I don’t understand why DH thinks he deserves things for working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time he goes away, hire a sitter and if he doesn't like it, too bad.

What will he do if you go away and don't come back, really? What do you honestly think he would do?

Blow up my phone...with texts, calls, use find my friends..take DCs to where I am...throw a fit and leave them. Or, call his parents or mine to tell them I have been gone for hours and doesn’t know when I am coming home.

OP if this were to happen, this should be a red flag for your parents that there's something wrong with your DH (not you).

So he is willing to lie to your parents and his parents about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was similar when our only child was younger. He would go off to play golf or whatever for a full day, but if I went to run some errand by myself he’d be constantly calling me asking when I would be home. I think it was due to two reasons: 1. He’d rather be relaxing or doing whatever he wanted to do rather than dealing with an infant, toddler or preschooler. 2. Insecurity and not thinking he could handle things on his own.

He would try to pin me down to a time when I’d return and would get annoyed when I wouldn’t tell him an exact time or didn’t arrive home by that exact time. I finally told him I wouldn’t give him a time just to appease him and he could deal. He also would call my parents and ask them to watch DS if I had plans so that I didn’t get time away and he didn’t. He got plenty of time off—he just would think if I was “off” then he should be off too.

It has gotten better as DS has gotten older and much more independent. DH is still very tit for tat and counts beans. If I have a girls night then he’s on the phone that evening planning his next outing. We have a group of friends and trade off guys trips and girls trips with a few couples trips as well. I’m more of a homebody so as long as I get to do what I want to do when it’s important to me then I don’t really care what DH does.

It is a bad dynamic and you can’t let him take advantage of you because he will. He’s probably overwhelmed and would prefer to not deal with it so he just expects you to deal with it. It’s a big part of the reason we didn’t have another kid.

I forgot to mention that if I was out with my best friend then DH would call her to ask when I’d be home if I didn’t respond to his texts or if it was close to the time I said I’d be home and wasn’t yet home. It was so frustrating.

[Anonymous]

He’s of an older generation (his mindset, not his age). Men used to have a lot of free time. I know my grandpas never had to deal with family time on nights and weekends. They went to the bar after work, golfing with buddies etc. Dads didn’t used to be involved. They had sahms who never hassled them.

Times have changed and your dh needs to her with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either he has depression and it's manifesting as avoidance and anger (common in men) or he's an abuser and you'll have to get a divorce.

Or an anxiety disorder. The babysitter refusal indicates that. Or it could be a means of controlling the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s of an older generation (his mindset, not his age). Men used to have a lot of free time. I know my grandpas never had to deal with family time on nights and weekends. They went to the bar after work, golfing with buddies etc. Dads didn’t used to be involved. They had sahms who never hassled them.

Times have changed and your dh needs to her with it.

Did men of that generation freak out and lie to their parents to make their wives look bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a man baby who doesn't actually care about treating you equally or being an adequate parent. That said, he may leave you if you push it too hard.

I would suggest you short-circuit this whole thing by hiring a Saturday morning babysitter. And stop coming back to rescue him.

As the kids are older I am more comfortable with not coming back. He won’t agree to a sitter....thinks a parent should be with the kids.

What exactly do you think he will do if you don't come back?

Has he always been an asshole or is this a new development?

Honestly, it manifested itself after #2 was born.

It sounds like he's just not up for the hassle of two little kids. Because let's be real, it's a lot. I'd like more personal time too. He's allowing himself to treat you unfairly because he's having a hard time coping with his responsibilities.

The next time he goes away, hire a sitter and if he doesn't like it, too bad.

What will he do if you go away and don't come back, really? What do you honestly think he would do?

Blow up my phone...with texts, calls, use find my friends..take DCs to where I am...throw a fit and leave them. Or, call his parents or mine to tell them I have been gone for hours and doesn’t know when I am coming home.

