What if you picked wrong in your 20s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I picked wrong in my 20s and worse than alone and single, I am still married to him now in my early 50s.

This is the fate of many of my friends. They are in their late forties. Many talk about divorce, but now they're screwed. Most haven't worked in decades.

They're getting exactly what they deserve.

You sound awful.

This is why you get a JOB and WORK, not only to support your family to be able to provide for yourself in case your marriage goes downhill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realized it pretty quickly once we started talking about having kids. I thought I do not want this personnel to be the father of my kids. So, I initiated a divorce. Met an awesome guy and got married 3 years later at 31.

I was in almost the same boat. With a guy from 21-30, married for three years. Divorced at 30, met my current husband at 31, married at 32, and now we have two kids and a dream life (not perfect, but amazing). If you picked the wrong person, get out now and find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why anyone would ever trust themself to pick their LIFE PARTNER in their 20's is beyond me. You have the rest of your life to be married so I have no sympathy for those who rush it and end up making a huge mistake.

Because some people are smarter and more mature in their 20s then others? I picked my husband in my 20s, had all my kids before 30, and we are going to celebrate our 20th anniversary next year. I don't want to be married to anyone else as I love my DH more and more every year. It is nice to have children in college/heading to college and be in my early 40s.

P.S. I've never been in Oklahoma

It’s “than”. Guess you’re not that smart.

NP. WOW. You are SEETHING with jealousy.

New poster. I don't think she's seething with jealousy at all. In urban areas like DC and NY, it's very unusual to have all your children before the age of 30 nowadays. Most women are focusing on our careers or graduate school and leaving their mark on the world during these years. I don't sense jealousy in the PP's post - it's actually more condescending.

I don't see any jealousy here. Most women in DC wouldn't want the kind of life described above by the young marriage poster.

NP. I don't see any jealousy. But I also noticed the typo. And I find it odd that PP knows "many, many" people like her. I know NO ONE like that. Must be a UGA thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I picked wrong in my 20s and worse than alone and single, I am still married to him now in my early 50s.

This is the fate of many of my friends. They are in their late forties. Many talk about divorce, but now they're screwed. Most haven't worked in decades.

They're getting exactly what they deserve.

You sound awful.

This is why you get a JOB and WORK, not only to support your family to be able to provide for yourself in case your marriage goes downhill.

It’s not always that easy. My DH works in a field that is very family-unfriendly: have to move every 2-4 years, can’t do many sick days, can rarely do school pickups and drop offs, gets called to go in at a moment’s notice at all hours of the day and night, lots of travel. It is 100% on spouses to handle childcare, and many couples make the choice together for the spouse to give up work so that the working spouse can advance their career, and the other spouse isn’t stuck with a career that is going nowhere plus all childcare. Very few of the men he works with have wives who work, and those that do have pink-collar jobs with little room for advancement (eg teacher). So even though they are working it’s not enough money to support themselves if they divorce.

I’ve had to fight tooth and nail to convince my DH to let me work because he doesn’t want any responsibility. He doesn’t want to have to arrange backup childcare if he gets called in on a day he is supposed to care for the kids. Doesn’t want to give up his company car so he can do pickups and drop offs (they can’t have kids in the company cars). Doesn’t want to stay in an area for an extra year so my career can advance, he wants to move so he can advance his own. Thinks the fact that he was working first absolves him from parental duties. This attitude isn’t just him, it’s rampant in his field, especially at higher level positions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I picked wrong in my 20s and worse than alone and single, I am still married to him now in my early 50s.

This is the fate of many of my friends. They are in their late forties. Many talk about divorce, but now they're screwed. Most haven't worked in decades.

They're getting exactly what they deserve.

Tell us what being perfect is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I picked wrong in my 20s and worse than alone and single, I am still married to him now in my early 50s.

This is the fate of many of my friends. They are in their late forties. Many talk about divorce, but now they're screwed. Most haven't worked in decades.

They're getting exactly what they deserve.

You sound awful.

This is why you get a JOB and WORK, not only to support your family to be able to provide for yourself in case your marriage goes downhill.

It’s not always that easy. My DH works in a field that is very family-unfriendly: have to move every 2-4 years, can’t do many sick days, can rarely do school pickups and drop offs, gets called to go in at a moment’s notice at all hours of the day and night, lots of travel. It is 100% on spouses to handle childcare, and many couples make the choice together for the spouse to give up work so that the working spouse can advance their career, and the other spouse isn’t stuck with a career that is going nowhere plus all childcare. Very few of the men he works with have wives who work, and those that do have pink-collar jobs with little room for advancement (eg teacher). So even though they are working it’s not enough money to support themselves if they divorce.

I’ve had to fight tooth and nail to convince my DH to let me work because he doesn’t want any responsibility. He doesn’t want to have to arrange backup childcare if he gets called in on a day he is supposed to care for the kids. Doesn’t want to give up his company car so he can do pickups and drop offs (they can’t have kids in the company cars). Doesn’t want to stay in an area for an extra year so my career can advance, he wants to move so he can advance his own. Thinks the fact that he was working first absolves him from parental duties. This attitude isn’t just him, it’s rampant in his field, especially at higher level positions.

