Invite (step)dd's mom? cancel trip?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, it's hard, isn't it?

I would counsel you to invite the stepmom too, but perhaps she doesn't want to join you.

Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I thought I would post an update. Last night I called DD's mom and explained how sorry we were to bring it up in front of her but we hadn't assumed it would be an issue and how much of an oversight that was. I also invited her to "shadow" us and we could all make a vacation out of it. She really reacted positively to that idea and said that sounds like a win/win and we hung up on good terms. She then texted me this morning explaining how that was a really nice offer but work wise its not a good time of year for her to take off. She said that she appreciates the gesture and will most likely let DD come with us after we work a few details out (mainly referring to a certain equestrian camp/ working out dates.). So Im thinking this is heading towards a positive direction. I love being a step mom but there is no handbook and there are a lot of muddy waters. I really just try and do my best and not offend anyone. Its hard because I also want my kids to have various experiences and it seems keeping everything equal is a must but thats not something I can always control. Thanks for all the responses.

That's awesome. Having her tag along sounds terrible, frankly, but you made the gesture, and her mom is coming around to a situation she likely would have agreed to had she been approached respectfully first.

Breathe a sigh of relief, and you and DH don't screw up like this again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have someone care for the 3 and 4 year old at home, and then go on a romantic 12 day Italian vacation alone with my husband. NO KIDS. Problem solved.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have someone care for the 3 and 4 year old at home, and then go on a romantic 12 day Italian vacation alone with my husband. NO KIDS. Problem solved.

+1 What a waste - they won't even remember it!

Hire a nanny. Not a trip for all the kids and the ex wife, lol. If they get along with the ex now they won't by the time they get back.

Also, you don't have to always take all the kids together. That is ridiculous. Sometime the child that doesn't live in the home has a different break schedule. Or they may have other things going on. Dad can take that one at a later date for a one on one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I thought I would post an update. Last night I called DD's mom and explained how sorry we were to bring it up in front of her but we hadn't assumed it would be an issue and how much of an oversight that was. I also invited her to "shadow" us and we could all make a vacation out of it. She really reacted positively to that idea and said that sounds like a win/win and we hung up on good terms. She then texted me this morning explaining how that was a really nice offer but work wise its not a good time of year for her to take off. She said that she appreciates the gesture and will most likely let DD come with us after we work a few details out (mainly referring to a certain equestrian camp/ working out dates.). So Im thinking this is heading towards a positive direction. I love being a step mom but there is no handbook and there are a lot of muddy waters. I really just try and do my best and not offend anyone. Its hard because I also want my kids to have various experiences and it seems keeping everything equal is a must but thats not something I can always control. Thanks for all the responses.

That's awesome. Having her tag along sounds terrible, frankly, but you made the gesture, and her mom is coming around to a situation she likely would have agreed to had she been approached respectfully first.

Breathe a sigh of relief, and you and DH don't screw up like this again.

Not a big deal. Seems it all worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have someone care for the 3 and 4 year old at home, and then go on a romantic 12 day Italian vacation alone with my husband. NO KIDS. Problem solved.

+1 What a waste - they won't even remember it!

Hire a nanny. Not a trip for all the kids and the ex wife, lol. If they get along with the ex now they won't by the time they get back.

Also, you don't have to always take all the kids together. That is ridiculous. Sometime the child that doesn't live in the home has a different break schedule. Or they may have other things going on. Dad can take that one at a later date for a one on one.

I agree with this in general. It isn't always feasible to take all the kids. It shouldn't be all or nothing. I'm sure the step DD goes on trips with her mom that your kids don't get to go on. However, in this case, DH made a mistake to announce the trip and not consult with ex beforehand. I think he should encourage ex to make an exception to the 7 day rule. It seems like she is making it a big deal when it really doesn't need to be.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad things still may work out.

Honestly, I would just plan a 12 day vacation somewhere else. Italy isn't going anywhere and if you wait a few years step-daughters mom may be more comfortable with it and your other 2 kids will be old enough to actually appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

She was caught off guard and may just need to get used to the idea.

[Anonymous]

Well done, OP. I'm glad it's moving in a positive direction, not only how you wanted but with an understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know taking little kids to Europe isn't ideal for many but both me and DH have been to Italy over 10 times and I grew up in Europe. My kids have been to my home country twice but DH didn't go on those trips and neither did DD. (I took one long one during my maternity leave and another shorter one during the summer...both times DH had to work) This is our first "vacation" to Europe.

Either the 9 year old is a member of your family or not. If she can't go you don't go. Period. That's what you do with blended families. You went about this whole thing wrong, and you are now paying the consequences. Yes, step daughters mom is being a little irrational, but you need her to give the OK, and since you clearly didn't go about that the right way...