Ok honey, you are in an abusive relationship and he is controlling you. You need a therapist of your own to help you safely get a divorce. That's super duper f*cked up behavior.

NP +1

Not good.

And since he involves your parents in your marital issues, I’d just preemptively call both of them to let them know the situation and that he is babysitting for a few hours and that they shouldn’t react to his ridiculous hysterics and tantrums. And do not tell him where you are.

[Anonymous]

He was too old when he had kids. Stuck on Single Selfish Mode for too long. Now doing anything for anyone else feels like an unreasonable burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a man baby who doesn't actually care about treating you equally or being an adequate parent. That said, he may leave you if you push it too hard.

I would suggest you short-circuit this whole thing by hiring a Saturday morning babysitter. And stop coming back to rescue him.

As the kids are older I am more comfortable with not coming back. He won’t agree to a sitter....thinks a parent should be with the kids.

What exactly do you think he will do if you don't come back?

Has he always been an asshole or is this a new development?

Honestly, it manifested itself after #2 was born.

It sounds like he's just not up for the hassle of two little kids. Because let's be real, it's a lot. I'd like more personal time too. He's allowing himself to treat you unfairly because he's having a hard time coping with his responsibilities.

The next time he goes away, hire a sitter and if he doesn't like it, too bad.

What will he do if you go away and don't come back, really? What do you honestly think he would do?

Blow up my phone...with texts, calls, use find my friends..take DCs to where I am...throw a fit and leave them. Or, call his parents or mine to tell them I have been gone for hours and doesn’t know when I am coming home.

Ok honey, you are in an abusive relationship and he is controlling you. You need a therapist of your own to help you safely get a divorce. That's super duper f*cked up behavior.

NP +1

Not good.

And since he involves your parents in your marital issues, I’d just preemptively call both of them to let them know the situation and that he is babysitting for a few hours and that they shouldn’t react to his ridiculous hysterics and tantrums. And do not tell him where you are.

You guys need to calm down. OP was asked a hypothetical question. He has not done this as far as we know because OP comes home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a man baby who doesn't actually care about treating you equally or being an adequate parent. That said, he may leave you if you push it too hard.

I would suggest you short-circuit this whole thing by hiring a Saturday morning babysitter. And stop coming back to rescue him.

As the kids are older I am more comfortable with not coming back. He won’t agree to a sitter....thinks a parent should be with the kids.

What exactly do you think he will do if you don't come back?

Has he always been an asshole or is this a new development?

Honestly, it manifested itself after #2 was born.

It sounds like he's just not up for the hassle of two little kids. Because let's be real, it's a lot. I'd like more personal time too. He's allowing himself to treat you unfairly because he's having a hard time coping with his responsibilities.

The next time he goes away, hire a sitter and if he doesn't like it, too bad.

What will he do if you go away and don't come back, really? What do you honestly think he would do?

Blow up my phone...with texts, calls, use find my friends..take DCs to where I am...throw a fit and leave them. Or, call his parents or mine to tell them I have been gone for hours and doesn’t know when I am coming home.

Ok honey, you are in an abusive relationship and he is controlling you. You need a therapist of your own to help you safely get a divorce. That's super duper f*cked up behavior.

NP +1

Not good.

And since he involves your parents in your marital issues, I’d just preemptively call both of them to let them know the situation and that he is babysitting for a few hours and that they shouldn’t react to his ridiculous hysterics and tantrums. And do not tell him where you are.

You guys need to calm down. OP was asked a hypothetical question. He has not done this as far as we know because OP comes home.

Still, it's telling that she thinks he would. Here's what my DH would do if I were gone for the day-- he'd be fine! He'd handle everything, he might be a little tired by the end, but it wouldn't be a problem AT ALL. Even if it went badly or a kid got sick, he wouldn't pitch a giant fit. He wouldn't chase me down. He definitely wouldn't LIE TO MY PARENTS about me. Something is very, very wrong if that's what she thinks he would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was too old when he had kids. Stuck on Single Selfish Mode for too long. Now doing anything for anyone else feels like an unreasonable burden.

