Newly single, military Mom, going to residency - child care options

[Anonymous]

Isn't the CDC at Walter Reed offering 24/7 care now? I know at the very least you can drop off really early and pick up into the evenings. This may accommodate your schedule but the hard part will be getting in there. When I was pregnant with our first we were on the waiting list for over a year. You may have priority though as a single parent. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Walter Reed has several day cares, one being 24/7. If you can get in, they will work with you. It will depend on the doc's you work with and how family friendly they are. One of my doc's had something happen and became a single parent. They were very good and supportive to her. We were grateful they were as she was wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to all who provided useful information that I requested! I’m grateful that my residency opportunity will not require overnights. My mentors have been incredible to work with. For my annual conferences that I’ll need to do or extended time away, my mom can help. Lastly, it’s no one’s business where the other parent is. That wasn’t what I asked about but thank you for the concern.l

You go girl. Good for you for not listening to the other naysaying PPs who say you can't do this without family. Their lack of support hurts women just as much as sexism in the workplace. They are the "home" version of the work colleague who won't give you a professional opportunity because they know you are a single mom and assume you couldn't possibly do X with a kid. These mother-shamers have some arbitrary number of hours and schedule in their head which they believe all "good parents" must conform, and they assume you can't possibly conform to that. Saying, "this is going to be harder than you think," and "you need another functional adult" (which by their definition has to be someone tied to you by blood or deep friendship), and "this seems impossible to manage to me..... with hired help" -- none of these are helpful comments. They are examples of the kinds of thinking that have held women back for centuries.

We are better than this DCUM.

You are not in touch with reality. I went through military residency with my spouse and you have absolutely no clue what you are talking about. My husband would go a couple weeks without even seeing the kids when they were young and went to bed early. Can it be done? Yes, with a whole lot of childcare help. It is in no way going to be a good situation for the child involved. You just can't be two places in once, no matter how much "you go girl" is involved.

You prove my point. It can be done, and your judgment is unnecessary. The "you just can't be two places in once" is the classic sexism against women -- you must be with your child and you must be with work and since you can't be two places at once, the implication is that you must give up work or "it is not a good situation for the child".

Society is moving on from this sexist view of women's lives. Women do not have to spend 24/7 with their kids and each mother gets to decide how much time with their child is necessary and what other adults can be involved in the care of the child.

Just because it worked out that way for your husband doesn't at all mean that it will work out that way for OP. Just because you chose to handle it one way, does not mean OP has to handle it the same. OP has a toddler and no overnight shifts. Was your DH on call overnight? Maybe that is one difference between your situation and OP's that means that OP can do it where you and your DH couldn't imagine doing it.

For example, OP could see her child in the morning and have quality time then before work instead of in the evening. OR, toddler could be on a schedule where a sitter is with him in the morning and he sleeps later and goes to bed later. Or toddler could have a normal schedule and OP could have quality time with DC at lunch at daycare center or whatever.

You are the perfect example of the way some women keep others down by superimposing their own version of what women should be on the rest of us.

Stop. As my mother used to say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. OP asked for "help navigating this," not your judgment about whether she should be doing it.

Helping her to navigate is to be realistic about what she will need. I've already responded an au pair or nanny is the way to go. It has nothing to do with being sexist, I am a professional myself. Never passed judgment about her needing to be with her child, but SOMEONE has to be with the child, so please don't put words in my mouth. Residency is a different experience, and she most likely will not be in control over her schedule. You are minimizing the situation and it would be horrible for her to arrive and realize how ill prepared she is. You aren't doing any favors with your misplaced lecture about sexism.

I also said she needs a stable, regular, other adult available. If she doesn't want to spend a fortune on full time help, then a relative would be great. But someone needs to be available when her child is sick, or in an emergency. The military is actually pretty flexible about sick leave, but residency is different. They will cancel your rotation, make you do it again, and delay your graduation. If it happens often enough, you do have a problem.

But my main issue for the OP is the level of stress this is going to be if she doesn't have another adult who can act as "parent" in her stead. And no, I don't think it's a situation for a young child to be in the care of a rotating cast of center caregivers and rarely see an adult who is most dedicated to her.

