Do you feel lonely as you get older? Really, really lonely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here, 52. I had two very good friends who I saw about once a week each, usually for a hike.

I had moved to DC temporarily--we all knew it was going to only be two years...and when I moved back, the friend I felt the closest to had replaced me. We used to talk about all things kids and husbands and philosophy and everything, every Tuesday morning, but she found someone else who was in better shape AND a psychologist to boot, so I can see why she's locked in to that friend.

It took a while for me to realize that all her friend needs were met, and she was so busy, that really, there was no room for me. She would offer dates then cancel. Anyways that strung me out for a while, and during that time, I was very lonely. It was because I kept thinking we'd be getting together and then I'd feel a little abandoned when she'd cancel.

My other good friend had joined a club and got into the tennis scene--she was always very good, but she really got into it and plays every day now. So, no time for hiking.

So, OP and PPs, here is something I've done that really has helped me. I stopped looking for friends that were fellow-mom friends. I now have one friend who still lives in DC and is 30 years younger than me but we talk all the time, I'm friends with my DDs art teacher, I volunteer somewhere and my boss is this fabulous handsome gay guy and I adore him, a nice designer lady ten years older than me came to help me with my closet and now we meet for coffee...I'm working on developing a friendship with a woman I met on a blog who lives cross-town, and I know someone from a family camp who comes into my town periodically to get her hair dyed, and we are now meeting up. I go to this massage therapist and we discuss our kids etc. while she works on my back.

The truth is, I'd give them up for someone who really "gets" me and is in a similar life situation, and who could be there maybe once a week for a hike or coffee, but that's not my life now. These people are my bridge, and one of them might become someone who really "gets" me. But I will take kind people where I find them, and it's ok if they are not my demographic or if the relationship is tinged with business. For instance, the massage therapist will never do something outside of her work with me--she's way too busy and any free time will be for her kids, but the art teacher has gone hiking with me, and the designer to lunch and coffee. I'm ok with whatever level friend they want to be.

I am actually rather shy and always have had just a few deep friendships. This has been an interesting development for me. (These friends are still one-on-one; I guess I'll never be the type with a group of friends.)

This sounds like me. Too bad you moved back to where you used to live.

Signed, introvert who prefers mostly one on one friendships in NOVA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad at 78 plays bocce and drinks coffee with the same group of men a few times a week. He has known 2 of them since college.

My mom has a tight group of girlfriends she has also known since she was in college, they go out, have beach weekends, go to restaurants, attend each others' kids' weddings and baby showers. She has a separate group of art friends, they go to galleries and lunch.

My parents have thanksgiving with the same group of friends they have been partying with since their 20s.

I am jealous! I have nothing even remotely approaching this.

I know this is an older post but I just loved the description of your mom. I want a life like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this lonely- I do a lot of things by myself,and rarely reach out to participate in an activity unless I know I will have fun. I can spend a whole weekend by myself and feel great . I play tennis 4x a week but do not consider my partners friends. I would rather go out with my ex to places and activities because its just easier than cracking the ice with someone new. My closest friend is a childhood one.

You sound like me - a hardcore introvert. When my DH goes on a business trip (we don't have kids) I can happily stay in the house reading, watching movies, pursuing hobbies for a week without any contact with anyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this lonely- I do a lot of things by myself,and rarely reach out to participate in an activity unless I know I will have fun. I can spend a whole weekend by myself and feel great . I play tennis 4x a week but do not consider my partners friends. I would rather go out with my ex to places and activities because its just easier than cracking the ice with someone new. My closest friend is a childhood one.

You sound like me - a hardcore introvert. When my DH goes on a business trip (we don't have kids) I can happily stay in the house reading, watching movies, pursuing hobbies for a week without any contact with anyone!

Me three! I am divorced and live alone. I have friends I can talk to or do things with if I want to, and family too, but I am usually perfectly happy to hang out by myself doing the things I love, or going out to a movie or restaurant or shopping. No need to involve anyone else most of the time. It is a peaceful, stress-free, happy life. I do work so I also get that interaction with others but it is not as great as my alone time. Lonely is something I feel maybe about once or twice a year, briefly.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel lonely as I get older, I think because I have always been a loner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I finish up my 40s, I have to split my energy socially between my family, a few deep friendships of 18-30 years, and a number of shallow ones. The shallow ones with brunches, wine evenings, weekend getaways, texting constantly, and just a lot to do really exhaust me the most. So much maintenance of everyone’s moods, including mine!

