Adopting a baby when your religion is different from most birth mothers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am a Jewish adoptive mother with a Jewish husband. We adopted internationally, so no birth mother "chose" us. Our child is being raised Jewish (and did a mikvah conversion as a baby) and identifies as Jewish. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I don't know that with any of my kids.

Op here. What country did you adopt from? How did you decide on international vs. Domestic?

We adopted from China. For some reason I was just drawn to international adoption. I didn't even really consider domestic, although we did look into several different countries before we went with China.

I'm not an adoptive parent, although I once considered it seriously before having an unexpected pregnancy. International adoption seems SO much easier, IMHO. Parents who adopt internationally don't have to deal with the caprices of birth mothers. There was something about our family that made me believe we would not go to the top of the list of a birthmother, so I knew that international adoption would be much simpler for us.

True, but you will not get an infant if you adopt internationally. And the children may have a range of special needs.

This is also true for giving birth and domestic. My child has SN. Most of the kids I know through therapies and school were not adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know many Jewish families who have adopted internationally. You would need to be comfortable adopting transracially though, and you seem to already have trouble with the interfaith part. So that may not e the best option for you.
You may need to think about how much of the issue is birthfamilies not wanting their child to be raised Jewish vs you not being comfortable raising a child who was not born Jewish.

This. I'd also point out that children who are raised Jewish, but who are not born Jewish, and later leave may be reacting to being treated differently by their parents and others in the community because they weren't born Jewish. It's hard to say what the contributing factors are, but if you adopt will not only you but your religious community accept that child, without distinction (once there's a mikvah, anyway)?

???? What the heck are you talking about?? If a kid isn’t Jewish, he or she will go through a conversion to Judaism. It happens all the time. And you obviously don’t know this but Jews are required to treat converts even better than those who were born Jewish. Yes. Just the opposite of what you have said.

Yeah, I do know that, but just because that's a tenet doesn't mean that people will observe it. As someone who had former boyfriend's parent tell me they didn't want their son to marry me because then their grandchildren wouldn't REALLY be Jewish, if you think no one in Judaism cares about whether a child in their family or community was born Jewish or converted, you're the one that doesn't know what you're talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a Jewish adoptive mother with a Jewish husband. We adopted internationally, so no birth mother "chose" us. Our child is being raised Jewish (and did a mikvah conversion as a baby) and identifies as Jewish. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I don't know that with any of my kids.

Op here. What country did you adopt from? How did you decide on international vs. Domestic?

We adopted from China. For some reason I was just drawn to international adoption. I didn't even really consider domestic, although we did look into several different countries before we went with China.

I'm not an adoptive parent, although I once considered it seriously before having an unexpected pregnancy. International adoption seems SO much easier, IMHO. Parents who adopt internationally don't have to deal with the caprices of birth mothers. There was something about our family that made me believe we would not go to the top of the list of a birthmother, so I knew that international adoption would be much simpler for us.

True, but you will not get an infant if you adopt internationally. And the children may have a range of special needs.

This is also true for giving birth and domestic. My child has SN. Most of the kids I know through therapies and school were not adopted. [/quote

The number of children that are adopted make up a much smaller percentage of the population so of course you will know far less of them.

[Anonymous]

If this helps at all, no one is born Christian. One is raised Christian and likely baptized at some point.

That said, while we aren’t Jewish, we have friends, coworkers, and extended family members who are and many have adoptees in their immediate families. Some were international, but also some domestic transracial or open adoptions. Of all of those, I only know two in which the children left Judaism. One did convert back to the faith he was baptized in as an infant. The other converted to a third religion in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this helps at all, no one is born Christian. One is raised Christian and likely baptized at some point.

That said, while we aren’t Jewish, we have friends, coworkers, and extended family members who are and many have adoptees in their immediate families. Some were international, but also some domestic transracial or open adoptions. Of all of those, I only know two in which the children left Judaism. One did convert back to the faith he was baptized in as an infant. The other converted to a third religion in college.

Irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this helps at all, no one is born Christian. One is raised Christian and likely baptized at some point.