+1
No one is telling her she can't do it, so enough with the "naysayers". They are telling her she needs adequate help. She does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to all who provided useful information that I requested! I’m grateful that my residency opportunity will not require overnights. My mentors have been incredible to work with. For my annual conferences that I’ll need to do or extended time away, my mom can help. Lastly, it’s no one’s business where the other parent is. That wasn’t what I asked about but thank you for the concern.l

You go girl. Good for you for not listening to the other naysaying PPs who say you can't do this without family. Their lack of support hurts women just as much as sexism in the workplace. They are the "home" version of the work colleague who won't give you a professional opportunity because they know you are a single mom and assume you couldn't possibly do X with a kid. These mother-shamers have some arbitrary number of hours and schedule in their head which they believe all "good parents" must conform, and they assume you can't possibly conform to that. Saying, "this is going to be harder than you think," and "you need another functional adult" (which by their definition has to be someone tied to you by blood or deep friendship), and "this seems impossible to manage to me..... with hired help" -- none of these are helpful comments. They are examples of the kinds of thinking that have held women back for centuries.

We are better than this DCUM.

You are not in touch with reality. I went through military residency with my spouse and you have absolutely no clue what you are talking about. My husband would go a couple weeks without even seeing the kids when they were young and went to bed early. Can it be done? Yes, with a whole lot of childcare help. It is in no way going to be a good situation for the child involved. You just can't be two places in once, no matter how much "you go girl" is involved.

You prove my point. It can be done, and your judgment is unnecessary. The "you just can't be two places in once" is the classic sexism against women -- you must be with your child and you must be with work and since you can't be two places at once, the implication is that you must give up work or "it is not a good situation for the child".

Society is moving on from this sexist view of women's lives. Women do not have to spend 24/7 with their kids and each mother gets to decide how much time with their child is necessary and what other adults can be involved in the care of the child.

Just because it worked out that way for your husband doesn't at all mean that it will work out that way for OP. Just because you chose to handle it one way, does not mean OP has to handle it the same. OP has a toddler and no overnight shifts. Was your DH on call overnight? Maybe that is one difference between your situation and OP's that means that OP can do it where you and your DH couldn't imagine doing it.

For example, OP could see her child in the morning and have quality time then before work instead of in the evening. OR, toddler could be on a schedule where a sitter is with him in the morning and he sleeps later and goes to bed later. Or toddler could have a normal schedule and OP could have quality time with DC at lunch at daycare center or whatever.

You are the perfect example of the way some women keep others down by superimposing their own version of what women should be on the rest of us.

Stop. As my mother used to say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. OP asked for "help navigating this," not your judgment about whether she should be doing it.

Yes or no - have you been through residency?

Yes. Apparently so has 14:54 and a number of other PPs who have offered constructive suggestions.

Wow. You must have had a really flexible residency program to suggest maybe she can come in late and spend time with her child in the morning! Typically this is when rounds occur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. You must have had a really flexible residency program to suggest maybe she can come in late and spend time with her child in the morning! Typically this is when rounds occur.

No, that is not what I said; I did not say anything about being late to work. My point was that young kids can be put on very different schedules so that parents can spend time with them. Kids can be up, say, at 5 am and go down at 5pm. Very young kids have late evening feeds. Parents with different work schedules often put their kids on schedules that match their availability. Some get up at 5 am and have time in the morning. Some kids are up at 10 pm at night and parents have quality time at night. When your kid is in on-site care, you can also visit during work breaks. This becomes harder when kids get older and have to be in school. OP has a toddler, so she has more options about how to create time to spend with her child and she has no overnights. She has options.

Your sarcasm and negativity aren't helpful. Lots of parents have difficult jobs with weird hours or 24+ hour shifts or significant travel and they manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. You must have had a really flexible residency program to suggest maybe she can come in late and spend time with her child in the morning! Typically this is when rounds occur.

No, that is not what I said; I did not say anything about being late to work. My point was that young kids can be put on very different schedules so that parents can spend time with them. Kids can be up, say, at 5 am and go down at 5pm. Very young kids have late evening feeds. Parents with different work schedules often put their kids on schedules that match their availability. Some get up at 5 am and have time in the morning. Some kids are up at 10 pm at night and parents have quality time at night. When your kid is in on-site care, you can also visit during work breaks. This becomes harder when kids get older and have to be in school. OP has a toddler, so she has more options about how to create time to spend with her child and she has no overnights. She has options.

