Different treatment of step siblings

[Anonymous]

Your children will learn how to help you, a non- perfect person, when you are elderly, by how you treat your own non-perfect parents. If you make excuses about not helping an elderly parent, because the steps were treated better, then they will learn how to come up with some excuse, not to help you, when you are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your children will learn how to help you, a non- perfect person, when you are elderly, by how you treat your own non-perfect parents. If you make excuses about not helping an elderly parent, because the steps were treated better, then they will learn how to come up with some excuse, not to help you, when you are older.

Ugh. Not this crap again. You have to accept crappy behavior from your parents or your own kids will not love and help you. Cue the inter generational dysfunction...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is choosing a peaceful household over what's fair to his child. There's nothing that you can do about this except focus on your own happiness and peace.
People can be disappointing, and you just have to move on from that. The more you dwell on unfairness or unmet expectations, the worse you will feel.
Have a civll relationship with your father and stepmother and keep them at arm's length so that it's not so hurtful. Focus on yourself.

+1

Best advice on here OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your children will learn how to help you, a non- perfect person, when you are elderly, by how you treat your own non-perfect parents. If you make excuses about not helping an elderly parent, because the steps were treated better, then they will learn how to come up with some excuse, not to help you, when you are older.

Ugh. Not this crap again. You have to accept crappy behavior from your parents or your own kids will not love and help you. Cue the inter generational dysfunction...

The problem is defining what is crappy behavior from your parents and whether or not helping those parents sets a good or poor example for your kids. If you received help, from a parent, but use the excuse, that this parent did more for their stepchildren, then is that a valid excuse not to help? Generational dysfunction usually involves more serious issues than debating who received the most help from a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is choosing a peaceful household over what's fair to his child. There's nothing that you can do about this except focus on your own happiness and peace.
People can be disappointing, and you just have to move on from that. The more you dwell on unfairness or unmet expectations, the worse you will feel.
Have a civll relationship with your father and stepmother and keep them at arm's length so that it's not so hurtful. Focus on yourself.

+1

Best advice on here OP.

A man who has already had at least one failed marriage may place a higher value on having a peaceful household. His child is an adult now so why should that not be a priority for him. Would OP feel better if he went through another divorce and possibly remarried again? It is good advice for OP to focus on her own life while still being civil to them. Her dad might be caught up in an enmeshed stepfamily. If that is the case then she should be grateful to be independent from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP. I hear a person who had her college tuition paid for, who had her dad heels her get a car and pay for half of it, and whose dad paid for half of her wedding! AND you stand to inherit when he dies!!!! Do you realize how privileged you are?

Maybe your step siblings get more because they’re appreciative and not entitled. Maybe they get more because your dad now has more income. Maybe they get more because he’s trying to buy their affection. Maybe they get more because you treat your stepmom like excrement and your dad is tired of dealing with your resentment. Who knows.

The fact is, it’s his money. He has paid for a LOT in your life that most of us don’t get. How about appreciating what you have rather than counting other people’s money?[/quot

If I’m the stepmom, I would make sure OP gets nothing

Okay, Lady Tremaine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your children will learn how to help you, a non- perfect person, when you are elderly, by how you treat your own non-perfect parents. If you make excuses about not helping an elderly parent, because the steps were treated better, then they will learn how to come up with some excuse, not to help you, when you are older.

Ugh. Not this crap again. You have to accept crappy behavior from your parents or your own kids will not love and help you. Cue the inter generational dysfunction...

The problem is defining what is crappy behavior from your parents and whether or not helping those parents sets a good or poor example for your kids. If you received help, from a parent, but use the excuse, that this parent did more for their stepchildren, then is that a valid excuse not to help? Generational dysfunction usually involves more serious issues than debating who received the most help from a parent.

I’m speaking about the larger philosophy, not this particular situation. That said, OP’s father has prioritized his stepchildren...therefore they should shoulder the majority of elder care. If it’s illogical that OP shouldn’t receive favor because she’s her father’s biological child...the same logic applies that he shouldn’t receive primary elder care from said child because they are biological offspring. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is choosing a peaceful household over what's fair to his child. There's nothing that you can do about this except focus on your own happiness and peace.
People can be disappointing, and you just have to move on from that. The more you dwell on unfairness or unmet expectations, the worse you will feel.
Have a civll relationship with your father and stepmother and keep them at arm's length so that it's not so hurtful. Focus on yourself.

+1

Best advice on here OP.

A man who has already had at least one failed marriage may place a higher value on having a peaceful household. His child is an adult now so why should that not be a priority for him. Would OP feel better if he went through another divorce and possibly remarried again? It is good advice for OP to focus on her own life while still being civil to them. Her dad might be caught up in an enmeshed stepfamily. If that is the case then she should be grateful to be independent from them.

Totally agree. Also, OP, you should fully expect your step siblings will step up and handle majority of the elder care. And let them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is choosing a peaceful household over what's fair to his child. There's nothing that you can do about this except focus on your own happiness and peace.
People can be disappointing, and you just have to move on from that. The more you dwell on unfairness or unmet expectations, the worse you will feel.
Have a civll relationship with your father and stepmother and keep them at arm's length so that it's not so hurtful. Focus on yourself.

+1

Best advice on here OP.