Did your husband make a unilateral decision to switch fields after you married and had kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why anyone would ever trust themself to pick their LIFE PARTNER in their 20's is beyond me. You have the rest of your life to be married so I have no sympathy for those who rush it and end up making a huge mistake.

Because some people are smarter and more mature in their 20s then others? I picked my husband in my 20s, had all my kids before 30, and we are going to celebrate our 20th anniversary next year. I don't want to be married to anyone else as I love my DH more and more every year. It is nice to have children in college/heading to college and be in my early 40s.

P.S. I've never been in Oklahoma

It’s “than”. Guess you’re not that smart.

NP. WOW. You are SEETHING with jealousy.

I’m the one that called you on your typo. Keep telling yourself I’m jealous (and I think you mean envious) if it keeps you warm at night. If your original post hadn’t been so smarmy and self-congratulatory, I probably would have let it go. But proclaiming how much smarter you are, while simultaneously displaying an incomplete grasp of simple, basic grammar, requires a reality check. I’ll say it again—you’re not that smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then you get to get divorced and become the mistress you were always destined to be in your 40s. Heal your wounds, op Live your truth!

You can also be a real estate agent or an escort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I picked wrong in my 20s and worse than alone and single, I am still married to him now in my early 50s.

This is the fate of many of my friends. They are in their late forties. Many talk about divorce, but now they're screwed. Most haven't worked in decades.

They're getting exactly what they deserve.

Tell us what being perfect is like.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I picked wrong in my 20s and worse than alone and single, I am still married to him now in my early 50s.

This is the fate of many of my friends. They are in their late forties. Many talk about divorce, but now they're screwed. Most haven't worked in decades.

They're getting exactly what they deserve.

You sound awful.

This is why you get a JOB and WORK, not only to support your family to be able to provide for yourself in case your marriage goes downhill.

It’s not always that easy. My DH works in a field that is very family-unfriendly: have to move every 2-4 years, can’t do many sick days, can rarely do school pickups and drop offs, gets called to go in at a moment’s notice at all hours of the day and night, lots of travel. It is 100% on spouses to handle childcare, and many couples make the choice together for the spouse to give up work so that the working spouse can advance their career, and the other spouse isn’t stuck with a career that is going nowhere plus all childcare. Very few of the men he works with have wives who work, and those that do have pink-collar jobs with little room for advancement (eg teacher). So even though they are working it’s not enough money to support themselves if they divorce.

I’ve had to fight tooth and nail to convince my DH to let me work because he doesn’t want any responsibility. He doesn’t want to have to arrange backup childcare if he gets called in on a day he is supposed to care for the kids. Doesn’t want to give up his company car so he can do pickups and drop offs (they can’t have kids in the company cars). Doesn’t want to stay in an area for an extra year so my career can advance, he wants to move so he can advance his own. Thinks the fact that he was working first absolves him from parental duties. This attitude isn’t just him, it’s rampant in his field, especially at higher level positions.

Did your husband make a unilateral decision to switch fields after you married and had kids?

He was in the field pre-marriage but hadn’t yet started climbing the ladder. I know what you’re getting at- that I should have thought of that before marriage/kids- but we both really had no idea it would be this inflexible until after we had kids.

I’m doing the best I can. I enjoy working and being able to support myself. But it’s tough, and I can understand why some people choose not to. Plus, if a woman has a career and can support herself, and on top of that is doing all the childcare, what does she really need a husband for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1. You nailed it.

I feel bad because she's probably a nice person. But so lacking in passion and self awareness. No clue about how dead and dreary she sounds, especially, I'm sure, to young people in their twenties. Better to stay single if this is the alternative!

She's incredibly vain, concentrating and checking off boxes on the path to the perfect life and marriage. Can't even bother to mix in a carriage return every few breaths.

So tiring.

She wrote a thoughtful and helpful answer. The fact that you criticize her post says more about you than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then you get to get divorced and become the mistress you were always destined to be in your 40s. Heal your wounds, op Live your truth!

You can also be a real estate agent or an escort.

Hard to decide which would be worse.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people pick wrong in their 20's. Not necessarily bad people, but bad matches for them and these people become available again in their 30's. There are also a lot of people in their 30's who have been cautious about not picking the wrong person. The idea that the only single people in their 30's are leftover or losers has always been silly to me.

[Anonymous]

Every divorce is a 'strike' adding the risk of a bad marriage partner. The pool of older partners will have more 'strikes' therefore more risk of not working out.

Then if you add kids into the mix, that adds another level of complication into a potential 2nd marriage failing,

I say stay with your DH and work it out.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is hard work, most 20 somethings are too immature or self-centered to be able to work thru the bumps. So they divorce and start over. Marriage before 30 should be illegal IMHO.