I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you--my DH is like this sometimes, too. Picky eater, tuned out, leaving lots of things undone, then saying he was going to do it later. And we love each other very much! Things that help are definitely communicating about how you feel in situations like this and recognizing that people genuinely have different energy levels at different times of day (or when getting back from a trip). And most importantly, learning how to argue productively.

You may laugh, but one of the most helpful things we do when we disagree is switch to animal noises (like cats, dogs, bears, lions, etc.). You can express a lot without getting super angry when you are being a little silly.

Also, since having a baby (yes, we did!), it's actually been a little easier in some ways. I just say "no" more than I did because I absolutely have to. And we have a housecleaner twice a month. And he realized he genuinely had to help more--he cooks dinner every night now and washes up and helps with baby bath, diaper changes, laundry folding, etc. He's still bad at understanding that some baby tasks are time-critical, but we're working on it.

But to get there, we talked before and during pregnancy about how much sharing of chores we'd have to do after baby--I instigated that conversation by sending him some helpful articles about marital stressors after kids arrive. Talking about things outside the heat of the moment and while the issue is still hypothetical is the best way to go. And cutting each other some slack. Sometimes when he wants to help, I tell him to just keep enjoying the internet or whatever hobby-esque thing he is doing. It builds trust and good-feeling.

what kind of man agrees to this?

[Anonymous]

No, of course it isn’t.

It is totally outrageous to me that you had the flu yet he still expected you to clean up + do all the laundry!!

You should have been resting up....
NOT cleaning up.

He should have let you go to bed & rest while he went to the store, prepared dinner, cleaned up, unpacked AND washed the laundry.

You are smart to recognize having a child w/this man will be HELL!
You will find yourself a very bitter + resentful wife who will have given up your own life for your family while he gets to live his life w/out giving up a darn thing.

You will be saddled w/all the childcare AND household duties while he sits on his lazy butt not offering to lift a darn finger.

If you eventually do want kids, then you should most definitely look for someone else out there.

A real M-A-N.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, of course it isn’t.

It is totally outrageous to me that you had the flu yet he still expected you to clean up + do all the laundry!!

You should have been resting up....
NOT cleaning up.

He should have let you go to bed & rest while he went to the store, prepared dinner, cleaned up, unpacked AND washed the laundry.

You are smart to recognize having a child w/this man will be HELL!
You will find yourself a very bitter + resentful wife who will have given up your own life for your family while he gets to live his life w/out giving up a darn thing.

You will be saddled w/all the childcare AND household duties while he sits on his lazy butt not offering to lift a darn finger.

If you eventually do want kids, then you should most definitely look for someone else out there.

A real M-A-N.

1) OP clearly didn't have a flu 2) OP created a very long must-do list most of which could have be done at a more leisurely pace.

[Anonymous]

Did you not realize this about him when you were dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you do ll that when you were sick? Go to bed! Don't make him a separate soup! Why grocery shop with him? What the heck.

Yeah, I don't get this.

I actually think this complaining about "men-children" is the work of one complainy troll. I don't know men like this.

Very funny. This actually sounds like a LOT of the men I know. They see women as sex toys, child minders and house cleaners. Any expectations are considered "bitchiness."

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like OP who is a control freak. She always has an endless list of tasks that must be done. Everything must be done in a certain way that requires a lot of efforts. Not a second can be spent lounging around and just having unplanned fun.

She often complains that her husband is immature man child while in reality he is a laid back guy who is a very successful professional and just fun to be around. Her behavior puts a real strain on their marriage. She follows her 10 yo son around playground, constantly hovers over him and gives him instructions for every move. It's unreal and unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but I have to say, a lot of this is just a matter of male vs. female priorities.

You felt compelled to have all of the regular chores done despite your illness. If he were sick, he would just let the laundry pile up and the probably even the cat litter, frankly. I completely understand why you want him to pick up the slack on things that matter to you while you are sick, but being incredulous about his not automatically doing so is going to make your situation worse not better.

Go park yourself in bed and ask him to do x, y, and z. Keep it short and sweet and don't be angry about having to ask. Let him do it his way. I have been through all of what you are describing with my own husband and things have gotten A LOT better, so there is hope. Start with ditching the outrage.

Please don't make sweeping generalizations about gender this way. Not all men do that. My husband absolutely sends me to bed when I'm sick, and PRIDES himself on keeping the house running on his own. He whips out the stock pot to make ME chicken soup when I'm starting to get sick. He blasts music and has our girls help him clean the common areas. He folds laundry on our bed at night while telling me what happened during the day since I slept through it. If I could clone him and send the clones out into the universe for my fellow sister-women, I would.

Man here. Thank you. Not all men are lazy and not all men sit around and watch sports or whatever. This guy would piss me off. He sounds like my 11 yo boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but I have to say, a lot of this is just a matter of male vs. female priorities.

You felt compelled to have all of the regular chores done despite your illness. If he were sick, he would just let the laundry pile up and the probably even the cat litter, frankly. I completely understand why you want him to pick up the slack on things that matter to you while you are sick, but being incredulous about his not automatically doing so is going to make your situation worse not better.

