Newly single, military Mom, going to residency - child care options

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to another single mom military doc. I know one, a pediatrician (she's not actually single, but she and her husband are stationed separately and her child is with her).

She did not have her child during residency, but she did go to USUHS (at Walter Reed) for medical school and knows the area as well as the military system. And she knows what to expect in residency and beyond. She may also know someone who did exactly what you are planning to do.

I suggest this because this seems impossible to manage to me if you don't have another, live-in adult who can manage as a second parent as opposed to you managing everything with pieced-together hired help. But maybe another single mom military doc can be more encouraging, and has some ideas.

If you want to contact me, I can contact her and see if she'd be willing to talk to you. To contact me, reply to this post with an email address where I can reach you. You can make a throw-away one if you want, and I'll contact you via my real one, which I don't want to post here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Au pairs are limited to 10 hour work shifts. If you are doing overnights, that will not be an option for you.

I believe your only option is a nanny who is willing to do overnights.

OP wrote there are no overnight shifts.

What kind of residency has no overnight shifts, ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Au pairs are limited to 10 hour work shifts. If you are doing overnights, that will not be an option for you.

I believe your only option is a nanny who is willing to do overnights.

OP wrote there are no overnight shifts.

What kind of residency has no overnight shifts, ever?

Pathology? Does that mean you've already done your internship year?

Or are you not an MD?

With no overnights, an au pair + daycare would work perfectly for you. It will be expensive, but you'll be able to afford it.

[Anonymous]

Fellow single parent here. I've heard of other people in our shoes who have decided to share a home with another single parent. Between them, its possible to work out a plan where there is coverage for children as well as support. Kids go to school/daycare as per usual, but this fills in the evening and weekends when another adult is required.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Thank you to all who provided useful information that I requested! I’m grateful that my residency opportunity will not require overnights. My mentors have been incredible to work with. For my annual conferences that I’ll need to do or extended time away, my mom can help. Lastly, it’s no one’s business where the other parent is. That wasn’t what I asked about but thank you for the concern.l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to all who provided useful information that I requested! I’m grateful that my residency opportunity will not require overnights. My mentors have been incredible to work with. For my annual conferences that I’ll need to do or extended time away, my mom can help. Lastly, it’s no one’s business where the other parent is. That wasn’t what I asked about but thank you for the concern.l

Many conferences I go to have on-site childcare options so that may be an option as well.

Is your DD 2 years old yet? The reason is that in MD, the kid-caregiver ratio goes up from age 2, so childcare options become cheaper since they need to staff fewer adults.

[Anonymous]

You’re looking for an answer you’re not going to get. No one really cares about your co-parent’s issues, but they are telling you that in order to get through residency in the military, you need another functional adult working with you on this. Ex, mother, sibling, best friend, whatever. Unless you are independently wealthy and can hire 24-7 help (and this is way outside the scope of an au pair) you need to,think about alternatives - either about your employment or your family and living situation.

Anonymous boards can be “rude” but they also can be very very honest. I’m a solo parent myself, so there is no judgment about you being solo, but it’s a reality check. Solo parenting of a toddler with no outside support is going to be your primary job. It just is. Find someone else to share it with your or get a 9-5 placement. And Uncle Sam doesn’t give a darn, so you are in a tough spot.

[Anonymous]

Check out the hospital child care. Many have 24/7 child care because they know the staff need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both ate Mrs. He went right to med school out of college and I stayed home and had our two kids. The when he was done (added a fellowship) I we y in at 33. I can honestly say that the years he was in school our kids saw him less than 6 waking hours a week. My experience in school wasn't quite as bad bc my kids were older and stayed up last 8. When they are under 5 and go to bed early there is just no time to see them. It's incredibly time demanding and mentally intensive. I really would not consider this career path as a single parent. Can a grandparent move in????

What was named school and residency like in your thirties? Did you retake classes? How old were your kids?

[Anonymous]

Sorry you're getting pushback, OP.

Another single mom here with young kids and no local family. Yes, it will be hard, but only for a few years, and then you'll go back to the regular hard of being a single parent. I'm in Virginia so not much help on specifics but, as a PP said, I know a hospital here has (or had) a childcare center with extended hours so that may be an option. Years ago I met a single mother who lived on Capitol Hill and was a nurse working very odd shift hours. She somehow made it work. You will, too. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, why have you not contacted your chain of command to ask about resources? The military offers so much in terms of 24 hour on base child care (I assume you're going to WRNMMC) and all sorts of other family support services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out the hospital child care. Many have 24/7 child care because they know the staff need it.

You would think hospitals would provide such center hours but it turns out they don't,

INOVA's child care centers are 6 am - 6:30 pm M-F

[Anonymous]

I think this is going to be harder than you think. I did it and almost lost my mind. I had a full time nanny. Husband deployed before internship and I was completely alone. Most staff don’t care. They will not give you the schedule early for planning purposes. If you are doing any type of internship before residency then you should plan on a call schedule. It is in your best interest to find a really good nanny and then have back up childcare. I sincerely wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is going to be harder than you think. I did it and almost lost my mind. I had a full time nanny. Husband deployed before internship and I was completely alone. Most staff don’t care. They will not give you the schedule early for planning purposes. If you are doing any type of internship before residency then you should plan on a call schedule. It is in your best interest to find a really good nanny and then have back up childcare. I sincerely wish you the best.

I don't think she's a physician. I'm guessing dentist or social worker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to all who provided useful information that I requested! I’m grateful that my residency opportunity will not require overnights. My mentors have been incredible to work with. For my annual conferences that I’ll need to do or extended time away, my mom can help. Lastly, it’s no one’s business where the other parent is. That wasn’t what I asked about but thank you for the concern.l

You go girl. Good for you for not listening to the other naysaying PPs who say you can't do this without family. Their lack of support hurts women just as much as sexism in the workplace. They are the "home" version of the work colleague who won't give you a professional opportunity because they know you are a single mom and assume you couldn't possibly do X with a kid. These mother-shamers have some arbitrary number of hours and schedule in their head which they believe all "good parents" must conform, and they assume you can't possibly conform to that. Saying, "this is going to be harder than you think," and "you need another functional adult" (which by their definition has to be someone tied to you by blood or deep friendship), and "this seems impossible to manage to me..... with hired help" -- none of these are helpful comments. They are examples of the kinds of thinking that have held women back for centuries.

We are better than this DCUM.