S/O Are men born less emotional or are they conditioned to act that way?

[Anonymous]

Judging from DCUM, men only post if their wives are withholding sex or they're wanting to know about attracting women. The women are the only ones who will write about how no-one is helping them, how someone slighted them, how they may have slighted someone, how their kid is acting up etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was an interesting exchange in another thread, talking about the differences between men and women's emotional make up. The conversation was in relation to mental health. One poster mentioned that boys are often *more* emotional until adolescence when they "turn to stone."

I've had something like this conversation with my wife about our son. He has always been a very sweet, sensitive, empathetic boy. I tell my wife that I was exactly the same when I was his age, and she asks, "what the hell happened?!" Because I give the impression of not having a wide emotional range myself and not being sensitive to the emotional states of others. Truth is, I'm still very perceptive about others' emotions, but -- having locked down expression of my own emotions -- I'm not all that sympathetic to the emotions of others. (I'm maybe empathetic but not sympathetic.) Locking down my own emotions was made necessary by getting endless amounts of shit about being a crybaby or timid or shy when I was young. That was the stick. The carrot was probably my perception that the tough guys were popular and well regarded.

Now I'm hopeful that my son will have a wider emotional range than I feel comfortable letting on to. I've certainly tried to be conscientious about giving him space to feel concerned or scared or anxious or any other way he happened to feel, because I'm still a little pissed (anger was always permissible) at my parents for trying to toughen me up. I mean, I'm plenty tough emotionally -- I ended up becoming a litigator, I think in part as overcompensation for being ashamed of being conflict averse as a kid. I went ahead and made conflict my livelihood.

Anyway, I was curious if anyone else has had similar experiences, either personally or raising kids. And, do you think it's healthy to repress emotions because it makes you tougher; or do you end up leading a less happy life because of it? (That kind of wandered away from the question I put in my title, but I'll leave it that way.)

Ha ha I wish men were less emotional. My DH has tantrums like a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Ghhbbbb

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work with children ages 1-4. The boys are as emotional as the girls, sometimes I feel more so.

Was just coming on here to say this. I teach Kindergarten and my little boys cry at the drop of a hat... because they can't get their sweater off, because another boy took their Lego, because their nose is running. The girls are more likely to be collaborative and ask for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Judging from DCUM, men only post if their wives are withholding sex or they're wanting to know about attracting women. The women are the only ones who will write about how no-one is helping them, how someone slighted them, how they may have slighted someone, how their kid is acting up etc.

I think this supports the general pattern of men limiting emotional expression to what is socially acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cultural conditioning plays a factor but it's more than that. A lot more than that.

I'm reminded of the time I happened to be at a mall where there was some sort of gaming event going on and some famous "gamer" was going to be there. The crowd was 90+ male. Teen to young 20s men. Very few women. And I'm sure at least half the women there were girlfriends rather than on their own. Let's not pretend this is due entirely to cultural conditioning, especially in this day and age.

My personal observation is that men do develop less patience and tolerance for emotions as they age. The cultural conditioning reinforces it but it still happens one way or another. They are much quicker to move on, they stand up to pain more easily. They tend to experience emotions in intense bursts and then quickly get over and move on. They don't see the point of dwelling on it, something happened and can't be undone and let's just move on. For similar reasons I find men more laid back and tolerant for a lot more things than women. They have a greater let and live attitude.

I don't understand what a gamer event has to do with range of emotions. I agree that men and women are different (if that is what you are attempting to demonstrate). Sure. But men have just as many feelings and emotions as women. Most express them differently. Which is OK.

[Anonymous]

Why is this presented as a male problem? Why is the question not why women don’t learn to control and channel their emotions more appropriately?

Men learn to control their emotions when they realize that emotional outbursts can result in physical harm (to themselves or others), generally in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this presented as a male problem? Why is the question not why women don’t learn to control and channel their emotions more appropriately?

Men learn to control their emotions when they realize that emotional outbursts can result in physical harm (to themselves or others), generally in middle school.

Is this a joke? Almost all of the violence in this country is by males. Sexual assault also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this presented as a male problem? Why is the question not why women don’t learn to control and channel their emotions more appropriately?

Men learn to control their emotions when they realize that emotional outbursts can result in physical harm (to themselves or others), generally in middle school.