I still like meeting new people and doing new things with them, but not every week. There seems to be some magic number of times that you can decline before they stop asking you. I have to lie and say I already have plans so I can just read on the patio with DH.

YES! I'm 48 and my very close friends from pre-kids, childhood, college are all so busy and we no longer live close. We stay in touch and can pick up right where we left off.

With a 10 and 13-year old most spare time is related to kids' sports and other activities. Less time to socialize. When we do socialize, it's more of the people that live in proximity.

I saw how my parents had an amazing retirement and were traveling and socializing with old friends all of the time once all the kids were out of the house. It really gives me hope and I know in about 7-8 years we will be taking those hilarious fun trips with our old travel buddies from our late 20s-mid 30s again when the kids are in college and beyond.

[Anonymous]

I don't have the close GF's I had 20-30 years ago when my kids were young and in school and there were tons of women in the same boat. I do miss it. But a few years ago I got involved with a women's club and I'm now the president so I'm incredibly busy and engaged with other people. I also joined a women's golf program and that is a ton of fun. So, I am not lonely. Plus, I love spending time with my DH. We all go through friendship transitions and it's easy to be lonely but there are many ways to connect with people but you have to make an effort.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I’m lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I’m lonely.

Me too, very lonely.

I hope things get better for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here, 52. I had two very good friends who I saw about once a week each, usually for a hike.

I had moved to DC temporarily--we all knew it was going to only be two years...and when I moved back, the friend I felt the closest to had replaced me. We used to talk about all things kids and husbands and philosophy and everything, every Tuesday morning, but she found someone else who was in better shape AND a psychologist to boot, so I can see why she's locked in to that friend.

It took a while for me to realize that all her friend needs were met, and she was so busy, that really, there was no room for me. She would offer dates then cancel. Anyways that strung me out for a while, and during that time, I was very lonely. It was because I kept thinking we'd be getting together and then I'd feel a little abandoned when she'd cancel.

My other good friend had joined a club and got into the tennis scene--she was always very good, but she really got into it and plays every day now. So, no time for hiking.

So, OP and PPs, here is something I've done that really has helped me. I stopped looking for friends that were fellow-mom friends. I now have one friend who still lives in DC and is 30 years younger than me but we talk all the time, I'm friends with my DDs art teacher, I volunteer somewhere and my boss is this fabulous handsome gay guy and I adore him, a nice designer lady ten years older than me came to help me with my closet and now we meet for coffee...I'm working on developing a friendship with a woman I met on a blog who lives cross-town, and I know someone from a family camp who comes into my town periodically to get her hair dyed, and we are now meeting up. I go to this massage therapist and we discuss our kids etc. while she works on my back.

The truth is, I'd give them up for someone who really "gets" me and is in a similar life situation, and who could be there maybe once a week for a hike or coffee, but that's not my life now. These people are my bridge, and one of them might become someone who really "gets" me. But I will take kind people where I find them, and it's ok if they are not my demographic or if the relationship is tinged with business. For instance, the massage therapist will never do something outside of her work with me--she's way too busy and any free time will be for her kids, but the art teacher has gone hiking with me, and the designer to lunch and coffee. I'm ok with whatever level friend they want to be.

I am actually rather shy and always have had just a few deep friendships. This has been an interesting development for me. (These friends are still one-on-one; I guess I'll never be the type with a group of friends.)

This sounds like me. Too bad you moved back to where you used to live.

Signed, introvert who prefers mostly one on one friendships in NOVA.

Top PP here...who knows, PP, maybe we knew each other, I was in N. Arlington, now I'm in Los Angeles. I hope some of the PPs try the approach I suggested because I really was terribly lonely until I started working it differently

[Anonymous]

I would say the easiest way to meet people is to meet your relatives. Get your DNA tested through Ancestry.com. When they send you your results, they will also send you a list of hundreds of people you are related to many with their photos. This will give you a lifelong hobby, and you can reach out to some of them, and some will reach out to you. You can make lifelong friendships with relatives you never knew existed. The whole process is exciting! There will be lots to talk about!