MIL demanding monetary gift for Father's Day from every child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its your parents and family. If you cannot be generous (only $100? That's not expensive) with them, there is no hope for you.

Well brunch will be $300 for 6 of us without a tip and alcohol. MIL drinks like a fish. Nephews graduation present $200. And two baby showers each $150.
That's 1k this month on gifts alone. We have huge family and there are bdays or something every single month.

Again, none of these events came up just this week or this month, so you should have planned better. Or choose a brunch that isn't $50 a person - wth?!? You seem to be "all or nothing" and that's not how life works - find a middle ground that everyone can live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its your parents and family. If you cannot be generous (only $100? That's not expensive) with them, there is no hope for you.

Well brunch will be $300 for 6 of us without a tip and alcohol. MIL drinks like a fish. Nephews graduation present $200. And two baby showers each $150.
That's 1k this month on gifts alone. We have huge family and there are bdays or something every single month.

Why are you spending so much on gifts? What kind of graduation? If HS, $200 is way too much. $150 for a baby shower seems excessive to me as well.

What is the appropriate gift for HS graduation and baby shower? Thanks

Wow. I'd say $50ish for each gift.

Ok. I just though HS graduation and baby shower happens only once while Father's Day every year, hence smaller gift. I guess my reasoning is wrong.

Yes $200 and $150 is much too much unless the graduation is your child or grandchild (not nephew) or the baby showers are for one of your siblings (or siblings in law), so for the birth of a niece or nephew. $50-100 is much more reasonable.

You were planning to spend $500 on gifts. Redistribute to $100 per gift and you'll only spend $400 and still be within the same budget.

Additionally, when such interactions occur with your in-laws, do not comment directly to the in-laws. Make your comments to your husband and let him manage his siblings and parents. So, you commented to your husband that you thought it was a bit much and he said essentially "What's the problem?" because he didn't see it as a problem. That means that you stay out of it unless you are trying to say that this violates a previously agreed upon budget or that you think it is excessive. Judging by your intended graduation/baby shower gifts that would just come across as not liking his parents and wanting to be rude to them.

Thank you. That's great idea to redistribute.
My whole problem with Father's Day gift is that it is not first time when MIL asking for specific gift. She also likes to judge the gifts she is getting from other people. Like my SIL( her daughter) has very many children and once sent something very small on Father's Day, while BIL usually just calls to say "happy Father's Day". So this year she organized everything herself to get the right gift. I am not sure the reason behind it, maybe my FIL complains at home to her or else?

[Anonymous]

OP again. I wanted to add that we always make very generous gifts for Xmas and birthdays I just never thought that Fathers/Mothers day was such a big deal. I used to think it's more of a brunch/lunch family get together, like Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its your parents and family. If you cannot be generous (only $100? That's not expensive) with them, there is no hope for you.

Well brunch will be $300 for 6 of us without a tip and alcohol. MIL drinks like a fish. Nephews graduation present $200. And two baby showers each $150.
That's 1k this month on gifts alone. We have huge family and there are bdays or something every single month.

Why are you spending so much on gifts? What kind of graduation? If HS, $200 is way too much. $150 for a baby shower seems excessive to me as well.

What is the appropriate gift for HS graduation and baby shower? Thanks

Wow. I'd say $50ish for each gift.

Ok. I just though HS graduation and baby shower happens only once while Father's Day every year, hence smaller gift. I guess my reasoning is wrong.

Everyone graduates from high school, it's no more significant than graduating from preschool. Send me an announcement if the kid DOESN'T graduate from high school. $50 is plenty. If you want to go big, wait for college graduation because that's a noteworthy achievement. Baby showers...$50 is ample. If they can't afford to outfit their baby with stuff they need (not want; need) then they can't afford to have a kid. Buy a couple of nice books or some diapers and an outfit and call it done. Half the stuff people get at showers is ridiculous and ends up being donated anyway. If it's a sibling having a baby or a very close friend who's been there for you over the years then spend more. Otherwise $50 is plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What is the appropriate gift for HS graduation and baby shower? Thanks

Wow. I'd say $50ish for each gift.

Ok. I just though HS graduation and baby shower happens only once while Father's Day every year, hence smaller gift. I guess my reasoning is wrong.

