Family shrinkage

[Anonymous]

Could you sign up to host kids who have aged out of the foster care system but don't have family? Do you live near a college? If so you could reach out to them and ask if any college kids can't go home for the holiday for whatever reason - if they'd like to come to you they could.

I'd dump the racist brother. Not worth family when that's the family you've got, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the child's perspective, that's why we don't like going home for the holidays. They're small and boring. DH and I have fixed this somewhat by having huge, over the top celebrations with our kids and friends. We call it an orphan Thanksgiving.

We also have 3 kids and are debating having another. I'm an only child and DH only has one sister. No nieces or nephews and holidays are so lonely without all the cousins I grew up with. I'm hoping our kids will choose to have kids too. I wish we'd had siblings.

Gosh I hope your kids show you as much love & respect as you're showing your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the child's perspective, that's why we don't like going home for the holidays. They're small and boring. DH and I have fixed this somewhat by having huge, over the top celebrations with our kids and friends. We call it an orphan Thanksgiving.

We also have 3 kids and are debating having another. I'm an only child and DH only has one sister. No nieces or nephews and holidays are so lonely without all the cousins I grew up with. I'm hoping our kids will choose to have kids too. I wish we'd had siblings.

Gosh I hope your kids show you as much love & respect as you're showing your parents.

Our parents are more than welcome to join us in our joyous celebrations. They'd prefer to host. I almost feel like our parent wrote this thread because it's just them and a racist brother for dinner...

[Anonymous]

I understand, OP. It’s lonely for us with just us two and our daughter with severe autism. Our son is away this year and we cannot travel to see him. I’ll make a small turkey with all the trimmings and we’ll be set for the weekend. DH likes to watch football so he doesn’t mind being home. I miss my siblings and mother but they are too far to visit for just a weekend.

[Anonymous]

There were always just 3 people for the holidays growing up - my parents and myself. We lived far from relatives and my parents were not social.

I'm sorry this feels lonely and sad for you, OP.
You can:

1.Visit your children (who might adopt kids in the future if they can't have any biological ones!).
2. Take a vacation during the holidays.
3. Invite or visit friends.
4. Volunteer for various organizations at Thanksgiving and Christmas - it will make you feel really good.

[Anonymous]

OP this didn't happen overnight. Why don't your kids or siblings want to spend the holidays with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this didn't happen overnight. Why don't your kids or siblings want to spend the holidays with you?

There’s always one of these pps on a thread.

[Anonymous]

Maybe focus on cultivating more adult friends in your stage of life? There are always people who are celebrating small or maybe wouldn't celebrate otherwise, who would enjoy a larger gathering of adults. If you want to be the center of where things happen (and I get that, I like that too) consider a small gathering this year for empty nesters and gradually expand it each year until people just know your place is the place for camaraderie and festivity.

Or travel if you have the means and enjoy traveling.

I'm an only with an only...if I end up here, I hope I will do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this didn't happen overnight. Why don't your kids or siblings want to spend the holidays with you?

Lol. I was waiting for this because there is always an idiot who reads way more into it.

Ok, I have 2 siblings. One has been a drug addict with mental illness for 40 years. No one knows where he is. So, yeah, that didn't happen overnight. The other lives in another state. She, BTW, socializes with no one , and never has. She will come to a wedding or something. She didn't move away because of me. My kids? Yes, one lives in California and comes in once a year and we fly out there. My other does spend time here, but also with in laws. They didn't make their life style choices as a reflection of me or my husband.

Come on. You just did not read carefully.

[Anonymous]

Also, this isn't just about the holidays. It's life with family generally. I loved having a family. Now there is no family, really. That's all.

And, no there will never be grandchildren. Foster kids? We are considered to be too aged out for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this didn't happen overnight. Why don't your kids or siblings want to spend the holidays with you?

Lol. I was waiting for this because there is always an idiot who reads way more into it.

Ok, I have 2 siblings. One has been a drug addict with mental illness for 40 years. No one knows where he is. So, yeah, that didn't happen overnight. The other lives in another state. She, BTW, socializes with no one , and never has. She will come to a wedding or something. She didn't move away because of me. My kids? Yes, one lives in California and comes in once a year and we fly out there. My other does spend time here, but also with in laws. They didn't make their life style choices as a reflection of me or my husband.

Come on. You just did not read carefully.

Have your children told you that they wont be having children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe focus on cultivating more adult friends in your stage of life? There are always people who are celebrating small or maybe wouldn't celebrate otherwise, who would enjoy a larger gathering of adults. If you want to be the center of where things happen (and I get that, I like that too) consider a small gathering this year for empty nesters and gradually expand it each year until people just know your place is the place for camaraderie and festivity.

Or travel if you have the means and enjoy traveling.

I'm an only with an only...if I end up here, I hope I will do the same.

Yes, I don't know anyone like this so far. All if my friends have families and grandchildren. But, yes, we do look for others. And we will travel, but what we love is time with family.

I should say that our dogs have always been our kids, but you can imagine ...now for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are you looking for here? Youve discounted embracing friends and people you meet through volunteering as family...what’s left? Maybe instead of volunteering in a critical need area you can volunteer with children and become close that way. My kids don’t have any grandparents and we’d love to “adopt” a grandma. Or volunteer in a nursing home, probably a lot of lonely people there, too, who could use help.

I haven't discounted anything! I, btw, have worked with special needs children for 35 years. I now work with all ages, and still teach. I think you don't understand. I can find people, I can find things to do, or places to go. I miss having a family, that's all. When I was in my 30s and 40s, family was everything. Children, mine and others, my nieces and nephews, were everywhere. There were beach days with kids with sandy bathing suits, surprise waves, and my Mom putting sunblock on everyone, we shared picnics, birthdays with crowds singing Happy Birthday , parties for my parents' anniversaries, celebrations for everything, daily or weekly phone conversations, etc. My parents came over a lot, and they loved being with their grandchildren. When they got older, after vibrant and full lives, they declined suddenly one after another with devastating illnesses- dementia and heart failure. It was an 8 year tsunami of increasing loss, desperation, and, finally, death in two hospice rooms. I was with them all the way. They were never alone. When I emerged, I realized that everything had changed. My husband and I will not have what my parents had. It is no one's fault, just the way life is.
Sure, we can hang out with my friends and their families. I have plenty of friends- but it is their family. I have a lovely husband, so I am not complaining about how lucky I've been. However, the music has stopped and it is deafening. I thought there would be part 2, however irrational that is.



Thanks all, just the same.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. My husband and I have siblings, but they are far away. We are the ones who moved here and we only had one child. Our only has moved on and has a significant other with "in laws". Yes, we can go to visit him and others, but we are also still working full time so it's not so easy. Maybe when we retire we will be able to spend more time with family. For now it is with friends. I grew up with 6 siblings and lots of busy times at our home and in the community. My life is much quieter now. I try to find joy in nature, good books and films, and what this area has to offer. I don't think you can ever completely fill that hole since family is such a primal part of our being. I am fortunate to have a loving husband . . . I don't know where I'd be without him. I try to find as many silver linings as I can. You are very much valued by so many around you. Remember that and try to find joy in others around you even if they are not family members.

I am really worried about retiring because I have built some family like relationships through my work. Maybe that was a mistake.

[Anonymous]

I also think we have too many expectations for the holidays. I have learned to enjoy days as they come and any day can be a "holiday" . . . you sometimes have to visit family when it is convenient and make that your "holiday".