles I’ve written. No one will have the mentorship relationship I’ve cultivated with students over the years. Similarly there are women out there who are serving their communities in all kinds of meaningful and rich ways. I think family is super important, and I’ve made career sacrifices to prioritize it. But I also think women can and should seek personal fulfillment in other ways if they want to, and the world is a better place for it. Since my children are always going to need and be part of a larger world and society, I find meaning in contributing to it and giving them a model of that.

I think you meant to say, “No one will ever READ the articles and books I’ve written.”

You should be grateful for the flexibility that you have and understand that many, many jobs do not allow for that. Hence, in order to be present parents, many people do have to give up their dream careers for something else.

Touché, LOL. Actually I've been surprised at the reception my work has gotten, but it's true that most research is incremental and you don't do it for the fame or the money.

As for the career -- yes, I understand that many jobs don't allow this, and frankly it's not been a cakewalk to balance what my family needs with the demands of tenure track in a competitive university. But I'm very grateful for having this opportunity. It's something that I worked hard and sacrificed years for, and that is a trade-off relative to corporate jobs. If I had gone into consulting I'd make three times as much but with very different hours.

Re: PP's point that there is no meaning outside of the home and no way to be present for your kids except SAH, I still don't think that's true. I know parents who have taught music or run a successful PT or counseling business out of their home. Parents who freelance or do event planning. Parents who are PT doctors with good hours (rare, I know, but these are women in small clinical practices) and parents who are nurses and work only 3 days a week (very challenging in terms of total hours, but they can still go to school events and be present for their kids). It depends on what you want to do, but it's not the either/or that people here make it out to be -- either you work 7-7 in a soul-crushing job or you SAH 24/7. There are other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did and I don't regret it. Nothing that I got from my job except money mattered. Once I realized that climbing corporate ladder led to nowhere, it was easy for me to step back and focus on my family.

There are several jobs that "matter." I advocate on behalf of cancer patients to ensure they and their families receive the care they need. I am also a pretty good mom. I'm not climbing a corporate ladder, but I'm paid well enough and want to make the world a better place while I raise children who also contribute to society.

It’s ok to say you enjoy your job and find its importance matters to you. But if you were to die tomorrow, they’d fill your position the next day. Would your role at home be so easily filled? Maybe THAT is what truly “matters”. Your job fulfills you most in life, just be honest with yourself.

I love my job too. I do important work that matters to others. But I’m not a fool. I know I’m easily replaced tomorrow. What matters most in life is within those four walls of home. I’m not as easily replaced there.

Funny you say that. I WOH, and surprisingly enough my cleaning lady does a better job than me and my husband cooks and shops just as well. Clothes are as clean when nanny runs the washer. When baby was napping 6 hrs during the day nanny was just as good at listening to the monitor. I do have flex hours so I worked from home the first year, which meant I could nurse my babies and see their milestones. Often I’ve been home to have lunch with them when they get back from preschool. I’m home by 4 and work after they sleep, so after they are done with their post-nap snack we play and have dinner and relax before bed. I do mommy and me classes on the weekdays and drive them to lessons. Their preschool teachers did a great job of working with them on social skills and a second language, and I felt they had a child-centered world and environment there which really helped their growth. Sure, no one can replace me as mom — the bonding and relationship is very important. But you can maintain that and WOH. Differentiating the role from the relationship and deciding which parts of that role you want and need to fulfill is part of that.

Finally, my work is in teaching and research. I’m sure they could replace me but no one will ever write the books and articles I’ve written. No one will have the mentorship relationship I’ve cultivated with students over the years. Similarly there are women out there who are serving their communities in all kinds of meaningful and rich ways. I think family is super important, and I’ve made career sacrifices to prioritize it. But I also think women can and should seek personal fulfillment in other ways if they want to, and the world is a better place for it. Since my children are always going to need and be part of a larger world and society, I find meaning in contributing to it and giving them a model of that.

I think you meant to say, “No one will ever READ the articles and books I’ve written.”

You should be grateful for the flexibility that you have and understand that many, many jobs do not allow for that. Hence, in order to be present parents, many people do have to give up their dream careers for something else.

Touché, LOL. Actually I've been surprised at the reception my work has gotten, but it's true that most research is incremental and you don't do it for the fame or the money.

As for the career -- yes, I understand that many jobs don't allow this, and frankly it's not been a cakewalk to balance what my family needs with the demands of tenure track in a competitive university. But I'm very grateful for having this opportunity. It's something that I worked hard and sacrificed years for, and that is a trade-off relative to corporate jobs. If I had gone into consulting I'd make three times as much but with very different hours.