Or perhaps leave all the kids together. OP and DH can go by themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like a great step mom for wanting to take stepDD on this trip.

I think you all need to call the ex and apologize for not talking to her before inviting step DD. I would not invite the ex on the trip though. If step DD isn't allowed to go, that's on her mom and you all should go without her. I didn't get to go on all family trips with my parents either and they weren't divorced. Sometimes I had to work, sometimes I was in college, you name it.

100% agree with this.

I don't see an issue with inviting step DD's mom, but I wouldn't cancel the trip just because she says no or doesn't want her daughter to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I thought I would post an update. Last night I called DD's mom and explained how sorry we were to bring it up in front of her but we hadn't assumed it would be an issue and how much of an oversight that was. I also invited her to "shadow" us and we could all make a vacation out of it. She really reacted positively to that idea and said that sounds like a win/win and we hung up on good terms. She then texted me this morning explaining how that was a really nice offer but work wise its not a good time of year for her to take off. She said that she appreciates the gesture and will most likely let DD come with us after we work a few details out (mainly referring to a certain equestrian camp/ working out dates.). So Im thinking this is heading towards a positive direction. I love being a step mom but there is no handbook and there are a lot of muddy waters. I really just try and do my best and not offend anyone. Its hard because I also want my kids to have various experiences and it seems keeping everything equal is a must but thats not something I can always control. Thanks for all the responses.

OP, you are doing a great job. Keep in mind that you can't please everyone. Also everything does NOT have to be equal, especially if your step DD does not live with you full time. There is no way that you can make everything equal nor should they be. I have a step DD who is much older than my own children. Things are not EQUAL between any of them, due to their different ages, genders and the fact that step DD does not live in our home. What we strive for is fairness.

It sounds like you and step DD's mom have a good relationship and that is awesome for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your younger kids are WAY too young for this trip. Between the time change and nap schedule, you won't have the best experience.

This. You and dh should just go. The only problem is step dd will then be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like a great step mom for wanting to take stepDD on this trip.

I think you all need to call the ex and apologize for not talking to her before inviting step DD. I would not invite the ex on the trip though. If step DD isn't allowed to go, that's on her mom and you all should go without her. I didn't get to go on all family trips with my parents either and they weren't divorced. Sometimes I had to work, sometimes I was in college, you name it.

Agree with this. The kid is 9, not 4, and she’s going on vacation with her dad, not a friend. It’s on the mom if she doesn’t want her to go. OP has no obligation to fund the mom’s trip.

I agree with this. Her objections are kind of ridiculous. It isn't the time away; she's away from her daughter for 3 weeks other summers. It's not Europe - she doesn't have a problem with that (or claims not to). Yes, it was handled badly, but that doesn't mean you or your husband have to cater to silly objections.

The other alternative, if she is adamant about no longer than 7 days, is that you get your stepdaughter a flight home on day 7. It has to be direct, obviously. Your husband drops her at the airport, and her mother picks her up. A 10 yo is more than old enough to sit on a plane for 7 hours reading and watching an ipad. Frankly, most kids would love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like a great step mom for wanting to take stepDD on this trip.

I think you all need to call the ex and apologize for not talking to her before inviting step DD. I would not invite the ex on the trip though. If step DD isn't allowed to go, that's on her mom and you all should go without her. I didn't get to go on all family trips with my parents either and they weren't divorced. Sometimes I had to work, sometimes I was in college, you name it.

Agree with this. The kid is 9, not 4, and she’s going on vacation with her dad, not a friend. It’s on the mom if she doesn’t want her to go. OP has no obligation to fund the mom’s trip.

I agree with this. Her objections are kind of ridiculous. It isn't the time away; she's away from her daughter for 3 weeks other summers. It's not Europe - she doesn't have a problem with that (or claims not to). Yes, it was handled badly, but that doesn't mean you or your husband have to cater to silly objections.

The other alternative, if she is adamant about no longer than 7 days, is that you get your stepdaughter a flight home on day 7. It has to be direct, obviously. Your husband drops her at the airport, and her mother picks her up. A 10 yo is more than old enough to sit on a plane for 7 hours reading and watching an ipad. Frankly, most kids would love it.

This. I agree that her mom is being unreasonable. I think the motive behind this could be that she doesn't want your DH to take her on a vacation she can't provide for her own daughter. That it would make your DH look really good.

If something happened to DD-9 on the trip, she can always just get on a damn plane and be there later in the day. What does she think is going to happen? All of that stuff could happen here in the US.