Things you do 'your way' and parents/ILs disapprove

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They disagree on so many things I wouldn't know where to begin. I'm nothing like them and I'm living my own life. I figured this out when I was in my 20s and dealing with endless disapproval, and 30 years later, it's been a good attitude.

This except I'm only 34.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When our car was totaled (oh, the things that happen when you park on the street in DC!) and we decided not to replace it, MIL flipped out. The words "But you can't live without a car!" actually came out of her mouth. She went so far as to call my mother in a desperate attempt to get her to intervene and "stop this ridiculous thinking."

My mother comments EVERY DAMN TIME she visits about our lack of microwave.

Both of them think there's something deeply wrong with us living in a small rowhouse in the city. "Don't you wish you had more space?" No. "Ugh, I can't believe you're okay having people on either side of you." It's a rowhouse, kinda how this whole thing works. "I don't understand how all this noise doesn't make you nervous." Because it doesn't. "Why can't you be like your sister a buy a normal house in a normal neighborhood?" I'd sooner slit my wrists than live in the far flung reaches of outer suburbia in a cookie cutter house circa 1992.

Great to live like this. Annoying AF to be a visitor in this type of scenario. (Which is why they should hotel/Uber/rent a car, whatever, instead of commenting on your life, but still. No one actually wants to sleep on an air mattress in a 10x10 "den.")

This. And I live in a condo in Eastern Market.

[Anonymous]

One approach -- don't make your difficulties the point of discussion. and don't be financially dependent on them in any way.
When people are invested, especially financially, they will have an opinion.

[Anonymous]

Mom- how do you not have 3 meals a day. As in cook 3 meals a day. With at least 3 sides and dessert.

Mom-12:30pm, what are we having for lunch?
Me- well we just ate brunch at 11 sooo.. no lunch!

[Anonymous]

Not going to church and not keeping my house clean. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Ask them to not give advice beyond what they would give to a friend. The goal is to transition to being equal adults (and that works only if you are not financially dependent on them in any way) You can insist on the respect of an equal. If they would not give unsolicited advice or comment to a friend, they should not be giving it to you.

[Anonymous]

Vaccinating the kids and getting annual flu shots. Apparently this is insane. Even if my son has asthma.

My mom makes a HUGE deal of this EVERY YEAR.

[Anonymous]

Made this mistake of mentioning what our mortgage was and my parents could not let go of their horror of what is was (forget that it was then less than 25% of our take home - so certainly within the idea of staying at 25% of gross!) For years they would talk about - and never factoring in that our salaries continued to rise.
Also they, despite being educators, basically snicker at our applying for transfer into better school and now youngest going to private.
Like PP said their dismissal of my concerns seem like they don't respect the person I am on one hand and yet on the other lavish praise on what great kids and family we have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When our car was totaled (oh, the things that happen when you park on the street in DC!) and we decided not to replace it, MIL flipped out. The words "But you can't live without a car!" actually came out of her mouth. She went so far as to call my mother in a desperate attempt to get her to intervene and "stop this ridiculous thinking."

My mother comments EVERY DAMN TIME she visits about our lack of microwave.

Both of them think there's something deeply wrong with us living in a small rowhouse in the city. "Don't you wish you had more space?" No. "Ugh, I can't believe you're okay having people on either side of you." It's a rowhouse, kinda how this whole thing works. "I don't understand how all this noise doesn't make you nervous." Because it doesn't. "Why can't you be like your sister a buy a normal house in a normal neighborhood?" I'd sooner slit my wrists than live in the far flung reaches of outer suburbia in a cookie cutter house circa 1992.

Does it make you feel like your parents don't know you at all when they make comments like this? My parents didn't understand me and I sort of felt like they didn't like me because I had a life very different from theirs.

Yes! And that my different choices are somehow an attack on them (same with in-laws). It's exhausting to have to deal with this stuff every. damn. visit. I get it, you don't understand or outright disagree with my choices. Shut. Up. I don't run my mouth about how you choose to live your life, even if I think it's incredibly wasteful and contributing to the demise of the planet.

As to the PP who thinks I stick guests on an air mattress in the "den": we have a guest room with a full bed. If they don't like what I'm offering, they're welcome to stay elsewhere. I'd do cartwheels if they stayed in a hotel, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask them to not give advice beyond what they would give to a friend. The goal is to transition to being equal adults (and that works only if you are not financially dependent on them in any way) You can insist on the respect of an equal. If they would not give unsolicited advice or comment to a friend, they should not be giving it to you.

My mom would give unsolicited advice to the Pope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask them to not give advice beyond what they would give to a friend. The goal is to transition to being equal adults (and that works only if you are not financially dependent on them in any way) You can insist on the respect of an equal. If they would not give unsolicited advice or comment to a friend, they should not be giving it to you.

My mom would give unsolicited advice to the Pope.

My mom would too! She totally does it to everyone, including the barista at Dtarbucks.

[Anonymous]

Do they disapprove? I don't know. I tune them out and do my thing. On the rare instance that I can remember them giving opinions or whatever, I just nod and "uh huh. Well, this is what we're doing." Move on. Boundary established. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They disagree on so many things I wouldn't know where to begin. I'm nothing like them and I'm living my own life. I figured this out when I was in my 20s and dealing with endless disapproval, and 30 years later, it's been a good attitude.

This except I'm only 34.

+2

Excellent advice. Spot on. Are you in a mixed marriage, PP? I am, and this is the only way it works RE: the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both parents and ILs think I'm weird and rigid about ensuring that my 4yo and 1.5yo both get good naps, even during visits and on vacation. Then, in the same conversation, they marvel at how well-behaved and calm my girls always are. Huh...could it be that they are well-rested?

Yes, my ILs get ANGRY about my children's naps! Yet they never want to go do anything, so it's like "why do you care that they are sleeping when we're just sitting in the living room not doing anything anyway??"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both parents and ILs think I'm weird and rigid about ensuring that my 4yo and 1.5yo both get good naps, even during visits and on vacation. Then, in the same conversation, they marvel at how well-behaved and calm my girls always are. Huh...could it be that they are well-rested?

Yes, my ILs get ANGRY about my children's naps! Yet they never want to go do anything, so it's like "why do you care that they are sleeping when we're just sitting in the living room not doing anything anyway??"

I am not rigid about the nap schedule per se, but I do insist that my 2yo nap every day. Preferably for 2-3 hours. When we are together, they ask every 15 minutes if they can wake her up. She's been sleeping so long! If she sleeps longer than an hour, there are near constant comments about how this must be her longest nap ever, she must not have slept well the night before, etc. we aren't keeping them from doing anything, they just want to wake her up to play, but then they don't actually want to play.