Do you feel lonely as you get older? Really, really lonely?

[Anonymous]

Not really. Being retired we have a lot of leisure time and spend a lot of it with friends. This summer we have traveled to London and Ireland on two trips with different sets of friends. We try to stay connected with a lot 'of our old friends and with our children and grandchildren all within an hour we are pretty busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems harder and harder to make friends and maintain them as I get older. Perhaps it's me, or maybe not...

Thank you for speaking this out loud so that the rest of us know we aren’t alone.

[Anonymous]

In the same boat right now. One kid off to college, one a jr in HS, DH working long hours while we try to catch up on retirement funds and pay for college. DH is 8 years older than me and isn't very social like when we met decades ago.

I agree with others who say it's a phase but I fear for the future because I will need 8 years of health insurance before I can access Medicare but would like to "retire" early to enjoy some retirement time with DH. There's no way I can afford ACA in its current form plus our kids may need access to our health insurance for another 8-10 years - which means DH will have to work as long as possible. This will most certainly impact finding friends.

I really can't look for a full-time job until DK is out of HS and then face age discrimination. I work PT from home mostly although I have a few in office hours a week so pretty darn lonely.

[Anonymous]

As I finish up my 40s, I have to split my energy socially between my family, a few deep friendships of 18-30 years, and a number of shallow ones. The shallow ones with brunches, wine evenings, weekend getaways, texting constantly, and just a lot to do really exhaust me the most. So much maintenance of everyone’s moods, including mine!

I still like meeting new people and doing new things with them, but not every week. There seems to be some magic number of times that you can decline before they stop asking you. I have to lie and say I already have plans so I can just read on the patio with DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have any attachment figures? A spouse or a sibling? Studies show that Openness, a Big Five trait, tends to decrease as we get older. As people get older, we are less likely to seek new friendships, or “waste time” on developing new ones and be more conservative with our beliefs.

In the beginning of life, we are selective to whom we are attached, and also this is the case as we approach later adulthood. If you are lonely at this stage of your life, you are more prone to developing depression, so make sure you have social support around you and you are nurturing close relationships.

[Anonymous]

Is this lonely- I do a lot of things by myself,and rarely reach out to participate in an activity unless I know I will have fun. I can spend a whole weekend by myself and feel great . I play tennis 4x a week but do not consider my partners friends. I would rather go out with my ex to places and activities because its just easier than cracking the ice with someone new. My closest friend is a childhood one.

[Anonymous]

As my DC gets ready to head off to college, I am very worried about the possible loneliness of an empty nest. I’ve gotten involved in activities that are fun and I like the people, but haven’t felt any deep connections yet. Also, many of the people are a lot younger, so while it’s refreshing to be with them, a friendship seems unlikely as our lives are so different. Maybe friendship (with some of the older folks) just takes time. It’s nice to see how many others are dealing my with similar concerns.

[Anonymous]

All DCUM moms beware--this is the result of being so obsessed with your kids and family that you neglect friendships and socializing in general. Maintaining friendships requires effort over the years otherwise you are left sad and lonely in your 50's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All DCUM moms beware--this is the result of being so obsessed with your kids and family that you neglect friendships and socializing in general. Maintaining friendships requires effort over the years otherwise you are left sad and lonely in your 50's.

“Obsessing” over family and kids is never a good thing and will create a sour a relationship between a parent, spouse or child. I do agree that this will create distance and animosity between family members.

Don’t waste your time with shallow friendships. Nurture the ones you already have.

Absolutely nothing wrong about developing a great relationship with your family and making it first priority. Knowing your family is there for you until the end of life prevents DESPAIR. So, be an excellent parent and spouse because that will be part of your satisfaction in life and peaceful passing.

Loneliness evolves to despair when as you are dying, you realize that your loved ones aren’t there, or you really didn’t have any to begin with.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I guess I'm indulging in a pity party somewhat. My husband points out that I have several "mom" friends whom I could ask to do a favor (watch my kids, give them a ride, etc.), and whom I meet perhaps a couple of times a year for lunch. They're lovely people, but I get the sense that it's not going to go much further than that. I very much miss having a good friend whom I can chat with frequently and discuss more personal things rather than kids' school activities. My husband always has been the type to retreat to his study for most of his free time, and it's only gotten worse as he gets older. If the kids are gone at camp or events, I have realized that I can go several days without speaking more than a sentence or two to another person. My husband says I brought this upon myself by not making more of an effort. There should be a dating service or something for people who want to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Oh your post makes me sad OP. You might have to really get out and about if you really want to make more friends. Try book clubs, church groups, exercise groups, volunteering, and just hanging out a bit in coffee shops. It is hard, but I think you can do it if you make a conscious effort. I get what you are saying. Most of my friends live in other cities, so I spend most of my time away from work with my husband or just going to movies.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry it’s hard op. I’m worried about that too and I’m not yet 40. Somehow I see that my parents managed to keep some wonderful long term friendships and are constantly having dinner parties or book club things and they are in their 60s. Granted it’s an immigrant community so they age some old joint hardships as a basis for their friendship.
For my part i am also very open to having friends in different stages and ages. I volunteer and it’s a mixed age group and there are some lovely people who are empty nesters already and I’d say we are friends. We do some things socially outside of the volunteering and I’m close with a couple of them and we can talk candidly about our lives and family. Keep that in mind. Sometimes it’s good to have a different perspective. Not all your friends have to be in the same place in their life as you.

[Anonymous]

I was cripplingly lonely in my late 20's to mid 30s. Then again for a while when the kids were tiny and I was exhausted and living in a new country (this one).

But I will be 50 this year and I'm not lonely at all. And I don't have lots of friends around either. Perverse, I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess I'm indulging in a pity party somewhat. My husband points out that I have several "mom" friends whom I could ask to do a favor (watch my kids, give them a ride, etc.), and whom I meet perhaps a couple of times a year for lunch. They're lovely people, but I get the sense that it's not going to go much further than that. I very much miss having a good friend whom I can chat with frequently and discuss more personal things rather than kids' school activities. My husband always has been the type to retreat to his study for most of his free time, and it's only gotten worse as he gets older. If the kids are gone at camp or events, I have realized that I can go several days without speaking more than a sentence or two to another person. My husband says I brought this upon myself by not making more of an effort. There should be a dating service or something for people who want to make friends.

Isn't your spouse your friend?

[Anonymous]

He used to be, but not for the last decade or so. He's had some health issues and setbacks at work and has become extremely critical and downright mean. I've suggested that he see a doctor because I believe he's suffering from depression, but he insists he's fine. We mainly avoid each other in different rooms, which is probably best. When I've been bursting at the seams to talk with someone, I sometimes try with him. He tells me that I have nothing to complain about and that most women would envy my life -- a nice, big house and several kids who are doing well. Those parts are very true, but I feel more and more like I'm going to fade away without someone to talk to. I think I require less social interaction than most, and having a close spouse would be enough for me most of the time. Divorce is not really an option since it would mean taking our children out of the private schools they love and cutting back on an activity at which our child excels. I can't do that to them.