In-laws not happy about third pregnancy

[Anonymous]

If I was the recipient of that nasty note, I would ensure that FIL would and could never email me again.

[Anonymous]

We have 2, a boy and a girl. Have never discussed the possibility of having a 3rd w our parents. Even so, my parents and his have each made comments to the effect of "its so nice you can stop having kids now that you have one of each!" I know 100% that they would say something negative if we ever did wind up having a 3rd (probably same type of comments you are getting, op, plus likely expressing concern about bringing another child into this messed up world). It would annoy me just as it has annoyed you but I would also see that they were speaking out of genuine concern and that they would absolutely love the third child and be very happy once the baby was actually here. Yes, I think comments like that are generally rude and out of line and if they continue w the comments, then your husband should talk to them about it but for now I wouldn't respond. i doubt they are trying to upset you. If they are like my parents and in laws, they are probably just self absorbed and don't have enough awareness of others' feelings to realize how their comments are perceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was the recipient of that nasty note, I would ensure that FIL would and could never email me again.

You must not have many people in your life if your annoyance threshold is that low.

[Anonymous]

Op, do you complain to them? Have you or DH complained to them in the past, or taken any money from them? If you've ever used "the kids" as an excuse for being stressed, or not available, they might have been hoping for a calmer life for you in the future. But regardless - if you are completely, financially independent of them and ask no favors and don't whine about needing "support" (emotional or any other kind), just ignore. They don't understand your day-to-day life. No surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently told my DH's parents that we are pregnant. This will be our third and it was planned.

My MIL's reaction on the phone was: Oh. Wow. Congratulations I guess. It's going to be a lot of work! She has since kept her thoughts to herself.

But today I got a note from my father in law saying- three kids is not easy at all, so prepare yourself with good help or you guys will suffer the consequences.

I have a good relationship with my in-laws but they have to be "managed" My initial reaction to his e-mail was that I should respond to tell him that I don't want any more negative emails or thoughts or opinions from them. If they have nothing nice to say, then keep it to yourself!

Too harsh? Just ignore the e-mail and say nothing at all? I am not the type to pent up my feelings-- and this e-mail doesn't bother me that much, but I think that I need to nip this in the bud or the comments will keep coming.

Thoughts??

They sound like they're being realistic, not negative.

Eff that, they're being completely rude. That's a ridiculous and inappropriate reaction to a happy pregnancy announcement. OP I agree it's probably just your MIL angsting all day(I have one of those too...ugh.), but I would also be pretty offended. I think I'd have my husband draft a polite but strongly worded response

Not everyone has to be happy about OP's pregnancy.

A) pretty sure you should, in most cases (and assuming financial / relationship stability, etc), be able to depend on your immediate family for at least a general joyous reaction (even if feigned...!)
B) I meant a "happy pregnancy announcement" as in the people making the announcement are happy about it ("I'm pregnant, we're excited!" versus "oh SH*T, I'm pregnant....")
B) you are either socially inept, or just trying to be antagonistic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Bob, Mary, I'm disappointed that you don't seem happy about your new grandchild. Please, if you don't have something nice to say, keep your opinions to yourself. This child was planned and is very much wanted. We don't ask you for babysitting or for financial assistance, so I'm not sure why you feel the need to weigh in with these unwelcome comments."

This is perfect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently told my DH's parents that we are pregnant. This will be our third and it was planned.

My MIL's reaction on the phone was: Oh. Wow. Congratulations I guess. It's going to be a lot of work! She has since kept her thoughts to herself.

But today I got a note from my father in law saying- three kids is not easy at all, so prepare yourself with good help or you guys will suffer the consequences.

I have a good relationship with my in-laws but they have to be "managed" My initial reaction to his e-mail was that I should respond to tell him that I don't want any more negative emails or thoughts or opinions from them. If they have nothing nice to say, then keep it to yourself!

Too harsh? Just ignore the e-mail and say nothing at all? I am not the type to pent up my feelings-- and this e-mail doesn't bother me that much, but I think that I need to nip this in the bud or the comments will keep coming.

Thoughts??

They sound like they're being realistic, not negative.

