I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.

[Anonymous]

If you actually have the flu, you should not be going to the grocery store infecting other people. WTF, OP!

[Anonymous]

DH and I came home yesterday after a weekend away. I came down with the flu and was sick. We had a 3 hour drive on the way home and had multiple chores to do once getting home (unpacking, laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping.) I asked DH to clean the litter box when we came home. He chose to sit on the couch and check his emails because he was tired while I unpacked, did the laundry, took out the garbage and cleaned the cat box. He got upset with me when I started cleaning the cat box because he “was going to do it”, but he didn’t seem to indicate that he had any plans to do so as he literally plopped his suitcase in the middle of the room and sat down.

We went grocery shopping, and DH didn’t want what I was making (chicken soup) and asked me to make him a different soup: I cooked and cleaned up, then had to fold laundry. I was tired and sick and frustrated that DH wasn’t picking up any slack and asked him to make dinner. He thankfully did but I still ended cleaning up. He started whining that he needed help making his lunch for the next day. He also needed help setting up his iPhone because he couldn’t figure out how to restore it from iCloud.

In case anyone asks - yes I asked him for help multiple times. I had to repeat myself several times because he was either on his phone, on his laptop, or or watching TV and couldn’t “hear me.” If he was sick and had the flu I would certainly pick up the slack and take care of him rather than the other way around. I can’t imagone having a child with this man and him copping out when household tasks need to get done. He still “helps” with the house but rarely initiates cleaning and I always have to ask. Is it too much to ask for an active, engaged partner?

Man, you and I are different people. If I felt sick, I would ask DH to clean the cat box and then go upstairs, lie in bed, and watch TV and sleep.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, if you really had the flu you wouldn’t be worrying about laundry and litter boxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted him to do everything, why did you do it? You obviously weren’t that sick, if you were out grocery shopping (and exposing others to your illness needlessly) and cooking multiple meals. If you were really sick and needed rest, you would’ve been in bed.

When we get home from a trip, we’re spent. No one wants to jump right into chores. The last thing I want to do when I’m well is start looking for work to do right after I get home from traveling. The second to last thing I want to do is nag DH or make him feel guilty for not jumping right in either. If I’m sick with the actual flu, you can bet I’m going straight to bed, because everyone knows you need rest more than you need to unpack and do laundry. If you have the flu, you’re probably not going to work tomorrow anyway, unless you’re a sadist who likes to take down the entire office, so laundry isn’t necessary anyway. I’m also assuming you have more than 4 outfits.

This. All of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but I have to say, a lot of this is just a matter of male vs. female priorities.

You felt compelled to have all of the regular chores done despite your illness. If he were sick, he would just let the laundry pile up and the probably even the cat litter, frankly.

I completely understand why you want him to pick up the slack on things that matter to you while you are sick, but being incredulous about his not automatically doing so is going to make your situation worse not better.

Go park yourself in bed and ask him to do x, y, and z. Keep it short and sweet and don't be angry about having to ask. Let him do it his way.

I have been through all of what you are describing with my own husband and things have gotten A LOT better, so there is hope. Start with ditching the outrage.

While I do agree with the above, I think it's really hard to change someone--she has a lot of work to do and this is an uphill battle. This is what I want to impress on OP--that the problem is, when you have kids, they model your and his behavior. So let's say you have three kids. Now you are really the maid, because they have learned from their father to not help, even when you are sick.

With exceptions of course, if a kid sees one parent slacking and one working, they model after the one slacking, because who chooses to be Cinderella when you could choose to be the step-sister?

If you decide to have kids, please make sure you have enough money to have a maid come. Many a marriage has been saved by outsourcing the housework and avoiding the fairness fight. (and I used to be a conflict resolution consultant. I am not generally an avoider. But it's important to recognize when it makes sense to avoid.)

[Anonymous]

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN... not it won't get better and you will be parenting and doing it all on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you actually have the flu, you should not be going to the grocery store infecting other people. WTF, OP!

