What point do you stop putting up with crazy teen behavior

[Anonymous]

You call your wife “his mom” so I assume you are a stepfather. What does his mother think about his behavior and what does she think is appropriate punishment? If you are not on the same page, you will look like the gestapo and will never be able to work with him.

Generally, I think stepparents need to stand back on the discipline and let the borth parent take the lead. Especially with teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You call your wife “his mom” so I assume you are a stepfather. What does his mother think about his behavior and what does she think is appropriate punishment? If you are not on the same page, you will look like the gestapo and will never be able to work with him.

Generally, I think stepparents need to stand back on the discipline and let the borth parent take the lead. Especially with teens.

This is why you don't want to marry a woman who already has kids. Her obnoxious kid will yell at you and then everyone, including his mother, will say you should "step back" and you have no right to discipline him. Eff that noise.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - I saw your previous post, this sounds like a really difficult time, please ignore some of the very negative posters. I really recommend, as others have said, that you and your wife see a therapist experienced with teens together. If he will not go to therapy right now, the best best thing you can do for your family is get support for you and your wife. A therapist can help you think through how to respond, how to remain consistent and how to be a united front. Once you have a good support system for yourself in place, a consistent plan for responding, and a therapist who can help you understand what is going on below the surface of the cursing you may get to a place where your son is willing to participate. But start yourself first. Remember below the yelling there are a lot of emotions going on for your teen, you need to figure out what is going on with him and within your family dynamic. Teens can be very tough, it sounds difficult but I think you’re taking first steps. Also consider talking to your teen about what’s going on outside of the time the behavior is occurring- witha goal of better understanding your son, not punishing or telling him what he did wrong.. The therapist could help with having these convos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember below the yelling there are a lot of emotions going on for your teen, you need to figure out what is going on with him and within your family dynamic.

What is going on with him: he does not respect his parents.
What is wrong with the family dynamic: his parents are pathetic weaklings and have never insisted on respect.

Anonymous wrote:Also consider talking to your teen about what’s going on outside of the time the behavior is occurring- witha goal of better understanding your son, not punishing or telling him what he did wrong.

You don't need to tell him that yelling at his parents and cussing them out is wrong. He knows that. He doesn't care. His parents are so worthless and weak that they have never made him care, and probably never will make him care. If they don't make him care, through a set of positive and negative incentives, then the behavior will continue.

It is very simple. No touchy-feely bullshit. No need to pay therapists $150/hour. They can either grow a spine, or get used to Junior yelling and cussing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I saw your previous post, this sounds like a really difficult time, please ignore some of the very negative posters. I really recommend, as others have said, that you and your wife see a therapist experienced with teens together. If he will not go to therapy right now, the best best thing you can do for your family is get support for you and your wife. A therapist can help you think through how to respond, how to remain consistent and how to be a united front. Once you have a good support system for yourself in place, a consistent plan for responding, and a therapist who can help you understand what is going on below the surface of the cursing you may get to a place where your son is willing to participate. But start yourself first. Remember below the yelling there are a lot of emotions going on for your teen, you need to figure out what is going on with him and within your family dynamic. Teens can be very tough, it sounds difficult but I think you’re taking first steps. Also consider talking to your teen about what’s going on outside of the time the behavior is occurring- witha goal of better understanding your son, not punishing or telling him what he did wrong.. The therapist could help with having these convos.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I don't know who are these other person(s) posting hurtful comments or what is making them do it, I am trying not to get dragged into that level. I am yet to come to terms with understanding him swearing at me, and still think it is stress and anxiety. This is a kid we brought up by reading books to him at night, took to places and explained history and stories of great people, traveled to EC competitions at regional, state, and national level, played sports with him, went to movies, vactions, took a paycut to work closer to home, sacrified our careers, our discretionary income, on and on.. we keep wondering what we have done wrong, but couldn't find anything other than perhaps not stepping back a year earlier and giving some tools / outside help to navigate HS years. Better late than never, so we are doing it now, also this experience will help with the younger kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just too adversarial and angry.

I'm sure the kid is a selfish PITA, but it sounds like you are forgetting who the grown up is here.

Tone it down, reflect on your goals, and pick some kinder strategies. Get a professional involved if necessary. You have lost your grip.

You're a moron. It is the teen who is adversarial and angry. You can on!y stop that by giving him everything he wants, which is not good parenting.

Thanks so much for the kind words. I said adversarial and angry based on the OP's post, which reads like someone who is very adversarial and angry. You can be a good parent without oozing anger from every pore. You can even take away a ton of the things the kid wants. You just can't be as angry as this man sounds.

If the kid only behaves this way at home, then it is about the family dynamic and guess what! OP contributes to that. Tig Nataro's stepdad said it well. It is not the job of the kid to explain himself to the parent, but the parent's job to understand the kid.