Eff that, they're being completely rude. That's a ridiculous and inappropriate reaction to a happy pregnancy announcement. OP I agree it's probably just your MIL angsting all day(I have one of those too...ugh.), but I would also be pretty offended. I think I'd have my husband draft a polite but strongly worded response

Not everyone has to be happy about OP's pregnancy.

Haha sounds like we hit too close to home...are you seeing yourself in the whole angsting MIL annoying the hell of out of your son / DIL thing?

[Anonymous]

OP, is your marriage in trouble?
Has it ever been in trouble?

[Anonymous]

Addiction? Adultery? Abuse?
any of those??

[Anonymous]

I had a boy and a girl. We decided we wanted a third. When we told my MIL, she asked me why I wqnted to ruin my perfect family. I just rsponded that we were thrilled about Baby #3. Whenever she said anything negative during my pregnancy, i responded by telling her how excited we were for this baby. Today, that baby is 4, and is adored by my MIL.

Ignore the email and comments, or just respond by expressing how happy you are. It sounds like they are concerned about how you will do it, even if thy are expressing it horribly. But they'll fall in love with the baby and it will end up not being a big deal in the long run.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

1) we are financially independent,
2) we never claim to be stressed or overwhelmed because we aren't (and wouldn't have a 3rd if that were the case),
3) we do not rely on them for babysitting or other support because they are not in the DC dmv area,
4) my MIL is a very opinionated person who has almost no filter, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but this is a happy occasion and I suppose I was overly optimistic that she would have a good reaction. I usually just shut her down and am very direct with her, but chose to ignore her initial comment.
5) by FIL usually just goes with whatever my MIL tells him. I am positive he is projecting her concerns,
6) we have two demanding careers but my job is fairly flexible-- so between the flexible schedule and our help at home, we are fine,

I have chosen to ignore my FIL's comment for now. I will give him the benefit of the doubt that it was just one off-hand comment. If either of them negatively comments again, either I or DH will shut them down. We are grown adults with stable careers, a nice house (in the city- so good commutes), and two well behaved children. It isn't as though we have given them a reason to doubt our abilities to handle another child. So it is particularly aggravating that they feel at liberty to be negative about this happy occasion when they will not be impacted at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 2, a boy and a girl. Have never discussed the possibility of having a 3rd w our parents. Even so, my parents and his have each made comments to the effect of "its so nice you can stop having kids now that you have one of each!" I know 100% that they would say something negative if we ever did wind up having a 3rd (probably same type of comments you are getting, op, plus likely expressing concern about bringing another child into this messed up world). It would annoy me just as it has annoyed you but I would also see that they were speaking out of genuine concern and that they would absolutely love the third child and be very happy once the baby was actually here. Yes, I think comments like that are generally rude and out of line and if they continue w the comments, then your husband should talk to them about it but for now I wouldn't respond. i doubt they are trying to upset you. If they are like my parents and in laws, they are probably just self absorbed and don't have enough awareness of others' feelings to realize how their comments are perceived.

Yes to self-absorbed and they sound like typical baby boomer condescending, self-absorbed know it alls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many children does your MIL have? This might be an insecurity thing. I've seen some women (not most certainly) get weirdly threatened by another woman having more kids, particularly if that woman also has a great career. It's like you are showing off or showing them up by making different choices (ridiculous I know, but some people get super weird about woman who are successful both at motherhood and professionally).

This, exactly! Just ignore. And, congratulations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Bob, Mary, I'm disappointed that you don't seem happy about your new grandchild. Please, if you don't have something nice to say, keep your opinions to yourself. This child was planned and is very much wanted. We don't ask you for babysitting or for financial assistance, so I'm not sure why you feel the need to weigh in with these unwelcome comments."

This is perfect

Yes, this, OP. Or you can just start the slow freeze out. I've been married 14 years and shortly after our first was born I just stopped responding to MILs calls and emails because it was all bossy and judgmental. Even when she visits I keep the conversation as superficial as possible. Compared to the early years of my relationship with her it is complete bliss.

[Anonymous]

We had some people freak out on us when we announced our third. Not family, but many friends did. Some people seem to have this preset notion that the only "normal" number of kids is two and to have more or fewer makes you "abnormal." Whatever, they are missing out. I love our three!

If they bring up their opinions again be sure to get your DH to shut them down
.