OP didn’t have the flu. She had the sniffles and was being dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Wow, the misogyny on this thread is rampant. I’m with you, OP. He should have upped his game and pitched in more. I bet he’s the kind of guy who says ‘yeah, I’ll do it later’ and later never comes. Definitely don’t have kids with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the misogyny on this thread is rampant. I’m with you, OP. He should have upped his game and pitched in more. I bet he’s the kind of guy who says ‘yeah, I’ll do it later’ and later never comes. Definitely don’t have kids with him.

NP. People are saying she should have stayed in bed, not that she should have done these chores. How's that misogynistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the misogyny on this thread is rampant. I’m with you, OP. He should have upped his game and pitched in more. I bet he’s the kind of guy who says ‘yeah, I’ll do it later’ and later never comes. Definitely don’t have kids with him.

NP. People are saying she should have stayed in bed, not that she should have done these chores. How's that misogynistic?

Oh come on, there is tons of name calling (anal, control freak) and blaming her, even doubting the severity of her illness and shaming her for going out shopping when she needed to eat. Sorry I had to spell it out for you, you must be conditioned to accept misogyny
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the misogyny on this thread is rampant. I’m with you, OP. He should have upped his game and pitched in more. I bet he’s the kind of guy who says ‘yeah, I’ll do it later’ and later never comes. Definitely don’t have kids with him.

NP. People are saying she should have stayed in bed, not that she should have done these chores. How's that misogynistic?

Oh come on, there is tons of name calling (anal, control freak) and blaming her, even doubting the severity of her illness and shaming her for going out shopping when she needed to eat. Sorry I had to spell it out for you, you must be conditioned to accept misogyny
.

That’s not misogyny: I do the same thing to my husband when he has a man cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the misogyny on this thread is rampant. I’m with you, OP. He should have upped his game and pitched in more. I bet he’s the kind of guy who says ‘yeah, I’ll do it later’ and later never comes. Definitely don’t have kids with him.

NP. People are saying she should have stayed in bed, not that she should have done these chores. How's that misogynistic?

Oh come on, there is tons of name calling (anal, control freak) and blaming her, even doubting the severity of her illness and shaming her for going out shopping when she needed to eat. Sorry I had to spell it out for you, you must be conditioned to accept misogyny
.

Or maybe OP's an anal retentive control freak. Some of those people are women you know. Is pointing that out inflaming your SJW sensitivities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the misogyny on this thread is rampant. I’m with you, OP. He should have upped his game and pitched in more. I bet he’s the kind of guy who says ‘yeah, I’ll do it later’ and later never comes. Definitely don’t have kids with him.

NP. People are saying she should have stayed in bed, not that she should have done these chores. How's that misogynistic?

Oh come on, there is tons of name calling (anal, control freak) and blaming her, even doubting the severity of her illness and shaming her for going out shopping when she needed to eat. Sorry I had to spell it out for you, you must be conditioned to accept misogyny
.

people who have flu are physically incapable of shopping, cooking and performing numerous other household chores. that's just a fact. OP was not diagnosed by a doctor - she self diagnosed and it's clear that her self diagnosis is incorrect. the same would be true if she were a man.

OP also created a long list of must do chores all to be done during an evening after a trip. her husband disnt think those chores were urgent. many of us agree with this. why must he treat them as an emergency just because OP feels they must be done now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the misogyny on this thread is rampant. I’m with you, OP. He should have upped his game and pitched in more. I bet he’s the kind of guy who says ‘yeah, I’ll do it later’ and later never comes. Definitely don’t have kids with him.

NP. People are saying she should have stayed in bed, not that she should have done these chores. How's that misogynistic?

Oh come on, there is tons of name calling (anal, control freak) and blaming her, even doubting the severity of her illness and shaming her for going out shopping when she needed to eat. Sorry I had to spell it out for you, you must be conditioned to accept misogyny
.

I am a woman and I am on Team DH here. How is that misogyny? Or did you just feel the need to whip out the buzzword du jour?

[Anonymous]

You think it's bad when you're sick. You can't imagine what it's like to care for kids who are frequently sick or to suffer unrelenting sleep deprivation while your DH snoozes away. In the end the thing that will bring you the greatest joy is fantasizing about stabbing him and flaying him. For years your hatred will be boundless. Don't end up like me.