Family shrinkage

[Anonymous]

My sympathies, OP. both of my parents had large families and I also miss the big get togethers. My sibling is single and my husband's family lives far away with no children close to our kids' age, so we don't have the natural big bands of family get togethers. I know when my parents, who are both in poor health, pass on, things will seem pretty quiet on some holidays.

One thing that has worked for me has been rekindling or forming bonds with cousins and second cousins. Some of them I was close to when young, some I never met until my 20s, 30s, or even 40s.I make it a point to stay in touch with them and travel to visit them; I probably see extended family 4-5 times a year. Am I the one doing most of the reaching out? Yes. But it fills a need for me, and I know when my parents are gone I will value having others who can share memories with me and my children, o

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the holidays with racist BIL

Go visit your kids. Believe me, kids want their parents to visit, instead of constantly flying to see the parents.

Agreed! But that might just be most kids, not OP's kids.

She does, and we do. Again, it is still not the same. It is the life context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the holidays with racist BIL

Go visit your kids. Believe me, kids want their parents to visit, instead of constantly flying to see the parents.

Agreed! But that might just be most kids, not OP's kids.

She does, and we do. Again, it is still not the same. It is the life context.

What is life context?

[Anonymous]

OP, let me mention one thing that might help get you looking in a different direction for what you want.

We've got the family, the kids, the dog, etc. We don't have a grandma/pa presence due to distance and illness, and don't have an aunt/uncle presence due to distance.

We have a next door neighbor, 65 y.o., Larla, who is a bristly woman with no husband and no kids, and I was musing the other day that if she had been a different type of personality, she would be "Aunt Larla" and would be over to our house for the holidays. But as it stands, we all are slightly on eggshells around her.

I am NOT comparing Larla to you, OP. Just the opposite. There are families like mine who would LOVE to adopt an extended family. Go find them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are long gone, my siblings, while never close, have moved away. My children live far away, and there will be no grandchildren. Large, vibrant holidays and celebrations have been replaced by dinners with my husband's brother who begins every meal with a racist or homophobic comment. He hates everyone. No kids, no nieces or nephews, no family. My friends have large extended groups- children and grandchildren galore. How do my husband and I start over with a new paradigm? This was not what we thought it would be, but we are willing to except something new.

Why won't there be grandchildren ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are long gone, my siblings, while never close, have moved away. My children live far away, and there will be no grandchildren. Large, vibrant holidays and celebrations have been replaced by dinners with my husband's brother who begins every meal with a racist or homophobic comment. He hates everyone. No kids, no nieces or nephews, no family. My friends have large extended groups- children and grandchildren galore. How do my husband and I start over with a new paradigm? This was not what we thought it would be, but we are willing to except something new.

Why won't there be grandchildren ?

One has health issues and chose career, the other cannot....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me mention one thing that might help get you looking in a different direction for what you want.

We've got the family, the kids, the dog, etc. We don't have a grandma/pa presence due to distance and illness, and don't have an aunt/uncle presence due to distance.

We have a next door neighbor, 65 y.o., Larla, who is a bristly woman with no husband and no kids, and I was musing the other day that if she had been a different type of personality, she would be "Aunt Larla" and would be over to our house for the holidays. But as it stands, we all are slightly on eggshells around her.

I am NOT comparing Larla to you, OP. Just the opposite. There are families like mine who would LOVE to adopt an extended family. Go find them!

Haven't found them yet. Tons of young families...all who have their own parents and large families. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me mention one thing that might help get you looking in a different direction for what you want.

We've got the family, the kids, the dog, etc. We don't have a grandma/pa presence due to distance and illness, and don't have an aunt/uncle presence due to distance.

We have a next door neighbor, 65 y.o., Larla, who is a bristly woman with no husband and no kids, and I was musing the other day that if she had been a different type of personality, she would be "Aunt Larla" and would be over to our house for the holidays. But as it stands, we all are slightly on eggshells around her.

