Saying no to an invitation too dance at a MS dance

[Anonymous]

At dinner the other night with friends, we were talking about the MS dances that our kids have begun attending. Two sets of parents felt that when asked, you should never say no to a request to dance. Whether it is a boy or a girl who asks the other person to dance, they felt that it takes a lot of courage to ask and that it is rude to say no, and that you should always say yes so as to not hurt the other persons feelings. They argued that MS dancing isn't really close (physically) and that you can do it for 3 minutes, 'it's not a big deal'. I am curious what others think.

[Anonymous]

I really, really hope that these weren't women who believe this although I suspect it is. You teach your children to be polite if they are going to reject someone, you don't teach them that they should disregard their feelings because someone else's are more important.

[Anonymous]

Do those same friends think it's impolite to refuse a request for sex? It's a slippery slope and respect means that only you control your body.

[Anonymous]

" I really, really hope that these weren't women who believe this although I suspect it is. You teach your children to be polite if they are going to reject someone, you don't teach them that they should disregard their feelings because someone else's are more important."

Wow, just wow. The second part of this is exactly correct.

The first part, wow. Why did you need to add this?

Who cares who stated the bad idea? And doubly who cares what you suspect...

[Anonymous]

You have to be polite but you don't have to say yes.

My son finally got over a crush when he asked her to dance and she said "no". It wouldn't have been too nice for her to have said "yes" and strung him along, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely disagree. It's totally fine to say no politely. Saying, "Ew, I wouldn't dance with you if you PAID me!" would be a problem. Saying, "No thank you," is completely acceptable.

And it's not that hard to ask someone to dance.

[Anonymous]

"Maybe later" or "maybe another time" is a soft no but it depends on how persistent the asker might be.

Also why aren't girls asking boys to dance?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, people?

[Anonymous]

I agree--you need to be polite, but you don't have to say yes. That said, I would encourage my daughter to say yes, because that's kind of the point of dances. Saying yes doesn't mean you "like" the boy or anything, it can just be being friendly and helping others (and yourself) have fun. That said, if you don't want to, you should say no, politely, and the other person should respect that. You don't owe anyone a dance.

[Anonymous]

Disagree. We need to be sure our kids are very comfortable both saying "no," and taking "no" for an answer.


Parents should help their kids develop some language in advance, so they're ready if someone asks and they want to say no. They should have a polite, let-them-down-easy answer ready, as well as a firmer backup if the point is pressed in an uncomfortable way.

And we should also be talking to kids about what happens if they ask and the other person says no. They need to be able to recover with dignity. What does it mean if the other person turns you down—are they being a total jerk, or a bitch? What would you say to a polite refusal? If the worst happens, and they laugh or roll their eyes, what would you do?


Because let's stop beating around the bush: add four years, substitute "sex" for "dance," and see if your answer would be different. Because your kid is learning how to negotiate lots of sticky situations right now, and the lessons they learn in middle school will be applied to situations of ever-increasing intensity over the next few years. Whether we like it or not!

Teaching kids that nobody *owes* anybody anything will serve both boys and girls well in the future, as will helping them navigate it all with kindness and respect for each other.

[Anonymous]

Look, it's your right to say no whenever you want. That's pretty much a given.

However, I get your friends' point that children it DOES take courage to ask someone to dance and kids should recognize that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" I really, really hope that these weren't women who believe this although I suspect it is. You teach your children to be polite if they are going to reject someone, you don't teach them that they should disregard their feelings because someone else's are more important."

Wow, just wow. The second part of this is exactly correct.

The first part, wow. Why did you need to add this?

Who cares who stated the bad idea? And doubly who cares what you suspect...

I'll tell you why it matters. Because we Women (don't know if you're one) have traditionally been brought up to be more concerned with other people's things than what we want. And I hope that modern women aren't doing that to their daughters. I am shocked you would find that such a difficult concept!

[Anonymous]

Feelings, not things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, it's your right to say no whenever you want. That's pretty much a given.

However, I get your friends' point that children it DOES take courage to ask someone to dance and kids should recognize that too.

I wish it were a given, but the reality is that it's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, it's your right to say no whenever you want. That's pretty much a given.

However, I get your friends' point that children it DOES take courage to ask someone to dance and kids should recognize that too.

THIS, x100.

I, too, agree that everyone has the "right" to say no, at any time, to anything. However, I think at least during middle school, it would be a kindness to simply say yes to an invitation to dance. Those of you trying to equate it to saying yes to sex are being ridiculous. It's just common courtesy to accept an offer to dance, regardless of who's doing the asking. And it does take a tremendous amount of courage at the age of 12 or 13 to ask someone to dance. Accepting doesn't mean anything, other than you're agreeing to a 3 min. dance, as another PP said.

And for those of you who disagree, I encourage you to prepare your own child for rejection and not to whine when he or she comes home mortified that his or her invitation was declined - in front of all of their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I really, really hope that these weren't women who believe this although I suspect it is. You teach your children to be polite if they are going to reject someone, you don't teach them that they should disregard their feelings because someone else's are more important."

Wow, just wow. The second part of this is exactly correct.

The first part, wow. Why did you need to add this?

Who cares who stated the bad idea? And doubly who cares what you suspect...

I'll tell you why it matters. Because we Women (don't know if you're one) have traditionally been brought up to be more concerned with other people's things than what we want. And I hope that modern women aren't doing that to their daughters. I am shocked you would find that such a difficult concept!

DP. I hope you're preparing your daughter for the embarrassment of rejection, should she ever be brave enough to ask a boy to dance, or invite a boy to a school dance. Because obviously, boys should be equally able to say no to someone they don't want to dance with. Right?