What makes you think that women also don't learn to control and channel their emotions? When was the last time you heard of an assault perpetrated by a woman (OK, fine, last week in Maryland. Before that)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're interested in this subject, there is a good book called the Emotional Life of Boys. It explores the different ways male emotion presents itself.

This.
Boys experience as many emotions as girls but after a certain age they are conditioned to repress everything but anger. All other emotions are treated as weakness. Have you seen little boys crying at soccer games etc and being told to “buck up?” That’s where it comes from. Their Jon anger emotions are not acknowledged as valid so they channel everything into anger and sometimes with devastating end results.

+1
Emotion gets channeled into anger or depression.
Just my opinion, but I think rabid fandom in sports offers a release for some of these emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cultural conditioning plays a factor but it's more than that. A lot more than that.

I'm reminded of the time I happened to be at a mall where there was some sort of gaming event going on and some famous "gamer" was going to be there. The crowd was 90+ male. Teen to young 20s men. Very few women. And I'm sure at least half the women there were girlfriends rather than on their own. Let's not pretend this is due entirely to cultural conditioning, especially in this day and age.

My personal observation is that men do develop less patience and tolerance for emotions as they age. The cultural conditioning reinforces it but it still happens one way or another. They are much quicker to move on, they stand up to pain more easily. They tend to experience emotions in intense bursts and then quickly get over and move on. They don't see the point of dwelling on it, something happened and can't be undone and let's just move on. For similar reasons I find men more laid back and tolerant for a lot more things than women. They have a greater let and live attitude.

I don't understand what a gamer event has to do with range of emotions. I agree that men and women are different (if that is what you are attempting to demonstrate). Sure. But men have just as many feelings and emotions as women. Most express them differently. Which is OK.

Probably just to illustrate that men and women are wired differently. And this includes how we express or restrain emotions.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 33 year old guy - met a ridiculously amazing woman my age. Gorgeous, whip smart, cultured, comes from a high class and wealthy family.

10 years ago I would've been head over heels.

I really care for her - she wants me to meet the fam and everything - but I can't say I'm into her as much as she's into me.

And I realize now if I can't love her - I probably won't love any woman.

It isn't a case of her not being the one - I can easily see myself being very happy with her, having kids, having a life but I just don't feel unconditional love like I did in my 20s.

If I had a choice between landing my dream job and this woman, I'm picking dream job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this presented as a male problem? Why is the question not why women don’t learn to control and channel their emotions more appropriately?

Men learn to control their emotions when they realize that emotional outbursts can result in physical harm (to themselves or others), generally in middle school.

Is this a joke? Almost all of the violence in this country is by males. Sexual assault also.

How about all the female teachers with their students?
What about the emotional violence inflicted on divorced children by mothers that commit parental alimentation.
Women are adept at violence and assault. Their occurrence is under reported.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this presented as a male problem? Why is the question not why women don’t learn to control and channel their emotions more appropriately?

Men learn to control their emotions when they realize that emotional outbursts can result in physical harm (to themselves or others), generally in middle school.

Is this a joke? Almost all of the violence in this country is by males. Sexual assault also.

How about all the female teachers with their students?
What about the emotional violence inflicted on divorced children by mothers that commit parental alimentation.
Women are adept at violence and assault. Their occurrence is under reported.

But what's your point poster? THese are all expressions of emotions. No one seems to doubt that women have them, only men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this presented as a male problem? Why is the question not why women don’t learn to control and channel their emotions more appropriately?

Men learn to control their emotions when they realize that emotional outbursts can result in physical harm (to themselves or others), generally in middle school.

What makes you think that women also don't learn to control and channel their emotions? When was the last time you heard of an assault perpetrated by a woman (OK, fine, last week in Maryland. Before that)

As others have mentioned, I think both men and women have the same "base" emotions, but hormones act as a reagent and affect how they manifest. This obviously becomes more of an issue at puberty, when hormones start kicking in.

Men are more prone to abusing people with physical intimidation and violence. Women are more likely to abuse people by unfairly framing various situations in a way that to presents themselves as the victim and using this to reduce the social standing of their target. If a woman tries to use a physical intimidation, she is deemed "trashy." If a man tries to engage in mean girl court intrigue, he is viewed as a passive-aggressive wimp. Women are punished if they seem too blunt or aggressive. Men are punished for being too passive and manipulative.