Re: PP's point that there is no meaning outside of the home and no way to be present for your kids except SAH, I still don't think that's true. I know parents who have taught music or run a successful PT or counseling business out of their home. Parents who freelance or do event planning. Parents who are PT doctors with good hours (rare, I know, but these are women in small clinical practices) and parents who are nurses and work only 3 days a week (very challenging in terms of total hours, but they can still go to school events and be present for their kids). It depends on what you want to do, but it's not the either/or that people here make it out to be -- either you work 7-7 in a soul-crushing job or you SAH 24/7. There are other ways.

I wonder what "other ways" your nanny and cleaning lady have. Their labor gives you the PRIVILEGE of flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did and I don't regret it. Nothing that I got from my job except money mattered. Once I realized that climbing corporate ladder led to nowhere, it was easy for me to step back and focus on my family.

There are several jobs that "matter." I advocate on behalf of cancer patients to ensure they and their families receive the care they need. I am also a pretty good mom. I'm not climbing a corporate ladder, but I'm paid well enough and want to make the world a better place while I raise children who also contribute to society.

It’s ok to say you enjoy your job and find its importance matters to you. But if you were to die tomorrow, they’d fill your position the next day. Would your role at home be so easily filled? Maybe THAT is what truly “matters”. Your job fulfills you most in life, just be honest with yourself.

I love my job too. I do important work that matters to others. But I’m not a fool. I know I’m easily replaced tomorrow. What matters most in life is within those four walls of home. I’m not as easily replaced there.

Funny you say that. I WOH, and surprisingly enough my cleaning lady does a better job than me and my husband cooks and shops just as well. Clothes are as clean when nanny runs the washer. When baby was napping 6 hrs during the day nanny was just as good at listening to the monitor. I do have flex hours so I worked from home the first year, which meant I could nurse my babies and see their milestones. Often I’ve been home to have lunch with them when they get back from preschool. I’m home by 4 and work after they sleep, so after they are done with their post-nap snack we play and have dinner and relax before bed. I do mommy and me classes on the weekdays and drive them to lessons. Their preschool teachers did a great job of working with them on social skills and a second language, and I felt they had a child-centered world and environment there which really helped their growth. Sure, no one can replace me as mom — the bonding and relationship is very important. But you can maintain that and WOH. Differentiating the role from the relationship and deciding which parts of that role you want and need to fulfill is part of that.

Finally, my work is in teaching and research. I’m sure they could replace me but no one will ever write the books and articles I’ve written. No one will have the mentorship relationship I’ve cultivated with students over the years. Similarly there are women out there who are serving their communities in all kinds of meaningful and rich ways. I think family is super important, and I’ve made career sacrifices to prioritize it. But I also think women can and should seek personal fulfillment in other ways if they want to, and the world is a better place for it. Since my children are always going to need and be part of a larger world and society, I find meaning in contributing to it and giving them a model of that.

I think you meant to say, “No one will ever READ the articles and books I’ve written.”

You should be grateful for the flexibility that you have and understand that many, many jobs do not allow for that. Hence, in order to be present parents, many people do have to give up their dream careers for something else.

Touché, LOL. Actually I've been surprised at the reception my work has gotten, but it's true that most research is incremental and you don't do it for the fame or the money.

As for the career -- yes, I understand that many jobs don't allow this, and frankly it's not been a cakewalk to balance what my family needs with the demands of tenure track in a competitive university. But I'm very grateful for having this opportunity. It's something that I worked hard and sacrificed years for, and that is a trade-off relative to corporate jobs. If I had gone into consulting I'd make three times as much but with very different hours.

Re: PP's point that there is no meaning outside of the home and no way to be present for your kids except SAH, I still don't think that's true. I know parents who have taught music or run a successful PT or counseling business out of their home. Parents who freelance or do event planning. Parents who are PT doctors with good hours (rare, I know, but these are women in small clinical practices) and parents who are nurses and work only 3 days a week (very challenging in terms of total hours, but they can still go to school events and be present for their kids). It depends on what you want to do, but it's not the either/or that people here make it out to be -- either you work 7-7 in a soul-crushing job or you SAH 24/7. There are other ways.

I wonder what "other ways" your nanny and cleaning lady have. Their labor gives you the PRIVILEGE of flexibility.

My cleaning lady has 5 kids, she brought all of them to work with her. They are lovely. She enjoys the flexibility of having her own business. Spends one month a year traveling, and drives a much fancier car than me!

My nanny doesn’t have kids yet. She plans to work first and then go part time when she has kids. She’s fabulous with kids, I think she could teach preschool if she wanted.