Your sarcasm and negativity aren't helpful. Lots of parents have difficult jobs with weird hours or 24+ hour shifts or significant travel and they manage.

Yes, and most of those parents have a spouse/partner or another family member they can depend on to be the "default caregiver."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. You must have had a really flexible residency program to suggest maybe she can come in late and spend time with her child in the morning! Typically this is when rounds occur.

No, that is not what I said; I did not say anything about being late to work. My point was that young kids can be put on very different schedules so that parents can spend time with them. Kids can be up, say, at 5 am and go down at 5pm. Very young kids have late evening feeds. Parents with different work schedules often put their kids on schedules that match their availability. Some get up at 5 am and have time in the morning. Some kids are up at 10 pm at night and parents have quality time at night. When your kid is in on-site care, you can also visit during work breaks. This becomes harder when kids get older and have to be in school. OP has a toddler, so she has more options about how to create time to spend with her child and she has no overnights. She has options.

Your sarcasm and negativity aren't helpful. Lots of parents have difficult jobs with weird hours or 24+ hour shifts or significant travel and they manage.

Yes, and most of those parents have a spouse/partner or another family member they can depend on to be the "default caregiver."

Yes, most parents have spouses to rely on. That a single Mom does not, doesn't mean she can figure out alternative care arrangements.

You are exhibiting exactly the kind of sexism I am calling out - the notion that only dual parent couples can engage in certain careers and the notion that a child needs 2 blood caregivers at all times in order to grow successfully. That kind of sexism leaks into every profession - the assumption that Mom's can't or won't be able to manage family and jobs. It even affects women who aren't mothers because women of child-bearing age are all assumed automatically to want children.

Again, just because many or most or even ALL mothers chose not to take these jobs in the past because of the hours is no reason to discourage them, like you are doing now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. You must have had a really flexible residency program to suggest maybe she can come in late and spend time with her child in the morning! Typically this is when rounds occur.

No, that is not what I said; I did not say anything about being late to work. My point was that young kids can be put on very different schedules so that parents can spend time with them. Kids can be up, say, at 5 am and go down at 5pm. Very young kids have late evening feeds. Parents with different work schedules often put their kids on schedules that match their availability. Some get up at 5 am and have time in the morning. Some kids are up at 10 pm at night and parents have quality time at night. When your kid is in on-site care, you can also visit during work breaks. This becomes harder when kids get older and have to be in school. OP has a toddler, so she has more options about how to create time to spend with her child and she has no overnights. She has options.

Your sarcasm and negativity aren't helpful. Lots of parents have difficult jobs with weird hours or 24+ hour shifts or significant travel and they manage.

Yes, and most of those parents have a spouse/partner or another family member they can depend on to be the "default caregiver."

Yes, most parents have spouses to rely on. That a single Mom does not, doesn't mean she can figure out alternative care arrangements.

You are exhibiting exactly the kind of sexism I am calling out - the notion that only dual parent couples can engage in certain careers and the notion that a child needs 2 blood caregivers at all times in order to grow successfully. That kind of sexism leaks into every profession - the assumption that Mom's can't or won't be able to manage family and jobs. It even affects women who aren't mothers because women of child-bearing age are all assumed automatically to want children.

Again, just because many or most or even ALL mothers chose not to take these jobs in the past because of the hours is no reason to discourage them, like you are doing now.

You have a very misplaced idea of "sexism". It's not sexism. If a father came here posting in the same situation, the exact same advice would be given. People are defaulting to the mother because she is the one who posted.
Your "sexism" arguments aren't adding anything to the conversation or helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, check out the 24/7 daycare center at Walter Reed as it seems that would be the most helpful. Congrats on your residency!

[Anonymous]

The 24/7 center at the CDC is currently closed because they do not have a site director (as of when I called a week ago). The other two CDCs are still open during daytime hours. Be sure to get on the list early, it can take many months.