How comfortable do you feel around in-laws? Scale of 1-10

[Anonymous]

7.

A little background. This is my second marriage. I was previously in an interracial, interfaith marriage with a big gap in SES. I knew my in-laws regarded me as other and I just accepted it. I was never above a 5.

When I married my second husband, we’re the same race, faith, and SES. I downplayed the impact of regional culture on my relationship with my MIL.

It’s not a bad relationship, but she and I definitely have different ways of doing things like holidays or even what constitutes dressed up. Sometimes one or both of us is uncomfortable with that difference. But I think we’ve both learned to not read it as a criticism.

I think we’ll reach an 8 or 9

[Anonymous]

I’m about a 3.

[Anonymous]

MIL/FIL, about a 4. We're pleasant and can have a good time, but I know she'll turn on me like a wolf if it suits her, so I always have that in mind.

BILs are a 9/10. They're awesome and I genuinely look forward to spending time with them and their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Mil 7
Fil 1

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure comfortable is the right word for it? I mean, I go about my business while they visit, I ignore their helpful comments and suggestions, I put my comfy clothes on when I get home from work, sit under my blanket in the couch, drink my beer, etc. so it’s not that I’m uncomfortable around them....it’s that they’ve never taken an interest in me, my family, nothing. They yammer on and on and on for hours about inane stuff, they have antiquated ideas on what a woman should do (which I find super odd since my MIL was a successful attorney and always the family breadwinner), if I try to tell a story or offer something to the conversation they either interrupt with their own story or just don’t respond.

So it’s like having two really irritating strangers in my house who create a ton of extra work for me and criticize our house, our kids, our car, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure comfortable is the right word for it? I mean, I go about my business while they visit, I ignore their helpful comments and suggestions, I put my comfy clothes on when I get home from work, sit under my blanket in the couch, drink my beer, etc. so it’s not that I’m uncomfortable around them....it’s that they’ve never taken an interest in me, my family, nothing. They yammer on and on and on for hours about inane stuff, they have antiquated ideas on what a woman should do (which I find super odd since my MIL was a successful attorney and always the family breadwinner), if I try to tell a story or offer something to the conversation they either interrupt with their own story or just don’t respond.

So it’s like having two really irritating strangers in my house who create a ton of extra work for me and criticize our house, our kids, our car, etc.

My MIL does this too. So annoying. Then inevitably MIL or FIL will ask if I have a brother or sister, what their names are, and what they do. I've been married 12 years, and my only sister was my MOH in my wedding. You might think they would have learned this tidbit of info about me by now.

[Anonymous]

About a 2. I woukd say before we got married, it was about a 7. But since then they have gone out of thier way to make me uncomfortable. There is a long, long list, but the cake on mathers day that had my mil name (instead of happy Mother’s Day, it said happy Larla’s day) to ensure I knew it was not for me was something theee is no coming back from.

To give them a little credit. I am sure my exaustion at times comes across as non-friendly, as my husband puts on a good show of being helpful. They have no idea how useless he truly is, so I am sure in thier minds he works hard, does work around the house and I live a life of luxury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About a 2. I woukd say before we got married, it was about a 7. But since then they have gone out of thier way to make me uncomfortable. There is a long, long list, but the cake on mathers day that had my mil name (instead of happy Mother’s Day, it said happy Larla’s day) to ensure I knew it was not for me was something theee is no coming back from.

To give them a little credit. I am sure my exaustion at times comes across as non-friendly, as my husband puts on a good show of being helpful. They have no idea how useless he truly is, so I am sure in thier minds he works hard, does work around the house and I live a life of luxury.

You just made me feel less lonely or crazy. Your post could be mine, but I rate them in the negative. Similar to the Mother’s Day cake, my MIL made a family toast to “here’s to family, everyone here is family except (insert my name)”. DH and I had been married for 4 years and my 18 month old DD was at the table too. That sealed it for me. I am never really family to them that is clear. Worst part.... DH never says a thing. Ever. And he makes a grand show of coming of being helpful and “shows up” when they visit for multiple days (stay a week or two) throughout the year. The rest of the time he works 12 to 15 hour days. We’ve been married 15 years. I’m disappointed it only have myself to blame. I’m working on being less negative but at the same time trying to find my voice.

[Anonymous]

app here... I meant working in seeing things more positively rather than focusing on the negatives.

[Anonymous]

9. My FIL is the sweetest thing ever and he always cries when he leaves telling me he's so thankful I'm in their life, what a great wife and mom I am, etc. My MIL is also very sweet, kind, generous and has great boundaries. We spend a couple of weeks each year with them and several weekends and I always look forward to it. In fact, they will even come help with the kids when DH is out of town. They are fantastic.

[Anonymous]

9. It is not a deeply connected relationship. I don’t feel like they truly get me, but they are happy, caring, fun people. They have showed me the true meaning of unconditional love. We have fun when we visit. We laugh a lot. And I see what love without manipulation looks like. My own family is a hot mess.

[Anonymous]

Complete strangers is better than actively antagonistic people you have to see regularly, note. My MIL was that for a good while. Things have changed.

My ILs and I have gone from about a 2-3 to an 8. If DH hadn't learned how to manage his parents, I think we might have made it to a 5-6, but once he was finally pretty blunt and clear with his parents, and learned to make plans sooner rather than later with them, it helped a whole lot.

[Anonymous]

About a 2. Married for 14 years. They are racist, bigoted, homophobic hypocrites and I'm constantly on edge waiting for them to drop their next racist comment. I'm not white so it makes it even worse. I think MIL feels threatened by me as I took away her baby, but the reality is that her baby chose to move a 2 day drive from her and that's where I met him. It's not like I came to her hometown and kidnapped him from her house, but I think she feels like I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About a 2. I woukd say before we got married, it was about a 7. But since then they have gone out of thier way to make me uncomfortable. There is a long, long list, but the cake on mathers day that had my mil name (instead of happy Mother’s Day, it said happy Larla’s day) to ensure I knew it was not for me was something theee is no coming back from.

To give them a little credit. I am sure my exaustion at times comes across as non-friendly, as my husband puts on a good show of being helpful. They have no idea how useless he truly is, so I am sure in thier minds he works hard, does work around the house and I live a life of luxury.

You just made me feel less lonely or crazy. Your post could be mine, but I rate them in the negative. Similar to the Mother’s Day cake, my MIL made a family toast to “here’s to family, everyone here is family except (insert my name)”. DH and I had been married for 4 years and my 18 month old DD was at the table too. That sealed it for me. I am never really family to them that is clear. Worst part.... DH never says a thing. Ever. And he makes a grand show of coming of being helpful and “shows up” when they visit for multiple days (stay a week or two) throughout the year. The rest of the time he works 12 to 15 hour days. We’ve been married 15 years. I’m disappointed it only have myself to blame. I’m working on being less negative but at the same time trying to find my voice.

Oh. My. F*cking. Hell.

I'm so sorry. That's just really hurtful. I also complain about my inlaws not really *caring* about me and my family and my background. But man they've never done anything this insanely rude. It's more of an apathy. Like if I mention "oh I have a cousin who lives In Place You are Discussing" they just say "oh" and go back to talking. It's made me stop trying in a number of ways because they just don't GAF.

[Anonymous]

It varies according to the in laws. My husband's parents are dead. I love his two sisters in small doses but can't spend time in their homes, which are really, really filthy, so I invite them to mine. I can't stand his brother or brother's children, all Bible-thumping, gun-toting bigots who believe their glory time is near and I will burn in hell.