In any case, there really are lots of ways. I’m not sure why you think women who work in these sectors have less flexibility. The ones who really don’t are those in careers with few on/off ramps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did and I don't regret it. Nothing that I got from my job except money mattered. Once I realized that climbing corporate ladder led to nowhere, it was easy for me to step back and focus on my family.

+1

If finances are not the issue, then spending time with family is not a difficult choice. Yes, I did it to provide care to my kids, but also wanted them to have the psychological benefit of being with mom, and for my own happiness that I got being with them and enjoying all their milestones. I was able to shape and guide their enrichment and avail/create opportunities tailored to their interests. It was all worthwhile.

I would caution though that if you are not financially very secure, and do not have a great marriage, good support system and are not educated to get back into the workforce - think twice before leaving your career. Poverty is worse than daycare.

[Anonymous]

To the poster who is in research - as a SAHM, I am happy that your job has flexibility for you to find balance. The problem is that women in this country do not have flexibility at job when they become mothers. I also do not think that US will ever change regarding equal pay, paid maternity leave, flexible schedule, remote dial-in etc.

As a mom to a daughter, I have steered her into a professional track that allows for her to take time off for a baby, and I intend to provide her with child care. But, this is such a sad state of affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who is in research - as a SAHM, I am happy that your job has flexibility for you to find balance. The problem is that women in this country do not have flexibility at job when they become mothers. I also do not think that US will ever change regarding equal pay, paid maternity leave, flexible schedule, remote dial-in etc.

As a mom to a daughter, I have steered her into a professional track that allows for her to take time off for a baby, and I intend to provide her with child care. But, this is such a sad state of affair.

It is not just women who don't have flexibility, many men don't have flexibility.

My Husband and I are able to make a two working parent household work because his job is as flexible as my job is. I can go into work at 6:30 AM and be home when school lets out. He can get into work by 10 AM, which allows him to be home for drop off at 8:30 and then get to work. When we have a sick kid or a snow day, he can go in later (12 or 1) so I can get some hours in before coming home.

But it only works because we both have flexible jobs. And it wasn't something that either of us planned for, we had our jobs long before we had our child.

We both realize that we are very, very lucky. We make good salaries and are able to flex time so that we are able to be at home for our child.

Too much of the parenting discussion is placed on flexibility for the Mom when the reality is that it only works well if there is flexibility for both parents. We need to move from the idea that the Mom needs to be available for sick days or snow days to both parents need to be available. As long as we continue to think about this as a Mom only issue, the more people longer we continue to look at the "risks" of hiring a woman because she might need to take time off for her family. That only perpetuates the wage and promotion gap that currently exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did and I don't regret it. Nothing that I got from my job except money mattered. Once I realized that climbing corporate ladder led to nowhere, it was easy for me to step back and focus on my family.

There are several jobs that "matter." I advocate on behalf of cancer patients to ensure they and their families receive the care they need. I am also a pretty good mom. I'm not climbing a corporate ladder, but I'm paid well enough and want to make the world a better place while I raise children who also contribute to society.

It’s ok to say you enjoy your job and find its importance matters to you. But if you were to die tomorrow, they’d fill your position the next day. Would your role at home be so easily filled? Maybe THAT is what truly “matters”. Your job fulfills you most in life, just be honest with yourself.

I love my job too. I do important work that matters to others. But I’m not a fool. I know I’m easily replaced tomorrow. What matters most in life is within those four walls of home. I’m not as easily replaced there.

The assumption that I am not there for my child because I work is absolutely ridiculous. Like I said, I feel that my job matters but I also have chosen to work in a field where I'm not working 80 hours a week. Don't worry, my kids are doing great and I'm aware they matter. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did. I was an architect, it’s a job that pays relatively poorly and requires crazy hours, so it’s not compatible with family in terms of either being around for your kids or even paying enough to have a nanny. I found a fed job with incredible flexibility and comparable pay, but in a mostly unrelated field. I work from home and can work part time. I worked in my original field for 10 years though, so I got a lot out of it. And my degree definitely helped me get the fed job.

It was an agonizing decision bc I fought hard to get there, but I am so very happy. I miss it much less than I thought. My mom friends in my old field really struggle, many have left if they can, even some dads (often gay dads) have left for either more lucrative jobs or more family time. It’s a sad loss for the profession, in my opinion.

I am an architect with two kids mom and trying to find a job either in fed or some other fields. I have about 20 years of experience. Could you let me know which field you are in and any other fields you think the architectual background could help?

Thanks,