That said, while we aren’t Jewish, we have friends, coworkers, and extended family members who are and many have adoptees in their immediate families. Some were international, but also some domestic transracial or open adoptions. Of all of those, I only know two in which the children left Judaism. One did convert back to the faith he was baptized in as an infant. The other converted to a third religion in college.

Irrelevant.

How is it irrelevant when OP talks about someone being “born Catholic”? She misunderstands Christianity even as she worries birth moms might misunderstand Judaism.

Technically, all babies are born non-Catholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a married couple with one child who would like to adopt our second (due to secondary infertility we cannot have a second).

However, one of my concerns is religion. We are Jewish, observant, and very involved in the Jewish community (members of a synagogue, child goes to Hebrew and Sunday school), etc. Most of our friends/community are Jewish too. So religion is a big part of our lives.

Most birth mothers may be unfamiliar with Judaism. My concern are: a) that we will not be chosen by a birth mother because they are unfamiliar with Judaism/don't want their child raised Jewish, and b) if we are matched, I am concerned about the concept that we are raising a child in the Jewish religion who was born into a different religion. What if this child later resents us for raising her Jewish when she was born Catholic, etc.? He/she is of course free to practice whatever religion he/she wants when she turns 18 but I worry that there will be a resentment issue.

There is basically no intermarriage in either DH or my families, so this is completely uncharted territory for us, and we have a lot of anxieties about the religion aspect.

Any thoughts about this?

NP I think you’re inviting a resentment issue even if you find a child who was born into a Jewish family. Kids should be free to choose their own religion and decide what they believe at ANY age. You can of course drag a small child along with you to different religious events when they’re younger, since the whole family is going and they’re too young to stay home, but by the age of 12 or whatever is legal in your area then your kid should be free to decline these religious events if they decide they don’t believe that and/or aren’t interested. That should be the case even for kids you give birth to. It’s one of the founding principles of this country.

If you change that hard line thinking, you may find it easier to be accepted by non-Jewish or even non-religious birth parents.

[Anonymous]

We adopted domestically and our profile included pictures that showed I am Jewish. DH is not. The southern birthmom did not really care because there were other things she focused on. We are who we are and that is what we presented. Frankly, I think that if you are going to adopt, you need to grapple with how you feel about adopting a baby that does not come from Jewish birthparents because it sounds like that imay be an issue for you. I think that to enter the adoption world, you need a certain openness that perhaps parents of biological children do not really have to grapple with until much later in their child’s life. You need to think long and hard about your own capacity to accept differences that will include bloodline differences. Not everyone has it in them to make the adoption journey and that is okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did call the organization someone linked to above. They told me that since they only do adoptions through foster care and since they are located in Florida that only adoptive couples in Florida are eligible to work withbthem. We are not in florida. Does anyone know any other agencies?

Have you considered egg donation or embryo donation? You are more likely to find Jewish donors than Jewish birthmothers.

Op here. We would need to use a gestational surrogate plus donor egg since my uteus is the problem. I have implantation problems. We cannot afford donor egg plus gestational surrogate that would be over 100K. I have dine 5 ivfs and have no more embryos so we would need a donor egg but like I mentioned we can't afford a surrogate. So adoption is our only option to build our family but I'm concerned about the religion aspect.

What about international adoption? I knew several Jewish families who adopted from Ukraine 10+ years ago.

[Anonymous]

It is now almost impossible for foreigners to adopt children younger than 5 from Ukraine.

[Anonymous]

We are in MA and our friends adopted through this agency:

https://www.jfcsboston.org/Our-Services/Center-for-Early-Relationship-Support/Adoption-Resources

Might be worth calling just to see if they have any resources down in DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know many Jewish families who have adopted internationally. You would need to be comfortable adopting transracially though, and you seem to already have trouble with the interfaith part. So that may not e the best option for you.
You may need to think about how much of the issue is birthfamilies not wanting their child to be raised Jewish vs you not being comfortable raising a child who was not born Jewish.