Go park yourself in bed and ask him to do x, y, and z. Keep it short and sweet and don't be angry about having to ask. Let him do it his way. I have been through all of what you are describing with my own husband and things have gotten A LOT better, so there is hope. Start with ditching the outrage.

Please don't make sweeping generalizations about gender this way. Not all men do that. My husband absolutely sends me to bed when I'm sick, and PRIDES himself on keeping the house running on his own. He whips out the stock pot to make ME chicken soup when I'm starting to get sick. He blasts music and has our girls help him clean the common areas. He folds laundry on our bed at night while telling me what happened during the day since I slept through it. If I could clone him and send the clones out into the universe for my fellow sister-women, I would.

Man here. Thank you. Not all men are lazy and not all men sit around and watch sports or whatever. This guy would piss me off. He sounds like my 11 yo boy.

Agree. My husband is fantastic and does lots of work in the house. He can't make stock but he will get me any food I want when I'm sick. He was a saint when I was on bedrest.

[Anonymous]

Oh I should say he probably could make stock with a recipe if I really wanted but he couldn't whip it up.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not going to weigh in on whether you're too uptight or your husband is too lazy, because neither of those things are important in and of themselves - what's important is that you have very different views on how things should be done, and I promise you, those differences will become much more noticeable if you have a kid. I would seriously work on coming to a middle ground (or something just left or right of middle) on regular life things before having a kid. If you can't do that, then find someone else to have children with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would help if OP stopped acting like a mother. Why go to the grocery store with DH? That makes no sense. Why clean out the litter box? Why make dinner at all, much less agree to make a separate one? If you are sick, you go to bed and you let.some.of.the.control go.

If you keep mothering/babying him, he's going to keep living up to your expectations.

FWIW, if you are the "tattoo regret DH" then I change my answer and you should divorce him now.

NP. Could someone please link to that thread? I searched and couldn't find it. TIA!

Here you go: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/678973.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you--my DH is like this sometimes, too. Picky eater, tuned out, leaving lots of things undone, then saying he was going to do it later. And we love each other very much! Things that help are definitely communicating about how you feel in situations like this and recognizing that people genuinely have different energy levels at different times of day (or when getting back from a trip). And most importantly, learning how to argue productively.

You may laugh, but one of the most helpful things we do when we disagree is switch to animal noises (like cats, dogs, bears, lions, etc.). You can express a lot without getting super angry when you are being a little silly.

Also, since having a baby (yes, we did!), it's actually been a little easier in some ways. I just say "no" more than I did because I absolutely have to. And we have a housecleaner twice a month. And he realized he genuinely had to help more--he cooks dinner every night now and washes up and helps with baby bath, diaper changes, laundry folding, etc. He's still bad at understanding that some baby tasks are time-critical, but we're working on it.

But to get there, we talked before and during pregnancy about how much sharing of chores we'd have to do after baby--I instigated that conversation by sending him some helpful articles about marital stressors after kids arrive. Talking about things outside the heat of the moment and while the issue is still hypothetical is the best way to go. And cutting each other some slack. Sometimes when he wants to help, I tell him to just keep enjoying the internet or whatever hobby-esque thing he is doing. It builds trust and good-feeling.

what kind of man agrees to this?

This has to be a joke...right?

[Anonymous]

If you got the flu, GO TO BED. STAY IN BED. Eventually, he will figure out it’s time for him to bring water and meals to YOU IN BED

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you got the flu, GO TO BED. STAY IN BED. Eventually, he will figure out it’s time for him to bring water and meals to YOU IN BED

but she doesn't have a flu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you--my DH is like this sometimes, too. Picky eater, tuned out, leaving lots of things undone, then saying he was going to do it later. And we love each other very much! Things that help are definitely communicating about how you feel in situations like this and recognizing that people genuinely have different energy levels at different times of day (or when getting back from a trip). And most importantly, learning how to argue productively.

You may laugh, but one of the most helpful things we do when we disagree is switch to animal noises (like cats, dogs, bears, lions, etc.). You can express a lot without getting super angry when you are being a little silly.

Also, since having a baby (yes, we did!), it's actually been a little easier in some ways. I just say "no" more than I did because I absolutely have to. And we have a housecleaner twice a month. And he realized he genuinely had to help more--he cooks dinner every night now and washes up and helps with baby bath, diaper changes, laundry folding, etc. He's still bad at understanding that some baby tasks are time-critical, but we're working on it.

But to get there, we talked before and during pregnancy about how much sharing of chores we'd have to do after baby--I instigated that conversation by sending him some helpful articles about marital stressors after kids arrive. Talking about things outside the heat of the moment and while the issue is still hypothetical is the best way to go. And cutting each other some slack. Sometimes when he wants to help, I tell him to just keep enjoying the internet or whatever hobby-esque thing he is doing. It builds trust and good-feeling.

what kind of man agrees to this?

This has to be a joke...right?

Lol! PP here. You should give it a try--you might get a kick out of it! Or yelling at each other in mutually unintelligible languages.