Saying no to an invitation too dance at a MS dance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this entire thread sad, and indicative of why kids are confused nowadays. Extrapolating everything out to the nth degree is what gets us idiots shaming girls for wearing a non-western styled dress for “insensitive cultural appropriation”. You should not make everything a moral equivalent. Teaching kids social graces in a middle school dance is not the same as consenting to an intimate sexual relationship. It just isn’t.

By teaching them that it’s all the same, you are not teaching them how to recognize and navigate complexity. You are teaching them that everything is a Big Deal and no critical thinking is necessary. Just fall back onto stereotypes, view everything in a particular context or single narrative (gender, race, whatever), and scream away whenever a situation doesn’t fall into your particular version of reality.

I’m teaching my kid not to be a mean girl and gang up and giggle on the kid who isn’t the prettiest jock in the school. Unless there is a known history of the other person being a total jerk to you, you always be kind and try something once. So yes, for a MS dance, absent some compelling circumstance, you say yes. My son will be the same message when he hits that age.

What is sad is that you people want to micromanage your kids at dances. My kid can say yes or no to dancing or not with someone. I'm not going to dictate to them what they should be comfortable with. They sonr need 5o apologize for how they feel.

I don't know why you people have the compulsion to control every aspect of your kids thoughts and actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this entire thread sad, and indicative of why kids are confused nowadays. Extrapolating everything out to the nth degree is what gets us idiots shaming girls for wearing a non-western styled dress for “insensitive cultural appropriation”. You should not make everything a moral equivalent. Teaching kids social graces in a middle school dance is not the same as consenting to an intimate sexual relationship. It just isn’t.

By teaching them that it’s all the same, you are not teaching them how to recognize and navigate complexity. You are teaching them that everything is a Big Deal and no critical thinking is necessary. Just fall back onto stereotypes, view everything in a particular context or single narrative (gender, race, whatever), and scream away whenever a situation doesn’t fall into your particular version of reality.

I’m teaching my kid not to be a mean girl and gang up and giggle on the kid who isn’t the prettiest jock in the school. Unless there is a known history of the other person being a total jerk to you, you always be kind and try something once. So yes, for a MS dance, absent some compelling circumstance, you say yes. My son will be the same message when he hits that age.

What is sad is that you people want to micromanage your kids at dances. My kid can say yes or no to dancing or not with someone. I'm not going to dictate to them what they should be comfortable with. They sonr need 5o apologize for how they feel.

I don't know why you people have the compulsion to control every aspect of your kids thoughts and actions.

It’s called teaching kids manners. You had to teach your kids to say please and thank you, you had to teach them to use a fork and knife. This is another new situation, so you have to teach them how to navigate it. It’s called parenting.

[Anonymous]

I worked at a camp and the rule was this: the first time a boy asked you as a girl you said yes. After that if he asked again you could say yes or no. This was in the south and I think it was refreshingly nice and well mannered. Boys knew they wouldn’t get rejected the first time and girls often said the person was nicer than expected even if they didn’t want to dance a second time.

[Anonymous]

Happy to hear that a lot of people are agreeing to what constitutes good manners...yes, you agree to dance with a person for at least one dance. Regardless of if it is a boy or a girl who does the asking.

It has nothing to do with #metoo. Gosh! You go to a dance because it is a social function. There are some rules and etiquettes for these social functions that are based on common sense and courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this entire thread sad, and indicative of why kids are confused nowadays. Extrapolating everything out to the nth degree is what gets us idiots shaming girls for wearing a non-western styled dress for “insensitive cultural appropriation”. You should not make everything a moral equivalent. Teaching kids social graces in a middle school dance is not the same as consenting to an intimate sexual relationship. It just isn’t.

By teaching them that it’s all the same, you are not teaching them how to recognize and navigate complexity. You are teaching them that everything is a Big Deal and no critical thinking is necessary. Just fall back onto stereotypes, view everything in a particular context or single narrative (gender, race, whatever), and scream away whenever a situation doesn’t fall into your particular version of reality.

I’m teaching my kid not to be a mean girl and gang up and giggle on the kid who isn’t the prettiest jock in the school. Unless there is a known history of the other person being a total jerk to you, you always be kind and try something once. So yes, for a MS dance, absent some compelling circumstance, you say yes. My son will be the same message when he hits that age.

OMYGOSH FINALLY a voice of reason here! THANK YOU!
If your child can't politely agree to dance with some kid (boy or girl) who plucks up the courage to ask him/her as everyone is watching (and they DO watch...haven't you guys ever been to middle school before? It's like crossing the Great Divide...the long march to make the ask! ugh!), then maybe they shouldn't go to the dance.
Even at cotillion as a kid, the one big lesson that the ettiquette lady taught the girls AND boys is that you don't decline a dance from someone just because you don't fancy them. You can decline a SECOND dance, but that is after you have already danced once. It's just rude and cruel to say no at a public dance/banquet/whatever when someone asks you to dance. You don't have to like the person...but you don't make a face or decline. And at the end of the dance, you politely say "thank you" and walk away. If he/she asks again, you can say "no, but thank you for asking". (Obviously the "can/can't"s here refer to polite etiquette. In reality, of course you can do whatever you want...but it might be rude.)

