Invite (step)dd's mom? cancel trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have had DD more than 7 days in a row (we usually take 3 weeks in the summer) but its just local, 3 min away from her house. In the custody order we can't take DD out of town for more than a week. I don't think the 12 days would be a problem if we were going to say...Hilton Head...but the longer amount of time combined with out of country makes DD's mom hesitant. We all agree (dd's mom included) that Europe for 7 days isn't enough. We are all just trying to see what works and what she is comfortable with. I guess she's also a little concerned DD might start her period this summer (I guess her mom got it right after 11) and her being in Europe without her mom is worrisome to her. I think thats a little far fetched but it certainly scared DH and worked on him. I think "shadowing" the trip is the right decision here. I think there is a small change DD's mom might warm up to the idea and the shadow suggestion might help her see we are trying to make it work for everyone. I regret suggesting just taking the little kids. I apologized and all is well on that front.

It sounds like you guys have a great relationship. I admire that.

[Anonymous]

"Why should Dad pay for Mom's trip? Mom probably gets weeks at a time depending on the custody agreement and Dad probably only gets limited time. He should not have to share his time with Mom. The trip being about the kids so the older child should be allowed to go with Dad. She's going with Dad, not a friend.

I am PP with the suggestion that they help pay IF they can as I assume that like most divorces the ex-wife economic security is diminished. Having the resources to take a family of 5 on this dream vacation must be amazing and I am guessing that the ex wife is not in that situation. So my thought was that it would be a kindness to include her but also if OP couldn't afford to add anything to ex's trip at least it allowed her to shadow trip and perhaps even be able to afford a trip extension since OP would be paying for the DD airfare.

This scenario is pretty much an exact copy of the season finale of HBO's Divorce - so if OP not a troll - perhaps she should watch it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have had DD more than 7 days in a row (we usually take 3 weeks in the summer) but its just local, 3 min away from her house. In the custody order we can't take DD out of town for more than a week. I don't think the 12 days would be a problem if we were going to say...Hilton Head...but the longer amount of time combined with out of country makes DD's mom hesitant. We all agree (dd's mom included) that Europe for 7 days isn't enough. We are all just trying to see what works and what she is comfortable with. I guess she's also a little concerned DD might start her period this summer (I guess her mom got it right after 11) and her being in Europe without her mom is worrisome to her. I think thats a little far fetched but it certainly scared DH and worked on him. I think "shadowing" the trip is the right decision here. I think there is a small change DD's mom might warm up to the idea and the shadow suggestion might help her see we are trying to make it work for everyone. I regret suggesting just taking the little kids. I apologized and all is well on that front.

Is she 9 or 11 - you are posting two different things. To not send a child because of her period is bizarre. They have all the supplies she needs and you will b there. She could get it anywhere from 9-14, so that's just an excuse. I would get a court order for more visitation and the trip.

She's 9 now. Will be 10 on the trip. I agree its bizarre. DH and I both want to stay away from court. Not interested in that road.

[Anonymous]

Definitely should have talked to mom before telling kids.

I have twin 9 yo daughters and I would have real issues with my daughters traveling overseas at this age... even to relatively friendly countries. My ex mentioned taking them to Israel (where his wife is from) and that's an absolute no until they are adults and outside of my control. I could see Europe or Japan (their grandfather is from Japan) when they are teens.

Also, I went to France when I was 10 and while it was cool, i think i would have appreciated it much more when I was in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg, just plan another trip. The 3 and 4 year old won’t even remember anything. Plan Italy in a couple years. It isn’t going anywhere

This. Wait a few years. Your 3 year old in Italy will make it a lot less fun for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, this reminds me of the last episode of "Divorce" on HBO, you should watch it , maybe your DH's X will change her mind!

[Anonymous]

Op here....we currently only have Netflix but I will watch and see if divorce comes out on DVD!

[Anonymous]

Would the mom be ok with the 12 year old traveling alone? I travelled many times with my brother overseas since I was 10 and my brother was 9. They pretty much took us by the hand where we needed to go, and were first boarding. It was really easy. I think I travelled we travelled a good 10 times alone overseas. Maybe you and your husband and kids can go, and DD can meet your the last week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would the mom be ok with the 12 year old traveling alone? I travelled many times with my brother overseas since I was 10 and my brother was 9. They pretty much took us by the hand where we needed to go, and were first boarding. It was really easy. I think I travelled we travelled a good 10 times alone overseas. Maybe you and your husband and kids can go, and DD can meet your the last week?

I'm the PP, just an FYI, finding bathrooms in Europe is not as easy as in the US, so it may be a pain to be out and about with little ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely should have talked to mom before telling kids.

I have twin 9 yo daughters and I would have real issues with my daughters traveling overseas at this age... even to relatively friendly countries. My ex mentioned taking them to Israel (where his wife is from) and that's an absolute no until they are adults and outside of my control. I could see Europe or Japan (their grandfather is from Japan) when they are teens.

Also, I went to France when I was 10 and while it was cool, i think i would have appreciated it much more when I was in high school.

So, if you take them its ok, he takes them no. Nice. This is why kids don't have real relationships with the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the mom be ok with the 12 year old traveling alone? I travelled many times with my brother overseas since I was 10 and my brother was 9. They pretty much took us by the hand where we needed to go, and were first boarding. It was really easy. I think I travelled we travelled a good 10 times alone overseas. Maybe you and your husband and kids can go, and DD can meet your the last week?

I'm the PP, just an FYI, finding bathrooms in Europe is not as easy as in the US, so it may be a pain to be out and about with little ones.

I backpacked in Europe and never had an issue and I go a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"Why should Dad pay for Mom's trip? Mom probably gets weeks at a time depending on the custody agreement and Dad probably only gets limited time. He should not have to share his time with Mom. The trip being about the kids so the older child should be allowed to go with Dad. She's going with Dad, not a friend.

I am PP with the suggestion that they help pay IF they can as I assume that like most divorces the ex-wife economic security is diminished. Having the resources to take a family of 5 on this dream vacation must be amazing and I am guessing that the ex wife is not in that situation. So my thought was that it would be a kindness to include her but also if OP couldn't afford to add anything to ex's trip at least it allowed her to shadow trip and perhaps even be able to afford a trip extension since OP would be paying for the DD airfare.

This scenario is pretty much an exact copy of the season finale of HBO's Divorce - so if OP not a troll - perhaps she should watch it.

If Dad has a second family and is paying child support/alimony plus extras I doubt they have that much extra money laying around. They could be using points and frequent flyer miles. Ex could be remarried and doing very well for all you know or ex has a great job and lots of resources. She should not supervise the trip. Having child call/skype mom daily is reasonable, mom going on trip is not in less all parents are really good friends.

[Anonymous]

You put dd's mom is a rough spot. If she says no, now she is the bad parent. I guess I would start with inviting her first. Might put her in an awkward spot, as not likely her ideal way to spend her vacation time. I suspect she may change her mind, but not feel comfortable with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like a great step mom for wanting to take stepDD on this trip.

I think you all need to call the ex and apologize for not talking to her before inviting step DD. I would not invite the ex on the trip though. If step DD isn't allowed to go, that's on her mom and you all should go without her. I didn't get to go on all family trips with my parents either and they weren't divorced. Sometimes I had to work, sometimes I was in college, you name it.

Agree with this. The kid is 9, not 4, and she’s going on vacation with her dad, not a friend. It’s on the mom if she doesn’t want her to go. OP has no obligation to fund the mom’s trip.

[Anonymous]

Your younger kids are WAY too young for this trip. Between the time change and nap schedule, you won't have the best experience.