6th grader refusing to go to school- help!!

[Anonymous]

Op the reality is while you mean well there is absolutely nothing you can do in this situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something tells me she's not a great mom after all. You've got your head in the sand if you beleive she is. Most of these issues co e from parenting. Sorry.

Well, yeah... when a kid sees a sibling abused by their father and can't do anything, issues are bound to happen.

So how is it that he’s better when the Dad isn’t around but falls apart when he is? Oh, that would be because she is a great Mom. Imagine sending your kid every other week to his abuser’s house. Imagine how traumatic it is to know that the son you love with you entire soul is being fed to the wolves and you can’t do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something tells me she's not a great mom after all. You've got your head in the sand if you beleive she is. Most of these issues co e from parenting. Sorry.

Well, yeah... when a kid sees a sibling abused by their father and can't do anything, issues are bound to happen.

So how is it that he’s better when the Dad isn’t around but falls apart when he is? Oh, that would be because she is a great Mom. Imagine sending your kid every other week to his abuser’s house. Imagine how traumatic it is to know that the son you love with you entire soul is being fed to the wolves and you can’t do anything about it.

+1

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the kid has A LOT OF TRAUMA: divorce plus abuse plus whatever else is going on at school.

One factor in school refusal is problems in attachment, which often occur around divorce or adoption. Essentially, school is a situation which triggers all of the student's negative emotions around being at the mercy of adults. Kids act out (by refusing school, hw, specific classes) in a misguided effort to create a sense of control for themselves.

The first thing to say: recovery from this dynamic will be a long-term process, on the order of years. The goal should be to get this kid through HS or a GED, not to get him back into 6th grade right now.

In-patient, IOP, or PHP might help to give the whole family time to get a handle on the issues and craft a treatment plan.

A new school situation can help, if it is one that works on building relationships between student and teacher. The Fusion one-on-one model is one approach; other small "alternative" settings (e.g. Parkmont) could work as well.

Getting a good therapeutic relationship--one that is focused on the trauma--is essential. The social worker sounds like he/she is working from an old-school carrots and sticks approach, which may have its place in a treatment plan, but (to my mind) not at the outset--unless the intention is to create a reset of privileges so that the kid can earn things back through compliance with school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm no expert, but I'd focus on his recovering from the trauma way before I'd worry about him missing school. Taking away all his stuff just seems cruel.

I agree. Are they trying anything non-punitive?

Is he really able to go to school right now?

We worked with ours by telling him he had to GO. Period. Go into the school. If he couldn't stay he could come home. He could come home at any point. Obviously I was a SAHM.

His mental health was more important than education at that point.

She’s been trying non-punitive things for years. Has been trying this because nothing else has worked. She is doing this under the guidance of experts.

Everyone on here seems to think he’s going to recover from the trauma in a few weeks if he (went to in patient) or (was seeing a psychiatrist) or (mom wasn’t being punative). The kid has been in thereapy for years (at least since 4 or 5). He still has to regularly be with his dad. Who may not be hitting him, but probably is emotionally abusing him. And the courts will NOT reduce or eliminate visitation. His trauma will not be “cured” because is still in contact (and very much loves) his abuser.

I’m trying to help my very overwhelmed friend find more resources to help her.

I'm the PP you quoted. Guess what?

Our son was depressed, anxious and suicidal. In grade 6. We also worked with experts. Counselor, psychologist and psychiatrist.

You are on the outside looking in. My advice is from someone who has lived it.

Is Mom focused on school or are you? Are you saying a child in this state is NOT seeing a psychiatrist? Do you even know?

Trauma is never cured.

School is not the biggest issue here. At all.

You've been given some resources to pass along. I hope Mom will get this child into someone beyond a counselor.

One other thing to suggest you can also bitch about:

Have trained professionals, beyond a counselor, outline the danger to this child's mental health to the courts. Perhaps a cessation in visits is needed to see if it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm no expert, but I'd focus on his recovering from the trauma way before I'd worry about him missing school. Taking away all his stuff just seems cruel.

I agree. Are they trying anything non-punitive?

Is he really able to go to school right now?

