Hey working mothers, a work-life balance is a myth.

[Anonymous]

I feel balanced. I work 8-4:30. I have a 7 minute commute and then I'm home with my toddler and infant (we vary pick up and drop off, but the daycare is near our home too). I make 100k and am a fed. DH has similar hours and gets home by 5:30pm every night and makes 110k. The money is enough to live in a nice house in a suburb of VA that we both work in. The kids go to a daycare they adore and our parents live down the street and babysit every weekend.

Sure I miss living/working downtown, but we couldn't have made that work with kids. I also wish we made more money, but we have everything we want. Sure I would have loved maternity leave or the ability to take a few years off when I had kids, but that's life. I'm currently 9 mo pregnant with #3 and will have approximately 2 weeks out of my 12 weeks paid.

I think I have a very even work life balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The unstated assumption is that women are responsible for the balance. Not employers, who are demanding our unpaid time outside of work hours. You can't push back against that alone; each of us individually are in a position where the employer has more power than we do. If we want to fix this, we need to stand together.

This is why we're unbalanced in the US. Other countries don't allow unpaid labor like they do here. So many people work 50-60 hour weeks but are only paid for 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel balanced. I work 8-4:30. I have a 7 minute commute and then I'm home with my toddler and infant (we vary pick up and drop off, but the daycare is near our home too). I make 100k and am a fed. DH has similar hours and gets home by 5:30pm every night and makes 110k. The money is enough to live in a nice house in a suburb of VA that we both work in. The kids go to a daycare they adore and our parents live down the street and babysit every weekend.

Sure I miss living/working downtown, but we couldn't have made that work with kids. I also wish we made more money, but we have everything we want. Sure I would have loved maternity leave or the ability to take a few years off when I had kids, but that's life. I'm currently 9 mo pregnant with #3 and will have approximately 2 weeks out of my 12 weeks paid.

I think I have a very even work life balance.

I have something similar except we make a little more and are not feds. My commute is about a mile since we bought close to my office and we have grandparents who pitch in a lot for work trips etc. So my life is generally balanced over the course of the year and with help. But my grandparents did the same for me so it’s a family cultural thing and no one feels burdened or obligated. My mom specifically said shat she will help more if that would make the difference between us having one child or more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I come close. I am fortunate to have a fantastic nanny who also acts as House Manager; I own my own company; and I have parents who beg to have DD sleep over on Saturday night giving DH and I a date night every week. I outsource everything to have three day weekends devoted only to DD and DH.

So between the nanny and sleepovers when do you see your child?

All day Friday, Friday night, all day Saturday, all day Sunday and Sunday night, every M - Th for at least two hours in the morning and every evening from 5:30 to bedtime at 7:30. And because I outsource cleaning, laundry and cooking, my time with DD is 100% with DD.

When do you see your children?

More than you as I do not foist them on the grandparents, but my children are also allowed to participate in sports activities and have friends, so they certainly do not spend every waking moment with me during the day.

This forum is for parents of children under 4, your under 4 year old has multiple sports activities and play dates without you?

[Anonymous]

My kid comes before work every time. Will I achieve as much at work as I would have without him, probably not, and honestly, I don't care.

[Anonymous]

Shonda Rhimes said in a commencement speech how she can't have it all and that if she's killing it in one area, she's most certainly failing in another. If she's at a taping, she's not a her child's dance recital. Men never are talking about finding balance, at least not to the degree women do. We put so much pressure on ourselves. Can we all agree, we'll never find the perfect balance and that what that balance looks like differs for everyone and will change over time?

[Anonymous]

I feel unbalanced. I am with toddler (4) and baby (8 months) from 6:30 a.m. to 8:30 a.m. and from 6 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. I spend all weekend with them unless I work for a couple hours on a weekend day or DH and I get a sitter to go out for dinner. I log back on and work most nights after the kids go to bed. I think that's why I feel unbalanced - its not just about balancing between work and kids, you need time for yourself as well. I am a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

I love how the Shark Tank woman says when she's at home she devotes "150 percent" of her attention to her husband and kids. All these advice columns for women fudge the math. F*ck this advice for women bs. The problem is systemic, as PPs have said. It should not be on each woman to solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much of yoyr paycheck is negated between daycare/nanny and outsourcing "everything" so that you can be 100% engaged with your 1 kid when you finally do get home from work?
That's gotta be nearly your whole monthly paycheck, No?

And to the poster upthread whose kid spends Sat night with grandparents - How can you spend 2 hrs in the morning AND be home at 530pm to spend the evening with your kid? What type of job allows that - no commute, do you not sleep, and you still make enough money to afford the nanny and outsource every household duty and maintenance?

