What point do you stop putting up with crazy teen behavior

[Anonymous]

I posted the other day about teen with behavior issues at home. We had a chat and things were good for a few days, until this morning. Today, he started off by asking his mother for some chain he wants to wear, and shouting at her to buy it immediately. We told him he can't have it, as we do not approve of the kind of chain he wish to wear and wouldn't buyt it. He started off by mouthing off profanities and I said calmly if he continue this I would turn off his phone service, to which he said he won't care. I went about calmly and called the phone company to turn off service temporarily. Then he went off protest mode and sat quietly. By evening he had to go somewhere and his mother is driving him, he came and asked me for phone service back as he needs to listen to music. I said not until he can improve his behavior, let me see for 24 hours. He started off going full profanity on me with all kinds of words, and said I was a really bad parent, being so unreasonable, stopped off the house, threw a fit, came back in and said few more things before his mother drove him away.

I am now very much thinking he has some serious issues that cannot be put up with anymore. He thinks he is entitled to everything and when he is denied of it, he starts calling profanity, even when I have told him that's what he needs to stop doing for me to not deny these things.

At this point, I am wondering who can I get involved for outside help. It is clear he needs therapy, but he won't consent to it by himself. Should we call his pediatrics office, may be they have resources. But again I am sure he will refuse to come for any appointments. What other resources are available for clearly troubled teens like this.

[Anonymous]

How old?
Any history of mental illness, in the family, or him personally?
Any academic problems? How did the P/T conference go?
Does he have friends? Ones that you like?

Clearly this behavior is unacceptable and you responded appropriately. It's also not uncommon. I'm just wondering what led up to this point.

[Anonymous]

16 year old. Has anxiety issues, and possibly low self esteem from being lower end of high performing peer group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16 year old. Has anxiety issues, and possibly low self esteem from being lower end of high performing peer group.

If he has self esteem issues and anxiety, why haven't you gotten help before. If he's at the lower end academically, why not get him tutoring? There has to be much more to this story.

[Anonymous]

He didn't get what he wanted and he threw a temper tantrum. This isn't mental illness. It's immaturity.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like YOU and his mom are the ones who need therapy. It sounds like you spoiled the hell out of him and all of a sudden you're trying not to, so of course he's freaking out. YOU are the ones who need to change.

[Anonymous]

Why was mom still giving him a ride??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He didn't get what he wanted and he threw a temper tantrum. This isn't mental illness. It's immaturity.

I don't want to put up with his profanity filled tempur tantrum. I tried making him understand by taking what he values most, his phone service. I am ready to give it back when he shows good behavior and feel sorry, probably for a day wait and see. But instead he followed with more profanity.

I am overreaching if I call outside help to take him and put up in protective observation, that is if he continues to call out foul language. Perhaps one of the behavior therapy camps after that, or military boarding schools. This is really serious stuff, that goes on every other day. He called his mom b*tch for not giving his chain and alll kind of profanity on me for not giving phone service back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was mom still giving him a ride??

Tutoring for helping improve grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like YOU and his mom are the ones who need therapy. It sounds like you spoiled the hell out of him and all of a sudden you're trying not to, so of course he's freaking out. YOU are the ones who need to change.

We probably did. How can we change while not putting up with this at same time?

[Anonymous]

Who exactly are you planning to call to fix a parenting problem? Your son is not mentally ill. He is mad at you and you don’t like it, but that isn’t enough to have him committed. You need to ignore his tantrum. You took something from him to punish him and he should not get that thing back until he earns it back. If he keeps breaking the rules, take something else. Stick to it. He will learn eventually.

[Anonymous]

It’s called being consistent. Basically you need to have more willpower than he does, even if it kills you.
Also explore whether he was bullied or abused at any point.

An evaluation by a psychologist would be great (include ADHD in your request, because anger and swearing are examples of poor impulse control, which is a hallmark of ADHD; also it’s sometimes the root cause of anxiety).

[Anonymous]

Does he value anything other than his phone?

For my teenager, I could tell her that if she goes to therapy, I will be her taxi service. If she doesn't go to therapy, she loses parents as taxi service for that week.
Some parents use the phone. If you don't go to therapy, you don't get your phone.
Some use positive reinforcements, such as getting to leave school during a class the child doesn't much enjoy, or after therapy going to starbucks, etc.

It also sounds like you expect things to work immediately. It doesn't work like that. You have to show your kid you're holding to your boundaries and they're meaningful. It sounds like your kid doesn't believe you. It's not a bad idea for you to look for a therapist and make an appointment to discuss potential therapy refusal, etc. But also hold fast to what you're doing and see if your kid doesn't come on board.

Also, try to find things he's doing right. Praise him for the smallest of things. If he picks his socks up off the floor, thank him, even if he should be doing it anyway. Let him know you're seeing where he is trying, and he might do the same for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He didn't get what he wanted and he threw a temper tantrum. This isn't mental illness. It's immaturity.

I don't want to put up with his profanity filled tempur tantrum. I tried making him understand by taking what he values most, his phone service. I am ready to give it back when he shows good behavior and feel sorry, probably for a day wait and see. But instead he followed with more profanity.

I am overreaching if I call outside help to take him and put up in protective observation, that is if he continues to call out foul language. Perhaps one of the behavior therapy camps after that, or military boarding schools. This is really serious stuff, that goes on every other day. He called his mom b*tch for not giving his chain and alll kind of profanity on me for not giving phone service back.

Has he always been like this or is it new? If its been like this it took years to get into this pattern so it will take a long time to get out of it.

You drive him for school and tutoring but not friends. I would do more than cut the phone service for day. At least a week, if not two. If he wants to get it back, behave or pay for it himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he value anything other than his phone?

For my teenager, I could tell her that if she goes to therapy, I will be her taxi service. If she doesn't go to therapy, she loses parents as taxi service for that week.
Some parents use the phone. If you don't go to therapy, you don't get your phone.
Some use positive reinforcements, such as getting to leave school during a class the child doesn't much enjoy, or after therapy going to starbucks, etc.

It also sounds like you expect things to work immediately. It doesn't work like that. You have to show your kid you're holding to your boundaries and they're meaningful. It sounds like your kid doesn't believe you. It's not a bad idea for you to look for a therapist and make an appointment to discuss potential therapy refusal, etc. But also hold fast to what you're doing and see if your kid doesn't come on board.

Also, try to find things he's doing right. Praise him for the smallest of things. If he picks his socks up off the floor, thank him, even if he should be doing it anyway. Let him know you're seeing where he is trying, and he might do the same for you.

+1000 this. Only thing I would add is you all need family therapy to help get to a new family dynamic. This isn't just your child who needs fixing, it is how you are all interacting that needs to change.