I am NOT comparing Larla to you, OP. Just the opposite. There are families like mine who would LOVE to adopt an extended family. Go find them!

Haven't found them yet. Tons of young families...all who have their own parents and large families. It is what it is.

Someone on my neighborhood listserv posted earlier this year looking for stand-in grandparents given how far they were from their own parents (I believe they moved here from abroad), and multiple other young parents chimed in looking for the same. Multiple people responded, interested in taking on the role, and someone else connected the young families with the neighborhood's aging in place village to see if there were any other takers. If you're interested in trying out this kind of relationship, I think there are opportunities out there if you put yourself out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me mention one thing that might help get you looking in a different direction for what you want.

We've got the family, the kids, the dog, etc. We don't have a grandma/pa presence due to distance and illness, and don't have an aunt/uncle presence due to distance.

We have a next door neighbor, 65 y.o., Larla, who is a bristly woman with no husband and no kids, and I was musing the other day that if she had been a different type of personality, she would be "Aunt Larla" and would be over to our house for the holidays. But as it stands, we all are slightly on eggshells around her.

I am NOT comparing Larla to you, OP. Just the opposite. There are families like mine who would LOVE to adopt an extended family. Go find them!

Haven't found them yet. Tons of young families...all who have their own parents and large families. It is what it is.

Someone on my neighborhood listserv posted earlier this year looking for stand-in grandparents given how far they were from their own parents (I believe they moved here from abroad), and multiple other young parents chimed in looking for the same. Multiple people responded, interested in taking on the role, and someone else connected the young families with the neighborhood's aging in place village to see if there were any other takers. If you're interested in trying out this kind of relationship, I think there are opportunities out there if you put yourself out there.

This is a great idea. But please be self-aware enough to not insert yourself into this role if the younger family isn't looking for it. DH's parents took it upon themselves several times to step in as adopted grandparents and it always ended with awkwardness for eveyone involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you travel to see one of your kids? Maybe offer to pay for a nice resturant for dinner so nobody feels pressure to cook? Stay in a hotel and explore the nearby surroundings. Alternate by visiting a different kid every year and then start again. Is there a particular reason you cannot spend the holiday with one of your children if you travel to that location?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t claim to know the shrinkage part, but I understand the sadness that comes with small holidays. My family is just 3. Me, husband and daughter. Husband and I both come from small quiet families. No relatives live anywhere near us now. We dreamed together that we would have a house filled with kids and never a lonely day, but life didn’t bring us that despite many many years of trying. I’m a bit down already thinking of the quiet Thanksgiving that we will have. I see big families and their festive gatherings and I’m so envious.

Can we adopt you guys? Lol

It would be a dream come true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you travel to see one of your kids? Maybe offer to pay for a nice resturant for dinner so nobody feels pressure to cook? Stay in a hotel and explore the nearby surroundings. Alternate by visiting a different kid every year and then start again. Is there a particular reason you cannot spend the holiday with one of your children if you travel to that location?

Christ on a cracker. Of course I can do that. And we do! Again, this is NOT about the holidays. At all. Not even a little bit. It's about every day, the context, the family that isn't -in general.

I guess reading through the thread is too much, I get that, but, I am pretty sure I was clear. And all the innuendo from several- why don't my kids have kids, why did one move away, all implying something of our own doing.
Come on....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you travel to see one of your kids? Maybe offer to pay for a nice resturant for dinner so nobody feels pressure to cook? Stay in a hotel and explore the nearby surroundings. Alternate by visiting a different kid every year and then start again. Is there a particular reason you cannot spend the holiday with one of your children if you travel to that location?

Christ on a cracker. Of course I can do that. And we do! Again, this is NOT about the holidays. At all. Not even a little bit. It's about every day, the context, the family that isn't -in general.

I guess reading through the thread is too much, I get that, but, I am pretty sure I was clear. And all the innuendo from several- why don't my kids have kids, why did one move away, all implying something of our own doing.
Come on....

I get you ..... sadly, I do.