Do people really always find out they're being cheated on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course all affairs aren’t discovered. What a silly notion.

OP here. It sounded like a ridiculous assertion to me too. About 40% of married people cheat at some point. Cheating isn't what ends most marriages. No married friends of mine have had their spouses cheat that they know of.

It seems like it's probably happening all over, without much fuss or drama.

I don't think it is that high. The research I looked at said more in the 15-25% range. Some put women lower and men higher and others had them fairly equal.

I have had two close female friends cheat on their husbands. Both divorced, one is still with the guy she cheated with and the other is remarried but to someone else. Those are the ones I know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I cheated on my ex husband. Had about a year long local affair. We broke it off. XH and I had kids. Got divorced. He still doesn’t know. My AP is still married to the woman he was with when we were having our affair.

Are you glad you got divorced anyway? I assume the marriage was dead to you before the affair. Was it? Did AP consider a divorce? Or was he just meeting physical needs? Who ended it? Did the wife find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I cheated on my ex husband. Had about a year long local affair. We broke it off. XH and I had kids. Got divorced. He still doesn’t know. My AP is still married to the woman he was with when we were having our affair.

Are you glad you got divorced anyway? I assume the marriage was dead to you before the affair. Was it? Did AP consider a divorce? Or was he just meeting physical needs? Who ended it? Did the wife find out?

PP here that’s a lot of questions!

I am glad I got divorced. My XH was very low drive and pretty damn mean to me. I didn’t realize how mean he was until after the divorce

No AP never considered divorce (at least not for me). His wife never found out. It ended mutually. It was getting to dangerous and neither of us harbored secret desires to get caught. We all knew each other too. He did reach out when we were getting divorced. I’m sure he was worried I’d go nuclear and spill the beans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps some cheaters have a personality disorder but not everyone. Sex is a biological imperative especially for men. I love my wife. She's beautiful, successful, smart, and a good person, but we are on nearly opposite ends in terms of libido. Was a I hurt/angry/frustrated for a couple of years? Yes. Did my resentment negatively affect my marriage? Yes. However, she is absolutely who I want to be with...I just needed a way to satisfy my physical needs and so do others.

Blah blah blah me me me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps some cheaters have a personality disorder but not everyone. Sex is a biological imperative especially for men. I love my wife. She's beautiful, successful, smart, and a good person, but we are on nearly opposite ends in terms of libido. Was a I hurt/angry/frustrated for a couple of years? Yes. Did my resentment negatively affect my marriage? Yes. However, she is absolutely who I want to be with...I just needed a way to satisfy my physical needs and so do others.

Why not talk to your wife about an open marriage? I'm sure if you reassure her you love her and aren't leaving her and only need the other woman to fulfill your biological needs shell understand and give you her blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course all affairs aren’t discovered. What a silly notion.

+1. Have been having an in town affair for 5 years with spouse none the wiser.

This was my dad. My mom knew and she stayed because if her kids and not wanting to be a divorced single mom.

As we got older we kids knew too, we never confronted dad but we knew.

I’m not surprised. Men aren’t very good at being discreet. I’m not a man.

This is your response to someone telling you their parent was a cheater their entire childhood? I agree with the pp who said cheaters have personality disorders.

I’m supposed to cry about something that happened to a stranger 30 years ago? No.

Sociopath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I mean they do but with outside help usually.

I may be an unusually absent-minded wife but I had no idea my DH had a longterm mistress until she told me at the playground our children were siblings. Her child at that point was four years old.

Whoa. Are you still married to him?

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps some cheaters have a personality disorder but not everyone. Sex is a biological imperative especially for men. I love my wife. She's beautiful, successful, smart, and a good person, but we are on nearly opposite ends in terms of libido. Was a I hurt/angry/frustrated for a couple of years? Yes. Did my resentment negatively affect my marriage? Yes. However, she is absolutely who I want to be with...I just needed a way to satisfy my physical needs and so do others.

You know sex and marriage have only recently become a package deal. For centuries, these were separate needs fulfilled by separate providers who did not threaten each other in the slightest.

