Do you feel lonely as you get older? Really, really lonely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess I'm indulging in a pity party somewhat. My husband points out that I have several "mom" friends whom I could ask to do a favor (watch my kids, give them a ride, etc.), and whom I meet perhaps a couple of times a year for lunch. They're lovely people, but I get the sense that it's not going to go much further than that. I very much miss having a good friend whom I can chat with frequently and discuss more personal things rather than kids' school activities. My husband always has been the type to retreat to his study for most of his free time, and it's only gotten worse as he gets older. If the kids are gone at camp or events, I have realized that I can go several days without speaking more than a sentence or two to another person. My husband says I brought this upon myself by not making more of an effort. There should be a dating service or something for people who want to make friends.

Isn't your spouse your friend?

It also sounds as if your are SAHM or WAHM, which may limit your interactions. Is there a way for you to work or volunteer more outside? You may not form new, deep friendships but it will help you to not feel so isolated. I posted upthread about feeling lonelier now that our kids are teens/college. I’ve made a stronger effort to nurture my older friendships. Even if it is just short texts, even just quick “hey” to a far away friend, I think it helps me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He used to be, but not for the last decade or so. He's had some health issues and setbacks at work and has become extremely critical and downright mean. I've suggested that he see a doctor because I believe he's suffering from depression, but he insists he's fine. We mainly avoid each other in different rooms, which is probably best. When I've been bursting at the seams to talk with someone, I sometimes try with him. He tells me that I have nothing to complain about and that most women would envy my life -- a nice, big house and several kids who are doing well. Those parts are very true, but I feel more and more like I'm going to fade away without someone to talk to. I think I require less social interaction than most, and having a close spouse would be enough for me most of the time. Divorce is not really an option since it would mean taking our children out of the private schools they love and cutting back on an activity at which our child excels. I can't do that to them.

Find a licensed social worker to talk too for awhile. It helped me... just So I wasn’t so much in my head.

[Anonymous]

How do you find a licensed social worker?

[Anonymous]

OP, it is the competitiveness of this area.

[Anonymous]

How so?

[Anonymous]

Harder. The social circle we create because of kids is gone. Work people are never our social circle.

I plan to volunteer, go to school, spend more time pursuing my hobbies and planning to meet up with fellow empty nester friends once every few weeks for lunch or a movie.

[Anonymous]

This area is particularly bad because so many people are transplants from somewhere else, so you’re not near your older connections. You are in that time/age crunch where it’s just harder to meet new people. This is why I find some joy in Facebook - there are tons of older connections that if we are in the same location, we go and do all the friend things, even if we hadn’t seen each other in a few years. If we lived in the same area, we’d definitely be hanging out more. If I travel, I will put on FB “hey, I’m going to be in X city next week - anyone want to meet for lunch/dinner?” I almost always see someone.

Here, I’ve done the volunteering/church thing for years, and I’ve still done maybe one adult only outside activity with these people. It’s just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Your best bet is your kids friends’ moms. Are any of them friendly? You can ask them if they’d like to join you taking the kids to the aquarium or wherever one day. You will enjoy the company and so will they.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your best bet is your kids friends’ moms. Are any of them friendly? You can ask them if they’d like to join you taking the kids to the aquarium or wherever one day. You will enjoy the company and so will they.

OP's kids are teenagers who probably don't need to be chaperoned to the aquarium by their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess I'm indulging in a pity party somewhat. My husband points out that I have several "mom" friends whom I could ask to do a favor (watch my kids, give them a ride, etc.), and whom I meet perhaps a couple of times a year for lunch. They're lovely people, but I get the sense that it's not going to go much further than that. I very much miss having a good friend whom I can chat with frequently and discuss more personal things rather than kids' school activities. My husband always has been the type to retreat to his study for most of his free time, and it's only gotten worse as he gets older. If the kids are gone at camp or events, I have realized that I can go several days without speaking more than a sentence or two to another person. My husband says I brought this upon myself by not making more of an effort. There should be a dating service or something for people who want to make friends.

This is...bizarre.

Get a job, OP, or find a volunteer gig.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to some of this. I have some very good friendships that I value-- many out of the area-- and a number of acquaintances but I would like to have a few more (local) personal friends where we keep up with each other's lives and do stuff together etc.

