How to say "no" to other moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need some help coming up with ready-made "no" answers to favor requests from other moms. I am almost always a wimp and say "yes" to things I really don't want to do. And then kick myself afterward, thinking of all the things I could have said.

I've got a neighborhood mom with a child who goes to my child's preschool. She has asked me multiple times (probably every couple of weeks) for a ride to or from school for her child. In general I have no problem with it, but on the other hand, who wants to wrangle someone else's toddler in addition to their own (plus I have a baby). She has made half-hearted offers of reciprocation, but I am not interested in having my child ride with her (I don't entirely trust her judgment).

Recently, I gave her child a ride home, and the mom was not at home to receive him. I received no phone call or warning. So I am then stuck with neighbor child, and missed an appointment I had scheduled. Mom eventually gets in touch, her salon appointment had gone long. I was furious. She was apologetic, and I was calm cool and collected but clearly not happy. Then she had the nerve to ask me a week later to give her child another ride. And I said yes!

How do I put a stop to this? Just a flat out "no" with no excuse? I am over this woman, and I want to say to her that if it was an emergency (like someone's in the hospital) then call me. Otherwise, figure out your own way to transport your child to school.

Thoughts?

You aren't a grown up. You have children. You have to be a grown up.

We will hold you accountable. Keep coming back here and report on what you have achieved.

Being a grown up means you accept that you will upset other people when you say no to them. You need to be able to say no to people to function in life. Grow up now for your children.

Manipulative people will not hear your no. Do not trust people who ignore your no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll tell you, but I don't think it's going to help you. If you didn't learn from her salon appointment fiasco that you need to JUST SAY NO, then me telling you isn't going to help you.

When you lie down and act like a doormat, guess what? People are going to walk all over you. Go on and paint WELCOME on yourself, if you really can't figure out how to smile and say, "I'm sorry, that's not going to work for me."

and there are too many assh*les who are experts at detecting and taking advantage of people like op.

[Anonymous]

Say you have another family commitment. If they ask what, do not answer. Just repeat that you are unable to - and then Walk away.

[Anonymous]

Just say, no. No I can’t do that is a full sentence, no apologies, no explanation, nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so happy I don't live in the suburbs.

How bizarre. City people ask for help, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this work logistically? I have a preschooler and a baby and I don’t have room in my car for an extra car seat nor do I have an extra car seat sitting around.

So no one has a car bigger than yours? Many (most) people that have two cars and kids have seats for both cars.

OP - she picked you for a reason. Her hair appointment went over? So she scheduled an appointment around the time her kid got out of preschool and then didn't call or text you? She then had the nerve to ask again and you said yes! People like her can smell a doormat like you miles away.

And that many people have room for 3 car seats? I can see owning 2 cars with seats for both -- although actually no one I know does, everyone either has 1 car or if they have 2, switch the seats out. But I don't see many cars around here with room for 3 car seats unless you're talking minivan.

A lot of people have minivans and three row SUVs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so happy I don't live in the suburbs.

What do the suburbs have to do with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I can't today...sorry.

I wish I could help out, but it won't work for us today.

Sorry, Jane...but I'm not able to do that tomorrow.

No, I won't be able to help out this time. Sorry.

So sorry but I can't.

Would love to help, but I won't be able to this time.

There ya go. 6 different versions of the exact same no-excuse response.

And please wait at least 6 hours to respond. Take your time. Next response should be 8 hours and so on. At a minimum, this makes you less convenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so happy I don't live in the suburbs.

What do the suburbs have to do with it?

Apparently there are no doormats or users in the city. Who knew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I can't today...sorry.

I wish I could help out, but it won't work for us today.

Sorry, Jane...but I'm not able to do that tomorrow.

No, I won't be able to help out this time. Sorry.

So sorry but I can't.

Would love to help, but I won't be able to this time.

There ya go. 6 different versions of the exact same no-excuse response.

+1

These are great examples. Pick one that fits your “voice” and practice saying it.

These are TERRIBLE examples because you don't need to be sorry!

[Anonymous]

This article discusses apologizing in the workplace but it is equally as applicable in regular life. Once I became aware of I stopped saying I "just" wanted to ask something or I was sorry for things I didn't need to be sorry about.

https://hbr.org/2023/08/stop-over-apologizing-at-work

[Anonymous]

“Sorry” is the sympathy sorry, not the apologetic sorry.

I think it’s fine to use it.