Adopting a baby when your religion is different from most birth mothers

[Anonymous]

We are a married couple with one child who would like to adopt our second (due to secondary infertility we cannot have a second).

However, one of my concerns is religion. We are Jewish, observant, and very involved in the Jewish community (members of a synagogue, child goes to Hebrew and Sunday school), etc. Most of our friends/community are Jewish too. So religion is a big part of our lives.

Most birth mothers may be unfamiliar with Judaism. My concern are: a) that we will not be chosen by a birth mother because they are unfamiliar with Judaism/don't want their child raised Jewish, and b) if we are matched, I am concerned about the concept that we are raising a child in the Jewish religion who was born into a different religion. What if this child later resents us for raising her Jewish when she was born Catholic, etc.? He/she is of course free to practice whatever religion he/she wants when she turns 18 but I worry that there will be a resentment issue.

There is basically no intermarriage in either DH or my families, so this is completely uncharted territory for us, and we have a lot of anxieties about the religion aspect.

Any thoughts about this?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Also wanted to add that DH's sister is adopted. She is unfortunately estranged from the family and does not consider herself Jewish anymore (even though she had a Bat Mitzvah, etc.) She married a non-Jewish man and raises her kids Catholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that DH's sister is adopted. She is unfortunately estranged from the family and does not consider herself Jewish anymore (even though she had a Bat Mitzvah, etc.) She married a non-Jewish man and raises her kids Catholic.

It's unlikely your SIL turned away from Judaism because she was adopted. Her estrangement probably has more to do with more personal issues with her immediate family members. If they laid on a pile of guilt and judgement because she dated and married outside her faith, I can understand the estrangement. I don't think many birth mothers are going to look down upon Judaism the way you think. If they cared about faith, they would work with a faith-based adoption organization. However, if you belong to a conservative or orthodox congregation, your rabbi may request a formal conversion for the baby if the birth mother isn't Jewish. I have seen this happen before.

[Anonymous]

My family is Jewish as well. My grandparents had one biological child(my dad) and then adopted a child, my aunt, who is not estranged from our family, but did marry an evangelical Christian and converted herself.

[Anonymous]

Op you need to just be yourself, Not all birth mothers choose the families. Ours didnt. She said she didnt feel she could, so the agency chose us and then told her about us and showed her our photo album. She was happy with the agencies decision.
Here is the thing, she is AA and DD is AA, we are a white 2 mom family. She said she identifies with being Muslim, I go to Church ( DW does not) and I take DD.

The thing she said she likes about us was that we travel, she never got to go anywhere as a child so wanted her child to be able to see things she didnt and be exposed to new places.

So just be yourself, you never know what a birth Mom is looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is Jewish as well. My grandparents had one biological child(my dad) and then adopted a child, my aunt, who is not estranged from our family, but did marry an evangelical Christian and converted herself.

Thanks for sharing. How did your Grandparents feel about their daughter converting to Christianity? I'm sure that was very difficult for them. Did she have a strong Jewish identity growing up?

[Anonymous]

This may be a topic where your rabbi or other religious leader who you trust can be a better resource than DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family is Jewish as well. My grandparents had one biological child(my dad) and then adopted a child, my aunt, who is not estranged from our family, but did marry an evangelical Christian and converted herself.

Thanks for sharing. How did your Grandparents feel about their daughter converting to Christianity? I'm sure that was very difficult for them. Did she have a strong Jewish identity growing up?

How was it difficult for them? In Judaism bloodlines matter. She was not born jewish and the grandparents knew it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family is Jewish as well. My grandparents had one biological child(my dad) and then adopted a child, my aunt, who is not estranged from our family, but did marry an evangelical Christian and converted herself.

Thanks for sharing. How did your Grandparents feel about their daughter converting to Christianity? I'm sure that was very difficult for them. Did she have a strong Jewish identity growing up?

I’m not sure how my grandparents felt about it, but they always supported their daughter of course. I do want to add that although she is Christian she does attend our Jewish celebrations for Passover etc. I think she probably knew that she wasn’t born Jewish and perhaps was curious about her background.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting. Would you feel any obligation to help your adopted child connect with his or her religious heritage in the same way you would if adopting a child from another country or another racial background?

[Anonymous]

Why do you assume ignorance? Why do you think most birth mothers wouldn’t be familiar with Judaism? That actually seems ignorant on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you assume ignorance? Why do you think most birth mothers wouldn’t be familiar with Judaism? That actually seems ignorant on your part.

In our experience it was true. We did private adoption and would get calls from potential birth mom's looking for a good Christian family. Down south and other areas are not very open to other religions. In some cases, it does make adoption harder.

[Anonymous]

It depends. I know a family where the mom was raised in foster care, and the foster family she felt most connected to was Jewish. She never formally converted, but she gave her child a Jewish name and I'm sure if she needed to place a child for adoption, Judaism would be a plus for an adoptive family.

All you can do is be who you are. There are any number of reasons a woman might choose you or not. There are any number of reasons a child you adopt might feel any sort of way about you in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why do you assume ignorance? Why do you think most birth mothers wouldn’t be familiar with Judaism? That actually seems ignorant on your part.


In our experience it was true. We did private adoption and would get calls from potential birth mom's looking for a good Christian family. Down south and other areas are not very open to other religions. In some cases, it does make adoption harder.

This. Many women are pro-life either because of being devout Catholics or evangelical Christians. So those groups of birth mothers are going to skew towards wanting Christian adoptive parents. Our adoption agency (from deep south) even had qualms with my DH being Catholic (I'm protestant).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why do you assume ignorance? Why do you think most birth mothers wouldn’t be familiar with Judaism? That actually seems ignorant on your part.


In our experience it was true. We did private adoption and would get calls from potential birth mom's looking for a good Christian family. Down south and other areas are not very open to other religions. In some cases, it does make adoption harder.

This. Many women are pro-life either because of being devout Catholics or evangelical Christians. So those groups of birth mothers are going to skew towards wanting Christian adoptive parents. Our adoption agency (from deep south) even had qualms with my DH being Catholic (I'm protestant).

I calles several of those agencies and none would consider us as I am Jewish.