We worked with ours by telling him he had to GO. Period. Go into the school. If he couldn't stay he could come home. He could come home at any point. Obviously I was a SAHM.

His mental health was more important than education at that point.

She’s been trying non-punitive things for years. Has been trying this because nothing else has worked. She is doing this under the guidance of experts.

Everyone on here seems to think he’s going to recover from the trauma in a few weeks if he (went to in patient) or (was seeing a psychiatrist) or (mom wasn’t being punative). The kid has been in thereapy for years (at least since 4 or 5). He still has to regularly be with his dad. Who may not be hitting him, but probably is emotionally abusing him. And the courts will NOT reduce or eliminate visitation. His trauma will not be “cured” because is still in contact (and very much loves) his abuser.

I’m trying to help my very overwhelmed friend find more resources to help her.

I'm the PP you quoted. Guess what?

Our son was depressed, anxious and suicidal. In grade 6. We also worked with experts. Counselor, psychologist and psychiatrist.

You are on the outside looking in. My advice is from someone who has lived it.

Is Mom focused on school or are you? Are you saying a child in this state is NOT seeing a psychiatrist? Do you even know?

Trauma is never cured.

School is not the biggest issue here. At all.

You've been given some resources to pass along. I hope Mom will get this child into someone beyond a counselor.

One other thing to suggest you can also bitch about:

Have trained professionals, beyond a counselor, outline the danger to this child's mental health to the courts. Perhaps a cessation in visits is needed to see if it helps.

Adding: No, the courts won't act on her assessment. Unless he's seen either a psychologist or psychologist, and that in depth assessment has been presented to the court with recommendations, nobody knows what the judge will do.

[Anonymous]

*psychologist or psychiatrist *

[Anonymous]

Kazdin Method. Stop the punishment. Read chapter on kickstarting behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm no expert, but I'd focus on his recovering from the trauma way before I'd worry about him missing school. Taking away all his stuff just seems cruel.

I agree. Are they trying anything non-punitive?

Is he really able to go to school right now?

We worked with ours by telling him he had to GO. Period. Go into the school. If he couldn't stay he could come home. He could come home at any point. Obviously I was a SAHM.

His mental health was more important than education at that point.

She’s been trying non-punitive things for years. Has been trying this because nothing else has worked. She is doing this under the guidance of experts.

Everyone on here seems to think he’s going to recover from the trauma in a few weeks if he (went to in patient) or (was seeing a psychiatrist) or (mom wasn’t being punative). The kid has been in thereapy for years (at least since 4 or 5). He still has to regularly be with his dad. Who may not be hitting him, but probably is emotionally abusing him. And the courts will NOT reduce or eliminate visitation. His trauma will not be “cured” because is still in contact (and very much loves) his abuser.

I’m trying to help my very overwhelmed friend find more resources to help her.

I'm the PP you quoted. Guess what?

Our son was depressed, anxious and suicidal. In grade 6. We also worked with experts. Counselor, psychologist and psychiatrist.

You are on the outside looking in. My advice is from someone who has lived it.

Is Mom focused on school or are you? Are you saying a child in this state is NOT seeing a psychiatrist? Do you even know?

Trauma is never cured.

School is not the biggest issue here. At all.

You've been given some resources to pass along. I hope Mom will get this child into someone beyond a counselor.

One other thing to suggest you can also bitch about:

Have trained professionals, beyond a counselor, outline the danger to this child's mental health to the courts. Perhaps a cessation in visits is needed to see if it helps.

Adding: No, the courts won't act on her assessment. Unless he's seen either a psychologist or psychologist, and that in depth assessment has been presented to the court with recommendations, nobody knows what the judge will do.

Psychologist did testify. She was able to change things so there aren’t as many transitions. But not able to reduce overall visitation. Son is reluctant to say anything negative to mom or psychologist about Dad. So can’t document emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any insight into the larger problem, but would suggest you try to really find out what it is about school that is objectionable. If it's a couple of teachers, or a couple of students, or something tangible like that you may be able to work with the school to make things more palatable. Doesn't take care of the bigger issue, but might take some immediate stressors off his plate.