S/O Are men born less emotional or are they conditioned to act that way?

[Anonymous]

There was an interesting exchange in another thread, talking about the differences between men and women's emotional make up. The conversation was in relation to mental health. One poster mentioned that boys are often *more* emotional until adolescence when they "turn to stone."

I've had something like this conversation with my wife about our son. He has always been a very sweet, sensitive, empathetic boy. I tell my wife that I was exactly the same when I was his age, and she asks, "what the hell happened?!" Because I give the impression of not having a wide emotional range myself and not being sensitive to the emotional states of others. Truth is, I'm still very perceptive about others' emotions, but -- having locked down expression of my own emotions -- I'm not all that sympathetic to the emotions of others. (I'm maybe empathetic but not sympathetic.) Locking down my own emotions was made necessary by getting endless amounts of shit about being a crybaby or timid or shy when I was young. That was the stick. The carrot was probably my perception that the tough guys were popular and well regarded.

Now I'm hopeful that my son will have a wider emotional range than I feel comfortable letting on to. I've certainly tried to be conscientious about giving him space to feel concerned or scared or anxious or any other way he happened to feel, because I'm still a little pissed (anger was always permissible) at my parents for trying to toughen me up. I mean, I'm plenty tough emotionally -- I ended up becoming a litigator, I think in part as overcompensation for being ashamed of being conflict averse as a kid. I went ahead and made conflict my livelihood.

Anyway, I was curious if anyone else has had similar experiences, either personally or raising kids. And, do you think it's healthy to repress emotions because it makes you tougher; or do you end up leading a less happy life because of it? (That kind of wandered away from the question I put in my title, but I'll leave it that way.)

[Anonymous]

Conditioned

[Anonymous]

Probably a bit of both. I feel guilty and run around like crazy to make sure DC has a red shirt if is red shirt day because I don’t want her to fell sad or left out. My DH looks at me like i’m crazy.

[Anonymous]

Both. Some of emotional expression is connected to hormones, but of course much of it is nurture. I think there is a healthy middle ground for both boys and girls.

[Anonymous]

I have one son and one daughter, about 18 months apart. They're teens. I wouldn't say one is more emotional than the other, but they deal with their emotions differently. My son, when he was 5 years old, was having trouble with his friends in kindergarten. I kept trying to get him to tell me about it, but he got very annoyed. He said to me, point blank: "Why would I want to talk about it? That would make me even more sad." He was 5 years old when he said that, I can guarantee you it was not conditioned at that point. We don't talk like that at home. My daughter meanwhile, blabs on about anything that crosses her mind, no matter how painful it is. It could be a fluke (my daughter is a lot like me and my son is a lot like my husband -- in many ways) but the differences between them definitely pushed me out of the 'nurture camp and into the 'nature' camp.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. Conditioned. Men and boys have the same full range of emotions as females. Men are taught to repress certain displays of emotions. Emotions still remain.

Hugs OP. You sound like a great Dad.

Is it better to repress? Context. Men crying at work not socially OK. Keep the carrot, lose the stick.

FWIW, I’m more like a dude, I repress pretty much everything but still have feelings. You’d have to peel back an enormous layer of my onion self to really know me. And I’m a vulnerable huge feeler on the inside, like everyone else I assume.

We all carry emotional baggage. My kids don’t get why I rarely cry. I created emotional battle armor to hide the little scared girl on the inside.

It’s great you’re thinking about your son’s emotional range. To start, you need to model expressing uncomfortable feelings in healthy ways. I do too.

Woman

[Anonymous]

I think men and women don't get emotional about the same things. Do men care about what their SIL said? No. They wouldn't care as much. Men would pretty much get emotional if someone keyed their cars or slept with their wives.

[Anonymous]

Pweople wnt to pretend that men and women are exactly the same but in reality we are hard wired different and hormonaally different.

[Anonymous]

Ah the nature vs nurture question that scientist have extensively studied.

It’s a little bit of both. Lots of factors involved. You never know what is going to influence a kid.

I whole heartedly agree that men and women are hard wired different. Both, however, are able to learn to treat other humans with respect.

[Anonymous]

It's always been my observation that men are at least as emotional as women. I don't know why anyone would seriously dispute this. Just think about how people act at work and in your life. Men are just less likely to verbalize their emotions, and when they do, they are often oblique and sarcastic about it. I think some people interpret this as "less emotional," it's just fewer words. The emotions manifest one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Is this a joke? Men at murdering people all the time. They are emotional AF. They express their emotions through violence and women through words.

[Anonymous]

Socialization

[Anonymous]

I think you've hit it on the nose, OP. You sound like a great dad. I'm mom to a boy, married to a man who doesn't find it easy to express emotions, and definitely concerned about not encouraging my son to repress his. It's not healthy, safe, or kind to anyone to make anger the only acceptable negative emotion for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one son and one daughter, about 18 months apart. They're teens. I wouldn't say one is more emotional than the other, but they deal with their emotions differently. My son, when he was 5 years old, was having trouble with his friends in kindergarten. I kept trying to get him to tell me about it, but he got very annoyed. He said to me, point blank: "Why would I want to talk about it? That would make me even more sad." He was 5 years old when he said that, I can guarantee you it was not conditioned at that point. We don't talk like that at home. My daughter meanwhile, blabs on about anything that crosses her mind, no matter how painful it is. It could be a fluke (my daughter is a lot like me and my son is a lot like my husband -- in many ways) but the differences between them definitely pushed me out of the 'nurture camp and into the 'nature' camp.

THIS! My daughter talks and talks and talks and over analyzes EVERYTHING. If there is anyone I tell in the house to get a grip on their emotions it is my daughter. Getting my son to talk about his feeling is like pulling teeth. Furthermore, when my son was in middle school he was having trouble with a group of friends. I was asking him how he felt and his response was simple "Middler schoolers are all morons, who cares what they think? They'll be bored of the drama next week" and he went back to his ipad. My daughter would have stressed, discussed, stress, discussed and cried like it was the end of the world. This is not conditioning. My son takes things like water on a duck. He basically doesn't want to be bothered with what he considers "drama". My DH is the exact same way. Doesn't hold grudges, doesn't want to discuss anything to death. I actually really like it. Cant imagine being a leabian.

[Anonymous]

If you're interested in this subject, there is a good book called the Emotional Life of Boys. It explores the different ways male emotion presents itself.