But wasn’t it only the husband who could find a lover(s)?

Women did too but more discreetly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps some cheaters have a personality disorder but not everyone. Sex is a biological imperative especially for men. I love my wife. She's beautiful, successful, smart, and a good person, but we are on nearly opposite ends in terms of libido. Was a I hurt/angry/frustrated for a couple of years? Yes. Did my resentment negatively affect my marriage? Yes. However, she is absolutely who I want to be with...I just needed a way to satisfy my physical needs and so do others.

Blah blah blah me me me!

Actually he's being extremely generous towards his low drive wife by putting in the considerable effort for a married man to find a sex partner while preserving his wife's happy married world. Their current DADT system is working well for both of them. Please don't pretend that she "really" wants to know, or that she is foolish enough to believe any man stays faithful to a low drive wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps some cheaters have a personality disorder but not everyone. Sex is a biological imperative especially for men. I love my wife. She's beautiful, successful, smart, and a good person, but we are on nearly opposite ends in terms of libido. Was a I hurt/angry/frustrated for a couple of years? Yes. Did my resentment negatively affect my marriage? Yes. However, she is absolutely who I want to be with...I just needed a way to satisfy my physical needs and so do others.

Blah blah blah me me me!

Isn’t that belief system also shared by the low drive spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course all affairs aren’t discovered. What a silly notion.

OP here. It sounded like a ridiculous assertion to me too. About 40% of married people cheat at some point. Cheating isn't what ends most marriages. No married friends of mine have had their spouses cheat that they know of.

It seems like it's probably happening all over, without much fuss or drama.

The marriage not ending does not mean the spouse does not know about the cheating.

It’s sad that both parties resign themselves to living that way, mostly out of fear. A lot of people would be happier and more fulfilled if they had the option of renewing, renegotiating or just ending marriage contracts every other year the way we handle business contracts. Are you happy with the state of things? Yes/no? Let’s face it- a lot of people are held hostage by health insurance, school payments, maintaining a certain lifestyle... people will sacrifice their very dignity to keep these things.

+1. Amen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps some cheaters have a personality disorder but not everyone. Sex is a biological imperative especially for men. I love my wife. She's beautiful, successful, smart, and a good person, but we are on nearly opposite ends in terms of libido. Was a I hurt/angry/frustrated for a couple of years? Yes. Did my resentment negatively affect my marriage? Yes. However, she is absolutely who I want to be with...I just needed a way to satisfy my physical needs and so do others.

Blah blah blah me me me!

Actually he's being extremely generous towards his low drive wife by putting in the considerable effort for a married man to find a sex partner while preserving his wife's happy married world. Their current DADT system is working well for both of them. Please don't pretend that she "really" wants to know, or that she is foolish enough to believe any man stays faithful to a low drive wife.

Narcissist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I mean they do but with outside help usually.

I may be an unusually absent-minded wife but I had no idea my DH had a longterm mistress until she told me at the playground our children were siblings. Her child at that point was four years old.

Whoa. Are you still married to him?

Yep.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I mean they do but with outside help usually.

I may be an unusually absent-minded wife but I had no idea my DH had a longterm mistress until she told me at the playground our children were siblings. Her child at that point was four years old.

Whoa. Are you still married to him?

Yep.

Why?

We need the whole story!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps some cheaters have a personality disorder but not everyone. Sex is a biological imperative especially for men. I love my wife. She's beautiful, successful, smart, and a good person, but we are on nearly opposite ends in terms of libido. Was a I hurt/angry/frustrated for a couple of years? Yes. Did my resentment negatively affect my marriage? Yes. However, she is absolutely who I want to be with...I just needed a way to satisfy my physical needs and so do others.

Blah blah blah me me me!

Actually he's being extremely generous towards his low drive wife by putting in the considerable effort for a married man to find a sex partner while preserving his wife's happy married world. Their current DADT system is working well for both of them. Please don't pretend that she "really" wants to know, or that she is foolish enough to believe any man stays faithful to a low drive wife.

Narcissist

So it would benefit her if he trades her in for a new model? You don't offer any solutions, only criticism and name calling.