So, nothing against mom who thinks she does have it all, but I know someone who has a similar setup. She does outwardly appear very balanced and will say all is good, but like many things the closer you are the more cracks you see. Yes, my friend owns her own small business, but it’s a lot of work. She claims to come home early most nights, but in reality there are many nights a week she gets home right as her dd is going to sleep. She’s supposed to have a three day weekend every week, but it’s usually every other week if that. And weekends are kind of a disaster for her. Her 2yo gets confused by lack of routine. Nanny is very strict. Mom is not so much. Yes, she has a great nanny, but mom has admitted nanny is a better caregiver than herself, and she says it so much it I think it really bothers her deep down. (Mom has anxiety and is in therapy) Nanny is bonded to child but mom wants her dd to go to amazing preschool as well, and they are trying to figure how to have both now, and mom told me it really isn’t possible. She also is obsessed with having a perfect family situation. Everything has to be the best way. Her dd has to develop perfectly. (Mom definitely perceives her only child as a reflection of herself. Separate issue I guess.) She will never have another child because she can’t make that work anywhere near as well, which again is fine, but mom talks about it so much I think it really hurts her that her dd can’t have a sibling. Also, her DH makes much less than her. Think blue collar. She’s the breadwinner. It’s a lot. Overwhelming.

There is never anything as a perfect situation. You could write a whole tale about a stay at home mom feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated etc etc. the fact is the above lady that “has it all” has made something work for her? even if it is imperfect. And the bitter poster first starts by using the usual trope of attacking her never being able to spend time with her kids? and when refuted insinuate she must be spending her whole paycheck on it. I am a stay at home mom and applaud this lady for being able to create a situation that works. Same thing kudos to your friend, she seems like a dynamic woman who besides all this is fantastic at keeping things going for herself and her children. It’s better to focus on the positives than the negatives, these women are inspiring. Same to women who choose for their family situations to stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel pretty good about my balance. I have a GS 15 job (attorney/non-supervisory). I do interesting, meaningful work with mostly great colleagues. I am good at my job and recognized as such. I am not as ambitious as I could be (any rise to SES will likely be 5 years out from where it could have been), but I’m happy. I work about 50 hours a week, but 5 of those are totally flexible. I travel only when it’s essential or particularly interesting: 4-5 times/year max for less than a week at a time. I have 2 great young kids and another on the way. I see them from 6:30-8, 6-8:30 and all weekend long. I have a great DH who I love and who works more like 60 hours a week... but shift work, so he can do overnights/work around kid events and schedules. We have a great nanny and typically manage 2 date nights a month. We go away for long weekends and a few solid vacations a year. We’re never going to be billionaires or even millionaires. We have to watch what we spend, but own a house in DC and live comfortably. We’re happy.

GS 14/15 Feds seem to have good balance in general. Decent hours. Decent work. Decent paycheck. Good benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I come close. I am fortunate to have a fantastic nanny who also acts as House Manager; I own my own company; and I have parents who beg to have DD sleep over on Saturday night giving DH and I a date night every week. I outsource everything to have three day weekends devoted only to DD and DH.

So between the nanny and sleepovers when do you see your child?

All day Friday, Friday night, all day Saturday, all day Sunday and Sunday night, every M - Th for at least two hours in the morning and every evening from 5:30 to bedtime at 7:30. And because I outsource cleaning, laundry and cooking, my time with DD is 100% with DD.

When do you see your children?

More than you as I do not foist them on the grandparents, but my children are also allowed to participate in sports activities and have friends, so they certainly do not spend every waking moment with me during the day.

This forum is for parents of children under 4, your under 4 year old has multiple sports activities and play dates without you?

Unless this thread got moved but I never took the General Parenting Discussion to be a forum for those under 4. I took it as a parenting discussion for anyone with children, no matter what their age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel pretty good about my balance. I have a GS 15 job (attorney/non-supervisory). I do interesting, meaningful work with mostly great colleagues. I am good at my job and recognized as such. I am not as ambitious as I could be (any rise to SES will likely be 5 years out from where it could have been), but I’m happy. I work about 50 hours a week, but 5 of those are totally flexible. I travel only when it’s essential or particularly interesting: 4-5 times/year max for less than a week at a time. I have 2 great young kids and another on the way. I see them from 6:30-8, 6-8:30 and all weekend long. I have a great DH who I love and who works more like 60 hours a week... but shift work, so he can do overnights/work around kid events and schedules. We have a great nanny and typically manage 2 date nights a month. We go away for long weekends and a few solid vacations a year. We’re never going to be billionaires or even millionaires. We have to watch what we spend, but own a house in DC and live comfortably. We’re happy.

GS 14/15 Feds seem to have good balance in general. Decent hours. Decent work. Decent paycheck. Good benefits.

I'm a GS 11 and still think I have a nice balance. I wish I got 8 hours of annual leave a payperiod so I could spend more time with kids or have maternity leave, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Gee, I wonder why a professional woman who started her family at 46 found it to be challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid comes before work every time. Will I achieve as much at work as I would have without him, probably not, and honestly, I don't care.

+100 kids are first priority always

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I come close. I am fortunate to have a fantastic nanny who also acts as House Manager; I own my own company; and I have parents who beg to have DD sleep over on Saturday night giving DH and I a date night every week. I outsource everything to have three day weekends devoted only to DD and DH.

It sounds like you did achieve a good balance. In my opinion- it helps to have active and helpful grandparents. You get alone time with your spouse while the child gets to have time with their grandparents which is also very important.