A man who has already had at least one failed marriage may place a higher value on having a peaceful household. His child is an adult now so why should that not be a priority for him. Would OP feel better if he went through another divorce and possibly remarried again? It is good advice for OP to focus on her own life while still being civil to them. Her dad might be caught up in an enmeshed stepfamily. If that is the case then she should be grateful to be independent from them.

Totally agree. Also, OP, you should fully expect your step siblings will step up and handle majority of the elder care. And let them.

Why is OP so resentful when it’s clear that her dad sees her steps as his own? Isn’t that the tune DCUM sings? That bio and steps should not be differentiated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is choosing a peaceful household over what's fair to his child. There's nothing that you can do about this except focus on your own happiness and peace.
People can be disappointing, and you just have to move on from that. The more you dwell on unfairness or unmet expectations, the worse you will feel.
Have a civll relationship with your father and stepmother and keep them at arm's length so that it's not so hurtful. Focus on yourself.

+1

Best advice on here OP.

A man who has already had at least one failed marriage may place a higher value on having a peaceful household. His child is an adult now so why should that not be a priority for him. Would OP feel better if he went through another divorce and possibly remarried again? It is good advice for OP to focus on her own life while still being civil to them. Her dad might be caught up in an enmeshed stepfamily. If that is the case then she should be grateful to be independent from them.

Totally agree. Also, OP, you should fully expect your step siblings will step up and handle majority of the elder care. And let them.

Why is OP so resentful when it’s clear that her dad sees her steps as his own? Isn’t that the tune DCUM sings? That bio and steps should not be differentiated

OP’s father did differentiate. He’s treated his step kids as greater than.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is choosing a peaceful household over what's fair to his child. There's nothing that you can do about this except focus on your own happiness and peace.
People can be disappointing, and you just have to move on from that. The more you dwell on unfairness or unmet expectations, the worse you will feel.
Have a civll relationship with your father and stepmother and keep them at arm's length so that it's not so hurtful. Focus on yourself.

+1

Best advice on here OP.

A man who has already had at least one failed marriage may place a higher value on having a peaceful household. His child is an adult now so why should that not be a priority for him. Would OP feel better if he went through another divorce and possibly remarried again? It is good advice for OP to focus on her own life while still being civil to them. Her dad might be caught up in an enmeshed stepfamily. If that is the case then she should be grateful to be independent from them.

Totally agree. Also, OP, you should fully expect your step siblings will step up and handle majority of the elder care. And let them.

Why is OP so resentful when it’s clear that her dad sees her steps as his own? Isn’t that the tune DCUM sings? That bio and steps should not be differentiated

OP’s father did differentiate. He’s treated his step kids as greater than.

No, all three get one third of the estate. Also, I’m sure OP isn’t 100% truthful about her dad’s contribution to her in her teens and college years. Her stepmom stayed home and contributed to the upkeep of the house and I’m sure cleaned the house and cooked meals and took care of OP when she was sick, and all the thanks she gets is to be called ‘evil’ by the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is choosing a peaceful household over what's fair to his child. There's nothing that you can do about this except focus on your own happiness and peace.
People can be disappointing, and you just have to move on from that. The more you dwell on unfairness or unmet expectations, the worse you will feel.
Have a civll relationship with your father and stepmother and keep them at arm's length so that it's not so hurtful. Focus on yourself.

+1

Best advice on here OP.

A man who has already had at least one failed marriage may place a higher value on having a peaceful household. His child is an adult now so why should that not be a priority for him. Would OP feel better if he went through another divorce and possibly remarried again? It is good advice for OP to focus on her own life while still being civil to them. Her dad might be caught up in an enmeshed stepfamily. If that is the case then she should be grateful to be independent from them.

Totally agree. Also, OP, you should fully expect your step siblings will step up and handle majority of the elder care. And let them.

Why is OP so resentful when it’s clear that her dad sees her steps as his own? Isn’t that the tune DCUM sings? That bio and steps should not be differentiated

OP’s father did differentiate. He’s treated his step kids as greater than.

It was probably not his intention to treat them as greater than. He might have a lot to lose if he does not keep his wife happy. Men tend to lose more in divorces. OP getting a third of his assets might be more than she would get if he divorced and remarried again. He has made a provision for her instead of just leaving everything to his wife. He may have had to agree to give all three an equal amount for his wife to not insist that he leave everything to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:count yourself lucky that you are slated to get 1/3 of his estate. 100% of it could be going to your stepmother who could conveniently cut you completely out of her will, leaving you with a big fat zero. You should be thanking your father for planning to make sure you are considered and taken care of in case he passes away before your step-mother.

+100

Happens all the time!

[Anonymous]

I realize this is an old thread that was bumped, but I don't understand how OP's own mother apparently gets a pass? Sounds like she moved away and OP stayed with her father. Maybe he expected his ex-wife to provide some support to his daughter. OP only mentions what she feels her father owes her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've got to let this go. My DH had two, I had two, we had one together. WE have five kids. I was a SAHM. The kids are adults. OUR money is evenly split between OUR five kids in our wills. There is no step vs bio. We have been married over 20 years.

It makes my DH's ex crazy. And the bitterness has kept her from moving on with her life. My DH is a high earner. She thinks the money should go mostly to her kids. But it doesn't work like that. We are a family. OUR kids will equally share what we leave.

Then aren’t your kids benefiting the most because they inherit from their dad and stepdad whereas his kids only inherit from him?