Adopting a baby when your religion is different from most birth mothers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was adopted into a Jewish family. To this day, I am not considered Jewish by observant Jewish communities . Interestingly enough, I know other adoptees for whom this was never an issue. For the most part, they really don't discuss it. It was kept in the family and maybe their friends growing up. There is nothing about their appearance that challenges it. For me, I do not appear to be Jewish in the way that people expect, so it is a thing.

OP here. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am wondering if you feel connected to the Jewish community now as an adult and do you consider yourself Jewish? Did you ever feel resentful about being adopted into a Jewish family? My fear is that we would adopt a child, raise them Jewish, and they would feel different or that they didn't belong and become resentful of that and decide as an adult to completely distance themselves from us, the Jewish community or the Jewish faith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was adopted into a Jewish family. To this day, I am not considered Jewish by observant Jewish communities . Interestingly enough, I know other adoptees for whom this was never an issue. For the most part, they really don't discuss it. It was kept in the family and maybe their friends growing up. There is nothing about their appearance that challenges it. For me, I do not appear to be Jewish in the way that people expect, so it is a thing.

OP here. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am wondering if you feel connected to the Jewish community now as an adult and do you consider yourself Jewish? Did you ever feel resentful about being adopted into a Jewish family? My fear is that we would adopt a child, raise them Jewish, and they would feel different or that they didn't belong and become resentful of that and decide as an adult to completely distance themselves from us, the Jewish community or the Jewish faith.

I consider myself to be Jewish, and so do my kids.
However, I do have to say that I am not religious at all. I was always a questioning person, so I think this is me. What I would say to others adopting children out of the ethnicity is that the children actually cannot become something you want because of paperwork. Who they are should be respected and it is OK to encourage the practice of the religion, but it is not a great idea to alter their idea of who they are if they ask about who they are, or even if they do not! Instead of accepting my appearance (Nordic/Irish) it was explained away, glossed over, and excuses were made so that it would never come up as an issue- and I really think my parents were doing that for me as well as them- it wasn't nefarious. I remember wishing that I was Black or Asian because it would be obvious as to what happened and there wouldn't be so much of the elephant in the room that was never acknowledged. Also, one last thing- in many ethnic families, there is kind of an us vs.them paradigm as a way to create a strong cultural identity. When I realized that I was actually a "them" as a tweenager, it was a powerful, weird, and uncomfortable feeling. I was "goyim", probably, and it was hard to reconcile the reality with all the ridiculous narratives that I was exposed to from the only culture I had known and understood.
Remember, it is a new generation with many new understandings and ideas, so I am sure there will be few, if any, issues in your family with regard to identity. Much future mazel.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of adoption within the Jewish community - even the Orthodox community because of declining fertility (Jewish women get married later and have children later because of education/work). Having taught Hebrew school at many congregations, kids seems fully integrated (and anecdotally seemed more engaged/tried harder in class). In Israel there is also a lot of adoption, so the face of Judaism is changing, even in less Ashkenormative environments. I am sure you wouldn't want to be a member of congregation where racists and/or bigots would give your kid a hard time for being converted, anyway. If this is how your family is go forward - go forward with your whole heart, or not at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of adoption within the Jewish community - even the Orthodox community because of declining fertility (Jewish women get married later and have children later because of education/work). Having taught Hebrew school at many congregations, kids seems fully integrated (and anecdotally seemed more engaged/tried harder in class). In Israel there is also a lot of adoption, so the face of Judaism is changing, even in less Ashkenormative environments. I am sure you wouldn't want to be a member of congregation where racists and/or bigots would give your kid a hard time for being converted, anyway. If this is how your family is go forward - go forward with your whole heart, or not at all.

Much, much more complicated in the Orthodox community.

[Anonymous]

My husband was adopted through JSSA
https://www.jssa.org/get-help/adults-couples-and-parents/adoption-services/

[Anonymous]

There is an organization called in Shifra arms that is helping Jewish women in difficul pregnancy. Maybe they know some Jewish women that are looking for adoptive Jewish parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was adopted through JSSA
https://www.jssa.org/get-help/adults-couples-and-parents/adoption-services/

JSSA doesn't do direct placements. They do home studies and post placement support.