Yes $200 and $150 is much too much unless the graduation is your child or grandchild (not nephew) or the baby showers are for one of your siblings (or siblings in law), so for the birth of a niece or nephew. $50-100 is much more reasonable.

You were planning to spend $500 on gifts. Redistribute to $100 per gift and you'll only spend $400 and still be within the same budget.

Additionally, when such interactions occur with your in-laws, do not comment directly to the in-laws. Make your comments to your husband and let him manage his siblings and parents. So, you commented to your husband that you thought it was a bit much and he said essentially "What's the problem?" because he didn't see it as a problem. That means that you stay out of it unless you are trying to say that this violates a previously agreed upon budget or that you think it is excessive. Judging by your intended graduation/baby shower gifts that would just come across as not liking his parents and wanting to be rude to them.

Thank you. That's great idea to redistribute.
My whole problem with Father's Day gift is that it is not first time when MIL asking for specific gift. She also likes to judge the gifts she is getting from other people. Like my SIL( her daughter) has very many children and once sent something very small on Father's Day, while BIL usually just calls to say "happy Father's Day". So this year she organized everything herself to get the right gift. I am not sure the reason behind it, maybe my FIL complains at home to her or else?

You're welcome.

Some people like to have small celebrations for Mother's/Father's Day but once every few years have a big party and/or gift. It's not up to you to judge how their family celebrates. That's why I said to defer to your husband for how reasonable or unreasonable this request is. You express to him your concern or judgment that you didn't expect this to be a big gift holiday. He'll help you figure out what works in their family. Then he can run interference.

Based on your other comments, if you normally give a big gift for birthday or Christmas, the give the big gift now with the family and at the next birthday/Christmas, talk to your husband about giving FIL a smaller gift on the next occasion because you've already given a big gift once this year. Then follow his lead.

While you want to be more generous for graduations/baby showers because they are one time deals, I would suggest you reconsider. What most people do is give bigger gifts or be more generous with family and close friends and give smaller size gifts and amounts to those you are less close with. In this case, hopefully, your in-laws will be family for the rest of your and/or their lives. Think of this money as an investment in family harmony for the future and in trying to maintain good relationships with these people for the long haul. Some of the friends/acquaintances that you go to baby showers for, you may be close with now and go your own ways in a few years and be less close. It's sad, but not nearly as difficult if you develop distance with a friend or acquaintance. It makes things much more difficult if you develop a distance with a relative or in-law that you may be sharing family events and functions with for many, many years in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What is the appropriate gift for HS graduation and baby shower? Thanks

Wow. I'd say $50ish for each gift.

Ok. I just though HS graduation and baby shower happens only once while Father's Day every year, hence smaller gift. I guess my reasoning is wrong.

Yes $200 and $150 is much too much unless the graduation is your child or grandchild (not nephew) or the baby showers are for one of your siblings (or siblings in law), so for the birth of a niece or nephew. $50-100 is much more reasonable.

You were planning to spend $500 on gifts. Redistribute to $100 per gift and you'll only spend $400 and still be within the same budget.

Additionally, when such interactions occur with your in-laws, do not comment directly to the in-laws. Make your comments to your husband and let him manage his siblings and parents. So, you commented to your husband that you thought it was a bit much and he said essentially "What's the problem?" because he didn't see it as a problem. That means that you stay out of it unless you are trying to say that this violates a previously agreed upon budget or that you think it is excessive. Judging by your intended graduation/baby shower gifts that would just come across as not liking his parents and wanting to be rude to them.

Thank you. That's great idea to redistribute.
My whole problem with Father's Day gift is that it is not first time when MIL asking for specific gift. She also likes to judge the gifts she is getting from other people. Like my SIL( her daughter) has very many children and once sent something very small on Father's Day, while BIL usually just calls to say "happy Father's Day". So this year she organized everything herself to get the right gift. I am not sure the reason behind it, maybe my FIL complains at home to her or else?

You're welcome.

Some people like to have small celebrations for Mother's/Father's Day but once every few years have a big party and/or gift. It's not up to you to judge how their family celebrates. That's why I said to defer to your husband for how reasonable or unreasonable this request is. You express to him your concern or judgment that you didn't expect this to be a big gift holiday. He'll help you figure out what works in their family. Then he can run interference.

