Empty Nester Sex - does it get better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soon to be empty-nesters after 30 years. I've heard every excuse known, especially the presence of others in the house. Yes, sex when we're away at a hotel/motel happens, so maybe there's hope.

For various reasons, the chance of any break-up in our marriage is slim-to-none. I will remain married because of my integrity, and loyalty to her family. We've remained together even through an affair of hers about 7 years ago. I have the ability to forgive, and know that none of us are perfect.

An empty nest will be a big test of our relationship, and the coupled hope that we'll be drawn closer. If our relationship doesn't more frequently become
intimate, then I'm afraid I've finally seen the "writing on the wall". Knowing that incompatibility and mistaken love was present all these years.

The writing is already on the wall, you just choose to not read it.

Never, ever, blamed myself. Was told by many female friends about 7 years ago that if I chose to cut ties, I would quickly fine happiness in a relationship. Been told that I've aged well at this mid-fifties point, and that open-mindedness was a great quality.

One day, maybe 6 months from now, I'll come back to this thread with an update. I'd like to offer some perspective as to why a long term relationship ends, or why a marriage gains strength when the nest empties. The final test is quickly approaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never let kids living under our roof get in the way of our having sex though it certainly made sex more subdued since when we were alone it was always quite “enthusiastic”. Now as empty nesters we don’t worry about anything and the enjoyment level has really increased.

Replies like this give me hope.

Me too! We've got three teens under roof and we know the walls have ears. I look forward to not having to lock the door and holding my breath! I'm sure they know we have a sex life but I try not to advertise it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soon to be empty-nesters after 30 years. I've heard every excuse known, especially the presence of others in the house. Yes, sex when we're away at a hotel/motel happens, so maybe there's hope.

For various reasons, the chance of any break-up in our marriage is slim-to-none. I will remain married because of my integrity, and loyalty to her family. We've remained together even through an affair of hers about 7 years ago. I have the ability to forgive, and know that none of us are perfect.

An empty nest will be a big test of our relationship, and the coupled hope that we'll be drawn closer. If our relationship doesn't more frequently become
intimate, then I'm afraid I've finally seen the "writing on the wall". Knowing that incompatibility and mistaken love was present all these years.

The writing is already on the wall, you just choose to not read it.

Never, ever, blamed myself. Was told by many female friends about 7 years ago that if I chose to cut ties, I would quickly fine happiness in a relationship. Been told that I've aged well at this mid-fifties point, and that open-mindedness was a great quality.

One day, maybe 6 months from now, I'll come back to this thread with an update. I'd like to offer some perspective as to why a long term relationship ends, or why a marriage gains strength when the nest empties. The final test is quickly approaching.

How many close female friends do you have? Maybe your wife didn't like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soon to be empty-nesters after 30 years. I've heard every excuse known, especially the presence of others in the house. Yes, sex when we're away at a hotel/motel happens, so maybe there's hope.

For various reasons, the chance of any break-up in our marriage is slim-to-none. I will remain married because of my integrity, and loyalty to her family. We've remained together even through an affair of hers about 7 years ago. I have the ability to forgive, and know that none of us are perfect.

An empty nest will be a big test of our relationship, and the coupled hope that we'll be drawn closer. If our relationship doesn't more frequently become
intimate, then I'm afraid I've finally seen the "writing on the wall". Knowing that incompatibility and mistaken love was present all these years.

The writing is already on the wall, you just choose to not read it.

Never, ever, blamed myself. Was told by many female friends about 7 years ago that if I chose to cut ties, I would quickly fine happiness in a relationship. Been told that I've aged well at this mid-fifties point, and that open-mindedness was a great quality.

One day, maybe 6 months from now, I'll come back to this thread with an update. I'd like to offer some perspective as to why a long term relationship ends, or why a marriage gains strength when the nest empties. The final test is quickly approaching.

How many close female friends do you have? Maybe your wife didn't like that.

I didn't say that I had "close" female friends. Just ones that knew of the infidelity through other peoples knowledge, and cared for my well-being. I never spread this news to anyone. And above all, I did not want, and will never want to break any kind of trust in my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never let kids living under our roof get in the way of our having sex though it certainly made sex more subdued since when we were alone it was always quite “enthusiastic”. Now as empty nesters we don’t worry about anything and the enjoyment level has really increased.

Replies like this give me hope.

Me too! We've got three teens under roof and we know the walls have ears. I look forward to not having to lock the door and holding my breath! I'm sure they know we have a sex life but I try not to advertise it.

I remember being a teenager and I was pretty sure if the TV volume in my parents bedroom was pretty loud then I knew they were up to something. I didn't get confirmation until a few years ago when I mentioned that now as a mother privacy was at a premium and she said "turn your TV up". When I said "I knew it" she said "it's so nice not to have to do that anymore" which was a bit TMI for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never let kids living under our roof get in the way of our having sex though it certainly made sex more subdued since when we were alone it was always quite “enthusiastic”. Now as empty nesters we don’t worry about anything and the enjoyment level has really increased.

Replies like this give me hope.

Me too! We've got three teens under roof and we know the walls have ears. I look forward to not having to lock the door and holding my breath! I'm sure they know we have a sex life but I try not to advertise it.

I remember being a teenager and I was pretty sure if the TV volume in my parents bedroom was pretty loud then I knew they were up to something. I didn't get confirmation until a few years ago when I mentioned that now as a mother privacy was at a premium and she said "turn your TV up". When I said "I knew it" she said "it's so nice not to have to do that anymore" which was a bit TMI for me.