I have joined a lot of things and host various things even..... but I find it much harder to make new fulfilling connection. So, I have a plethora of more shallow ones instead.

[Anonymous]

I find many people my age quite strange. Most came from working class stock who are first or second generation Americans. About half are college educated but few seem well educated. A few served in Vietnam, but most did not. Most are comfortable but not independently wealthy.

And most are Trump supporters. Not only supporters but true Trump disciples. They are people who came from immigrant working class stock and made good lives from themselves in middle management at places like Kodak and 3M. They enjoyed perfectly adequate lives and livelihoods living in "Status Symbol Land", but certainly were not C-Suite Executives. Most are in the Vietnam Era age group but few served in the military.

And they are among the most hateful and least generous of the Trumfpians. They are strange because like Trump, during their lives have given little service to the United States, but consider themselves among the most patriotic.

FWIW, I'm a veteran, but I refuse to stand to receive applause at sporting events and such. And no one should thank me for my service either. I saw combat and training missions and some of my friends died in both types of operations. I returned home healthy and had a good life. Don't thank me, thank those who died and came home in pieces.

I don't understand Vietnam Era aged men. Most of whom that I know have made few meaningful sacrifices for God or country in their lives but think of themselves as elderly Sergeant Yorks, Audey Murphys, and John McCains.

I have a small circle of friends, but that's enough for me.

[Anonymous]

NP here, 52. I had two very good friends who I saw about once a week each, usually for a hike.

I had moved to DC temporarily--we all knew it was going to only be two years...and when I moved back, the friend I felt the closest to had replaced me. We used to talk about all things kids and husbands and philosophy and everything, every Tuesday morning, but she found someone else who was in better shape AND a psychologist to boot, so I can see why she's locked in to that friend.

It took a while for me to realize that all her friend needs were met, and she was so busy, that really, there was no room for me. She would offer dates then cancel. Anyways that strung me out for a while, and during that time, I was very lonely. It was because I kept thinking we'd be getting together and then I'd feel a little abandoned when she'd cancel.

My other good friend had joined a club and got into the tennis scene--she was always very good, but she really got into it and plays every day now. So, no time for hiking.

So, OP and PPs, here is something I've done that really has helped me. I stopped looking for friends that were fellow-mom friends. I now have one friend who still lives in DC and is 30 years younger than me but we talk all the time, I'm friends with my DDs art teacher, I volunteer somewhere and my boss is this fabulous handsome gay guy and I adore him, a nice designer lady ten years older than me came to help me with my closet and now we meet for coffee...I'm working on developing a friendship with a woman I met on a blog who lives cross-town, and I know someone from a family camp who comes into my town periodically to get her hair dyed, and we are now meeting up. I go to this massage therapist and we discuss our kids etc. while she works on my back.

The truth is, I'd give them up for someone who really "gets" me and is in a similar life situation, and who could be there maybe once a week for a hike or coffee, but that's not my life now. These people are my bridge, and one of them might become someone who really "gets" me. But I will take kind people where I find them, and it's ok if they are not my demographic or if the relationship is tinged with business. For instance, the massage therapist will never do something outside of her work with me--she's way too busy and any free time will be for her kids, but the art teacher has gone hiking with me, and the designer to lunch and coffee. I'm ok with whatever level friend they want to be.

I am actually rather shy and always have had just a few deep friendships. This has been an interesting development for me. (These friends are still one-on-one; I guess I'll never be the type with a group of friends.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad at 78 plays bocce and drinks coffee with the same group of men a few times a week. He has known 2 of them since college.

My mom has a tight group of girlfriends she has also known since she was in college, they go out, have beach weekends, go to restaurants, attend each others' kids' weddings and baby showers. She has a separate group of art friends, they go to galleries and lunch.

My parents have thanksgiving with the same group of friends they have been partying with since their 20s.

I am jealous! I have nothing even remotely approaching this.

you probably live in DC with all the other transients. urban elite.

[Anonymous]

At one point I'll get there, but my kids are still enlivening the house and our friends are nearby, so life is sometimes TOO busy.