Based on your other comments, if you normally give a big gift for birthday or Christmas, the give the big gift now with the family and at the next birthday/Christmas, talk to your husband about giving FIL a smaller gift on the next occasion because you've already given a big gift once this year. Then follow his lead.

While you want to be more generous for graduations/baby showers because they are one time deals, I would suggest you reconsider. What most people do is give bigger gifts or be more generous with family and close friends and give smaller size gifts and amounts to those you are less close with. In this case, hopefully, your in-laws will be family for the rest of your and/or their lives. Think of this money as an investment in family harmony for the future and in trying to maintain good relationships with these people for the long haul. Some of the friends/acquaintances that you go to baby showers for, you may be close with now and go your own ways in a few years and be less close. It's sad, but not nearly as difficult if you develop distance with a friend or acquaintance. It makes things much more difficult if you develop a distance with a relative or in-law that you may be sharing family events and functions with for many, many years in the future.

Thank you so much for your input. It's hard sometimes to understand priorities when having lots of friends and big families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its your parents and family. If you cannot be generous (only $100? That's not expensive) with them, there is no hope for you.

Well brunch will be $300 for 6 of us without a tip and alcohol. MIL drinks like a fish. Nephews graduation present $200. And two baby showers each $150.
That's 1k this month on gifts alone. We have huge family and there are bdays or something every single month.

Why are you spending so much on gifts? What kind of graduation? If HS, $200 is way too much. $150 for a baby shower seems excessive to me as well.

What is the appropriate gift for HS graduation and baby shower? Thanks

Wow. I'd say $50ish for each gift.

NP here. See, I would have originally thought this too, but DH's family is very similar to OP's re gifts and they go over the top for every occasion and talk about how cheap everyone is who isn't on par with them. (And they know that our HHI is significantly less than theirs.)

Obviously spend what you want to, but it isn't always fun being the one guest with a small gift, especially when they open in front of everyone and yours gets the pause with cricket chirps, like "am I missing something?"

OP, I've found that what worked for us was a discussion about fairness of gifts. We agreed on an amount that was reasonable to spend on all relatives per occasion, my side and his side, keeping it even Steven. Like $50 per birthday. So if one wants to spend more on that occasion, it has to come from their own personal spending money and DH needs to decide whether it's worth skipping a few dinners out with the guys to chip in the remainder of his $500 share for a $2000 photo frame that his sister picked out and decided would be from everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its your parents and family. If you cannot be generous (only $100? That's not expensive) with them, there is no hope for you.

Well brunch will be $300 for 6 of us without a tip and alcohol. MIL drinks like a fish. Nephews graduation present $200. And two baby showers each $150.
That's 1k this month on gifts alone. We have huge family and there are bdays or something every single month.

You clearly hate your MIL and that is the issue

I don't know, I tend to agree with OP that this is so unreasonable. If the siblings are planning something, that seems fine. For the MIL to plan for father's day for FIL, that's not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a way for them to get out of brunch with you all?

No they still want brunch lol

Make it clear that it’s a one or the other. “Well we were going to offer to take you both to brunch but if you think he will like this instead, we’ll just skip that and contribute to this gift instead. Should we still come by on Father’s Day - to see the XYZ, or just call in the evening to see how he likes it?”

This. Totally beg off the brunch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse think?

When I raised my eyebrows he kind of acted with "what's your problem" response. So I guess I will just go with it. Just wanted to make sure I am not the crazy one.
The gift will be mostly used by MIL btw.

I'm with your husband. You sound mad just because it is your MIL making the request. If you husband is okay with it then you should be, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I wanted to add that we always make very generous gifts for Xmas and birthdays I just never thought that Fathers/Mothers day was such a big deal. I used to think it's more of a brunch/lunch family get together, like Thanksgiving.

It doesn’t have to be such a big deal. If your mother-in-law’s regularly shaking you down for money for extravagant gifts you can’t afford, say no.

Graduations and baby showers are both events where the money is truly going to someone who’s just starting out whether that be an adult life or as parents. Your inclination for generosity there seems wise to me.

[Anonymous]

“I don’t have any money for your shakedown, Ma, but here’s a dollar off the ‘Bucket o’ Chicken’ at KFC”