Ding ding ding

[Anonymous]

Book an afternoon out, and then EMAIL HIM AND BOTH SETS OF PARENTS about your plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a man baby who doesn't actually care about treating you equally or being an adequate parent. That said, he may leave you if you push it too hard.

I would suggest you short-circuit this whole thing by hiring a Saturday morning babysitter. And stop coming back to rescue him.

As the kids are older I am more comfortable with not coming back. He won’t agree to a sitter....thinks a parent should be with the kids.

What exactly do you think he will do if you don't come back?

Has he always been an asshole or is this a new development?

Honestly, it manifested itself after #2 was born.

It sounds like he's just not up for the hassle of two little kids. Because let's be real, it's a lot. I'd like more personal time too. He's allowing himself to treat you unfairly because he's having a hard time coping with his responsibilities.

The next time he goes away, hire a sitter and if he doesn't like it, too bad.

What will he do if you go away and don't come back, really? What do you honestly think he would do?

Blow up my phone...with texts, calls, use find my friends..take DCs to where I am...throw a fit and leave them. Or, call his parents or mine to tell them I have been gone for hours and doesn’t know when I am coming home.

Ok honey, you are in an abusive relationship and he is controlling you. You need a therapist of your own to help you safely get a divorce. That's super duper f*cked up behavior.

NP +1

Not good.

And since he involves your parents in your marital issues, I’d just preemptively call both of them to let them know the situation and that he is babysitting for a few hours and that they shouldn’t react to his ridiculous hysterics and tantrums. And do not tell him where you are.

Np: he’s taking care of the kids - he’s not “babysitting” his own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married a man child. Sorry. Hard to tell sometimes ahead of time.

Yep. Nothing brings out the "baby" in "man-baby" like having kids.

OP my DH left me for golf weekends... very pregnant. A flight away. When snowpocalypse came AND the furnace died. Good times.

I ended up leaving HIM. Permanently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a man baby who doesn't actually care about treating you equally or being an adequate parent. That said, he may leave you if you push it too hard.

I would suggest you short-circuit this whole thing by hiring a Saturday morning babysitter. And stop coming back to rescue him.

As the kids are older I am more comfortable with not coming back. He won’t agree to a sitter....thinks a parent should be with the kids.

What exactly do you think he will do if you don't come back?

Has he always been an asshole or is this a new development?

Honestly, it manifested itself after #2 was born.

It sounds like he's just not up for the hassle of two little kids. Because let's be real, it's a lot. I'd like more personal time too. He's allowing himself to treat you unfairly because he's having a hard time coping with his responsibilities.

The next time he goes away, hire a sitter and if he doesn't like it, too bad.

What will he do if you go away and don't come back, really? What do you honestly think he would do?

Blow up my phone...with texts, calls, use find my friends..take DCs to where I am...throw a fit and leave them. Or, call his parents or mine to tell them I have been gone for hours and doesn’t know when I am coming home.

Ok honey, you are in an abusive relationship and he is controlling you. You need a therapist of your own to help you safely get a divorce. That's super duper f*cked up behavior.

NP +1

Not good.

And since he involves your parents in your marital issues, I’d just preemptively call both of them to let them know the situation and that he is babysitting for a few hours and that they shouldn’t react to his ridiculous hysterics and tantrums. And do not tell him where you are.

Np: he’s taking care of the kids - he’s not “babysitting” his own children.

I actually meant that kind of sarcastically, but yes I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is he ok with picking up the slack while you have an equal amount of fun time?

In theory yes. In reality, he doesn’t last one hour with the DCs without needing me to come home or makes some excuse why he can’t be home.

So you tell him exactly that, and say you won't countenance his escapades if he can't be serious about childcare and chores while you take your much-deserved fun time.