So that wasn’t your father who yelled “Heeeeere’s Johnny!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are early teens, so I don't have any direct experience here. I think it's really going to depend on whether the presence of kids is the limiting factor in you having sex.

It seems similar to when I was holding out for the kids to get to school age in the hopes of our sex life improving. My wife told me it was the pressures of watching kids all day that sapped her sex drive. Turns out, that wasn't it. The kids went to school, she was only on her own with the kids from 3 - 5:30, and her sex drive didn't improve at all. So, it turns out she was wrong about what was sapping her sex drive.

But, that's just one guy's story -- and it's not even the same thing exactly. My advice would be to make a direct effort to turn your sex life into whatever you want when your youngest heads off to college. Don't just hope it happens.

Were you coming home for nooners?

Because the evening shift is the worst and zaps me of all sexual energy. But right after drop-off?? I’m down!

Of course DH isn’t able to do this and so we don’t have sex much. When on vacation, though!? Different story. ,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just go in the shower at night with your husband and tell him to bang the crap out of you?
Lock the door, water on, no worries.

There must be some logistical details that I am missing, but shower sex has never been enjoyable. Can never get comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just go in the shower at night with your husband and tell him to bang the crap out of you?
Lock the door, water on, no worries.

There must be some logistical details that I am missing, but shower sex has never been enjoyable. Can never get comfortable.

Agreed. But it makes period sex easy and is a way to have a quickie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just go in the shower at night with your husband and tell him to bang the crap out of you?
Lock the door, water on, no worries.

There must be some logistical details that I am missing, but shower sex has never been enjoyable. Can never get comfortable.

I agree - we always worry about slipping on the tile and crashing through the door. But showering and soaping each other up is a wonderful prelude to the main event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soon to be empty-nesters after 30 years. I've heard every excuse known, especially the presence of others in the house. Yes, sex when we're away at a hotel/motel happens, so maybe there's hope.

For various reasons, the chance of any break-up in our marriage is slim-to-none. I will remain married because of my integrity, and loyalty to her family. We've remained together even through an affair of hers about 7 years ago. I have the ability to forgive, and know that none of us are perfect.

An empty nest will be a big test of our relationship, and the coupled hope that we'll be drawn closer. If our relationship doesn't more frequently become
intimate, then I'm afraid I've finally seen the "writing on the wall". Knowing that incompatibility and mistaken love was present all these years.

The writing is already on the wall, you just choose to not read it.

Never, ever, blamed myself. Was told by many female friends about 7 years ago that if I chose to cut ties, I would quickly fine happiness in a relationship. Been told that I've aged well at this mid-fifties point, and that open-mindedness was a great quality.

One day, maybe 6 months from now, I'll come back to this thread with an update. I'd like to offer some perspective as to why a long term relationship ends, or why a marriage gains strength when the nest empties. The final test is quickly approaching.

Wow. I could have written almost all of this. I have no doubt I could find happiness in another relationship, and have had opportunities to cheat with divorced HS friends but have not.

I am skeptical we will reconnect sexually when the next empties next year. But if I can't connect sexually with her, I will with someone. As I explained to my wife, sexual needs are not wrong.

[Anonymous]

Empty nest sex does get better but only if full nest sex is pretty good. If the sex is lousy or non-existent and the excuse is being too tired or the kids will hear us then an empty nest is not going to be a solution to the problem. It takes desire to have a good sex life and while a full nest is a barrier for many it’s just an easy excuse to avoid discussing the underlying problem. When our nest was full we always had the desire but the full nest was often challenging so being empty nesters has been a good thing for our sex lives even though I do miss the full nest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soon to be empty-nesters after 30 years. I've heard every excuse known, especially the presence of others in the house. Yes, sex when we're away at a hotel/motel happens, so maybe there's hope.

For various reasons, the chance of any break-up in our marriage is slim-to-none. I will remain married because of my integrity, and loyalty to her family. We've remained together even through an affair of hers about 7 years ago. I have the ability to forgive, and know that none of us are perfect.

An empty nest will be a big test of our relationship, and the coupled hope that we'll be drawn closer. If our relationship doesn't more frequently become
intimate, then I'm afraid I've finally seen the "writing on the wall". Knowing that incompatibility and mistaken love was present all these years.

The writing is already on the wall, you just choose to not read it.

Sadly all too true I’m sure. He can try to salvage the remaining years of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soon to be empty-nesters after 30 years. I've heard every excuse known, especially the presence of others in the house. Yes, sex when we're away at a hotel/motel happens, so maybe there's hope.

For various reasons, the chance of any break-up in our marriage is slim-to-none. I will remain married because of my integrity, and loyalty to her family. We've remained together even through an affair of hers about 7 years ago. I have the ability to forgive, and know that none of us are perfect.

An empty nest will be a big test of our relationship, and the coupled hope that we'll be drawn closer. If our relationship doesn't more frequently become
intimate, then I'm afraid I've finally seen the "writing on the wall". Knowing that incompatibility and mistaken love was present all these years.

The writing is already on the wall, you just choose to not read it.

Sadly all too true I’m sure. He can try to salvage the remaining years of his life.

It sounds like he’s already wasted a lot of years but it’s understandable when kids are still at home full time but still sad.

[Anonymous]

With a child in the house, a lot of 69 going on