This. I'd also point out that children who are raised Jewish, but who are not born Jewish, and later leave may be reacting to being treated differently by their parents and others in the community because they weren't born Jewish. It's hard to say what the contributing factors are, but if you adopt will not only you but your religious community accept that child, without distinction (once there's a mikvah, anyway)?

???? What the heck are you talking about?? If a kid isn’t Jewish, he or she will go through a conversion to Judaism. It happens all the time. And you obviously don’t know this but Jews are required to treat converts even better than those who were born Jewish. Yes. Just the opposite of what you have said.

Yeah, I do know that, but just because that's a tenet doesn't mean that people will observe it. As someone who had former boyfriend's parent tell me they didn't want their son to marry me because then their grandchildren wouldn't REALLY be Jewish, if you think no one in Judaism cares about whether a child in their family or community was born Jewish or converted, you're the one that doesn't know what you're talking about.

I am sorry and it is a difficult thing to say without being accused of being anti Semitic. It has less to do with birth families being anti Semitic and more to do with birth families worrying about the child not being accepted into the Jewish community. Many of us Gentiles have had experiences with Jewish people being clannish and exclusionary. The Jewish faith IS different from Christian traditions where mere conversion and acceptance of Jesus gives you a full membership to the club. Because Judaism is also a racially/tribally based community, converts are not considered real Jews by many in the community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know many Jewish families who have adopted internationally. You would need to be comfortable adopting transracially though, and you seem to already have trouble with the interfaith part. So that may not e the best option for you.
You may need to think about how much of the issue is birthfamilies not wanting their child to be raised Jewish vs you not being comfortable raising a child who was not born Jewish.

This. I'd also point out that children who are raised Jewish, but who are not born Jewish, and later leave may be reacting to being treated differently by their parents and others in the community because they weren't born Jewish. It's hard to say what the contributing factors are, but if you adopt will not only you but your religious community accept that child, without distinction (once there's a mikvah, anyway)?

???? What the heck are you talking about?? If a kid isn’t Jewish, he or she will go through a conversion to Judaism. It happens all the time. And you obviously don’t know this but Jews are required to treat converts even better than those who were born Jewish. Yes. Just the opposite of what you have said.

Yeah, I do know that, but just because that's a tenet doesn't mean that people will observe it. As someone who had former boyfriend's parent tell me they didn't want their son to marry me because then their grandchildren wouldn't REALLY be Jewish, if you think no one in Judaism cares about whether a child in their family or community was born Jewish or converted, you're the one that doesn't know what you're talking about.

I am sorry and it is a difficult thing to say without being accused of being anti Semitic. It has less to do with birth families being anti Semitic and more to do with birth families worrying about the child not being accepted into the Jewish community. Many of us Gentiles have had experiences with Jewish people being clannish and exclusionary. The Jewish faith IS different from Christian traditions where mere conversion and acceptance of Jesus gives you a full membership to the club. Because Judaism is also a racially/tribally based community, converts are not considered real Jews by many in the community.

You are full of crap on so many levels, dude. I was raised Catholic in the Rural South and you can be darn sure I met "Christians" who were super clannish and exclusionary. (Also Klan-ish but that's another story). I accepted Jesus for sure in my mind but according to them I wasn't Christian and I was going to Hell. Good times. Most Jewish people I have known are super chill. Maybe Orthodox people stick to themselves like the Amish but most secular or Reformed Jewish people are just normal and accepting.

[Anonymous]

+1 on full of crap. Some of the people I know who are most involved in the Jewish community where I live are converts. I'm sure there are "clannish and exclusionary" Jews as there are clannish and exclusionary people everywhere -- but they're far from the norm.

[Anonymous]

I was adopted into a Jewish family. To this day, I am not considered Jewish by observant Jewish communities . Interestingly enough, I know other adoptees for whom this was never an issue. For the most part, they really don't discuss it. It was kept in the family and maybe their friends growing up. There is nothing about their appearance that challenges it. For me, I do not appear to be Jewish in the way that people expect, so it is a thing.