How to say "no" to other moms

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Thanks for all of the replies. One of the responses hit my feelings exactly. While I know I have the right to (and should) just say no, no explanation needed, it's awkward in the moment, especially when it's such seemingly small thing to drive the neighbor's child, when it's not out of my way at all. I do have concerns about navigating the parking lot, but I'm very careful.

It's easy to give an excuse as to why my answer is "no" for a particular ask, but I fear that giving an excuse rather than just saying "no, I don't want to do it, however, I will do it in an emergency situation) just encourages future asks.

Thank you for reconfirming that this person is using me and is inconsiderate and that I owe her nothing.

And as far as the question about how I'm physically able to get the additional child in my car, we have an extra carseat and a mini van. Maybe to my detriment!!!

[Anonymous]

Say NO. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked her if she could ride with you or if you could alternate days and you'll ride with her as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say you need to go to the grocery store, pick up dry cleaning, return Library books, go to the post office, pick up a prescription, etc. Then say you can’t safely buckle and unbuckle and get 3 kids across parking lots.

OP, please don't do this. The other mom won't care if you have a bunch of errands to run.

[Anonymous]

Even when you know exactly what you SHOULD and want to say, it can be really hard to do in the moment when your first inclination is to be helpful.

That said, the fact that she abused the favor and then asked again really does fully reveal the nature of the person asking. And that does not deserve loyalty or repeat favors.

Had you asked a favor of someone like this would you ever have behaved the same way? I'm sure the answer is no.

So practice the no response. Practice a few variations so that you have options, and so that even a less firm no is still a no. Become comfortable saying all of them in the abstract and it's much more likely that one of them will come out in the moment:

No, I can't.
No, I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore.
No Jane. The time you stranded me with Jack I missed appointments and it was a major imposition so I can't say yes anymore.
I'm so sorry, but I can't do this again.
I'm really sorry but my afternoons are filling up and I just can't.
Oh, I'd love to but unfortunately just can't. I'm totally overscheduled and it's really becoming a problem so I have to start saying no.

That way you have a wide range, but they're all still no. You can even start with one and add on a few more if she's relentless.

Sorry she took advantage of you this way OP.

[Anonymous]

I recently told someone “sorry, I can’t drive your kid to karate after school every Tuesday because my mom is in her mid 70s and I need to be around for her whenever I have a spare second. She is older, needs me. “

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best is to reply "Aww, no thanks!" very cheerily as if you're declining an offer of help. Confuses them just long enough for you to RUN!

Be that weird if you never want to speak to the woman. Otherwise stick with “I’m sorry, but I can’t give Larlo a ride.”

If she declines, that woman is going to hate her anywY and people obably bad mouth her. So she might as well be weird .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best is to reply "Aww, no thanks!" very cheerily as if you're declining an offer of help. Confuses them just long enough for you to RUN!

Be that weird if you never want to speak to the woman. Otherwise stick with “I’m sorry, but I can’t give Larlo a ride.”

If she declines, that woman is going to hate her anywY and people obably bad mouth her. So she might as well be weird .

+1

Valid point here.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I can't today...sorry.

I wish I could help out, but it won't work for us today.

Sorry, Jane...but I'm not able to do that tomorrow.

No, I won't be able to help out this time. Sorry.

So sorry but I can't.

Would love to help, but I won't be able to this time.

There ya go. 6 different versions of the exact same no-excuse response.

[Anonymous]

You need to channel your inner anger. Who does she think she is, acting like you are her personal assistant! It is disrespectful to 'forget' to pick up her child on time because she is on a hair appointment??!! She thinks her time is more valuable than your time, and you are a doormat that she can take advantage of.
Now it's easy to say no, right?

[Anonymous]

I dont fell comfortable. you could be extra aggressive and mention how you wat to avoid liability due to her negligence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I can't today...sorry.

I wish I could help out, but it won't work for us today.

Sorry, Jane...but I'm not able to do that tomorrow.

No, I won't be able to help out this time. Sorry.

So sorry but I can't.

Would love to help, but I won't be able to this time.

There ya go. 6 different versions of the exact same no-excuse response.

+1

These are great examples. Pick one that fits your “voice” and practice saying it.

[Anonymous]

The way I handle this type of request is I try to give them another idea to solve the problem. “Sorry, I can’t, but at our daycare they’ll let you stay late if you pay $20. Call yours and ask if they can do late pickup.”

By offering an idea it kind of takes the awkwardness out of the “no” part. Try it!

If anyone is pushy past the initial “no” then they are being rude and you can be firmer. But if you’re not comfortable you can say, “sorry, it sounds like you’re in a pinch. But I really can’t.” You just don’t owe information beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Dude, just say, “No, I can’t. Sorry!” Repeat every time. If she asks why, say you’re going somewhere straight from school (YOUR HOME!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, just say, “No, I can’t. Sorry!” Repeat every time. If she asks why, say you’re going somewhere straight from school (YOUR HOME!).

+1

After a few times, she will probably get the hint & stop asking.