THIS IS DANCING ETIQUETTE...not rules for sexual engagement, people. There are societal norms that have nothing to do with the #metoo movement and everything to do with basic decency.

Yep. It seems basic manners has been shoved aside in favor of making damn sure everyone watching knows you DO NOT want to dance with someone. So empowering.

[Anonymous]

I agree OP. I think it is a slippery slope when we teach our daughters or sons they must say yes to be polite. So begins the slow culture indoctrination that women must comply when asked nicely. No, women and men are allowed to politely decline even if the other person asked nicely. I remember some kids in middle school that I would not have enjoyed dancing with, even far apart. Women are not here to be the play things of men or be the ego-boosters of men.

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty feminist, and I have told my 8th grade DD she should say yes to one dance unless something about the boy or the situation makes her. uncomfortable. If she feels uncomfortable, she should listen to that voice inside herself. But that in an ordinary, well chaperoned setting, she should remember how hard it is when to ask someone to get up the nerve to ask her. After one dance, it is fine to politely decline. And that she should always think in that situation about how she would want someone to treat her brother.

If a chaperoned middle school dance is a slippery slope to sex, I don’t want my kid there anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this entire thread sad, and indicative of why kids are confused nowadays. Extrapolating everything out to the nth degree is what gets us idiots shaming girls for wearing a non-western styled dress for “insensitive cultural appropriation”. You should not make everything a moral equivalent. Teaching kids social graces in a middle school dance is not the same as consenting to an intimate sexual relationship. It just isn’t.

By teaching them that it’s all the same, you are not teaching them how to recognize and navigate complexity. You are teaching them that everything is a Big Deal and no critical thinking is necessary. Just fall back onto stereotypes, view everything in a particular context or single narrative (gender, race, whatever), and scream away whenever a situation doesn’t fall into your particular version of reality.

I’m teaching my kid not to be a mean girl and gang up and giggle on the kid who isn’t the prettiest jock in the school. Unless there is a known history of the other person being a total jerk to you, you always be kind and try something once. So yes, for a MS dance, absent some compelling circumstance, you say yes. My son will be the same message when he hits that age.

What is sad is that you people want to micromanage your kids at dances. My kid can say yes or no to dancing or not with someone. I'm not going to dictate to them what they should be comfortable with. They sonr need 5o apologize for how they feel.

I don't know why you people have the compulsion to control every aspect of your kids thoughts and actions.

It’s called teaching kids manners. You had to teach your kids to say please and thank you, you had to teach them to use a fork and knife. This is another new situation, so you have to teach them how to navigate it. It’s called parenting.

Uh, no. I do not need to teach my kid how to navigate a school dance. My boys actually go to cotillion and attend plenty of dances. I do not need to micromanage them saying no (and YES girls do ask, they ask alot) all they need to do is say no in a polite way. That is all.

[Anonymous]

At Cotillion, they teach the kids to always say "yes" because there's no harm in just accepting a dance. It took courage to make the request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this entire thread sad, and indicative of why kids are confused nowadays. Extrapolating everything out to the nth degree is what gets us idiots shaming girls for wearing a non-western styled dress for “insensitive cultural appropriation”. You should not make everything a moral equivalent. Teaching kids social graces in a middle school dance is not the same as consenting to an intimate sexual relationship. It just isn’t.

By teaching them that it’s all the same, you are not teaching them how to recognize and navigate complexity. You are teaching them that everything is a Big Deal and no critical thinking is necessary. Just fall back onto stereotypes, view everything in a particular context or single narrative (gender, race, whatever), and scream away whenever a situation doesn’t fall into your particular version of reality.

I’m teaching my kid not to be a mean girl and gang up and giggle on the kid who isn’t the prettiest jock in the school. Unless there is a known history of the other person being a total jerk to you, you always be kind and try something once. So yes, for a MS dance, absent some compelling circumstance, you say yes. My son will be the same message when he hits that age.

What is sad is that you people want to micromanage your kids at dances. My kid can say yes or no to dancing or not with someone. I'm not going to dictate to them what they should be comfortable with. They sonr need 5o apologize for how they feel.

I don't know why you people have the compulsion to control every aspect of your kids thoughts and actions.

It’s called teaching kids manners. You had to teach your kids to say please and thank you, you had to teach them to use a fork and knife. This is another new situation, so you have to teach them how to navigate it. It’s called parenting.

Uh, no. I do not need to teach my kid how to navigate a school dance. My boys actually go to cotillion and attend plenty of dances. I do not need to micromanage them saying no (and YES girls do ask, they ask alot) all they need to do is say no in a polite way. That is all.

If your boys actually attend cotillion, then they have been taught that you don't decline an invitation to dance - once. If you don't want to dance again after that, it's fine to decline politely. But it's very rude to say no to the first invitation, whether a boy or girl does the asking. At least, this is what is taught at cotillion - where they teach manners. You seem to be teaching your kids something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At Cotillion, they teach the kids to always say "yes" because there's no harm in just accepting a dance. It took courage to make the request.

Exactly.