Different treatment of step siblings

[Anonymous]

Your dad is simply prioritizing the wishes of the woman he is currently married to over your feelings. It doesn't matter whether he sees it as fair or unfair, it is what it is and as long as your stepmom is in the picture nothing will change. Focus on your own family and try to let this go, with therapy if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken To your father about this op?

[Anonymous]

I don't have problem with the will but I do have a problem with the other stuff. Why is it the will gets divided evenly yet things like weddings and college are not? I would be furious and you should ask your dad why is not not willing to advocate for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before trying to discuss this again with your father, get to a good therapist.

+1

I was totally replaced by the new family. I understand your frustration. Figure it out with a therapist. It'll help. Then you can decide if you want to discuss it with your dad.

All these decisions are on your dad though. Your stepmom didn't make him give you less any more than you could've made him give you more. You both asked and he chose. It's a dick move, but it was his move to make, not hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else have a situation where their step siblings are treated differently by your parent and step parent vs how you are treated?

My parents divorced when I was 5 and my dad remarried when I was 10. My step mom has two kids who are 3 and 5 years younger than me. I never really got along with my step mother, but have a good relationship with my step siblings. They lived with my dad and step mom full time and but still saw their bio dad once a week (although he was a total deadbeat). I saw my mom on weekends because she moved to another town and it was too inconvenient with school.

Anyway, my issue is that my step siblings are treated very differently from me in terms of money, which is extremely frustrating since my dad is the one who works hard and makes money, and their mom has never worked. It has been this way since we were kids and only the inequality seems to be getting worse as we have gotten older. Some examples - when I turned 16 my parents made me buy a used car and get a job to pay them back for half of it, while both step siblings received brand new cars and didn't have to pay for any of it. I was fortunate that my father paid for my college, but again I had a part time job to pay for all living expenses/spending money, while both step siblings received full tuition and housing/spending money (they never had any jobs before the end of college). My dad paid for half of my wedding and made me and DH pay the other half, but paid for step sister's full wedding. And he has been footing the bill for my youngest step brother who has never had a real job (which includes buying him a house yet he wouldn't help me out with a down payment for my house when DH and I really could have used some help).

The last straw is that my dad recently re-did his will and is leaving 1/3 of his estate to each of us. This seems absurd to me since I am his biological child and the other two are not. I know all of them stems from my evil step mother, whom I have never gotten along with.

I have tried talking to my father about this but he doesn't want to hear it. Does anyone else think this is extremely unfair? Do you have a similar situation and how do you cope?

This comes up every now and again. I always give the same answer, and that answer is to remind adult children of the power they have over their parents.

OP, from what you write, you are now an adult who is 25+. Know that as time goes on and your father gets older, the time will come when he will need you more than you need him. Aging parents very much want to be around their children, and especially grandchildren. As they face the inevitable physical decline and death, they want more than anything to be surrounded by and share in the energy of young people. This takes their mind off death and old age.

When that time comes for your dad, feel free to reward him with your coldness and your distance. Actually, feel free to tell him that because of what he did throughout your lifetime, you love him less, and he will see less of you, and definitely less of your future children. You are his only chance for biological grandchildren. Do feel free to remind him of that. It sounds like stepchildren don't really see your father as their biodad, and my guess is that when they marry and procreate, the grandchild/grandparent relationship will be mostly between your stepmother and their children. Your dad will be an old man without grandchildren and without anyone young who cares about his existence. Tell him. But don't tell him in anger, tell him coldly. And then live it. You cannot undo what has been done to you, but your dad's punishment will be to watch his only biological child put more and more distance between them, and to stumble toward death without the comfort of his child and grandchildren. You have the power, you just don't know it yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have problem with the will but I do have a problem with the other stuff. Why is it the will gets divided evenly yet things like weddings and college are not? I would be furious and you should ask your dad why is not not willing to advocate for you?

The answer is pretty obvious, it's that he doesn't want any trouble with his wife, and is too pussy to stand his ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP should let it go. If the step sibs were biological sibs, such differences in treatment wouldn't be fair. Why is okay just because they're step siblings. I have no problem with equal treatment but that isn't what OP is describing. She should discuss her feelings with her father alone and seek therapy. Father is constantly placing wishes of step mother above his child. Not okay.

It may not be okay but there's nothing OP can do to change it. The only thing she can do is calmly inform her father of the consequences of her behavior, and then to live it.

[Anonymous]

You cope by envisaging your father as an old, lonely, sad man.

[Anonymous]

That sounds incredibly hurtful, OP. I'm sorry. I think reasonable minds can differ on the inheritance; that's your dad's business. But it's clearly different treatment in your stepsisters' favor on all those other things and that has got to hurt.

Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with your dad about it? Telling him it's not the money per se but the treatment?

In any case, you're listing things that go back to childhood. It's totally unfair what happened...but by continuing to react to it, you allow it to hurt you again and again. You've got to find a way to let go. It's unfair and it hurts.

What do you want now, realistically? For your dad to admit it and apologize? You can try that. But that still won't undo it. And even if you did get something from him, will it be enough--will the right words really undo the pain?

I think the only thing you can do for yourself is move on. Get some therapy to help. Focus on the positive.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I know this is several years old post. However I am in a similar situation. And I have been trying to work through the feelings for many years and even as an adult I struggle BIG time with it.

The step family came into my life when I was 16. Now that it has been many years they have been together and the step child is of driving age, they get a nearly brand new car. It's really not a big deal, except my father made my mom split everything with him when it came to us kids. Why is he not doing the same with his wife? I know, there are a lot of "legal" answers out there, but we aren't talking about "legal" we are talking about what's FAIR.

I know how it feels when it comes to this stuff. Therapy would help a lot, talking to the parent would help a lot. But what can blended families do in the future to prevent this. The mental health issues that come from these situation are really unfortunate. I'd be DEVASTATED if I knew my kids had to seek therapy because of the feelings they felt about me and my choices.

[Anonymous]

It's great your dad has helped you so much.

Try having even more inequality among full siblings.

Nothing you can do about it, it's not your money.

[Anonymous]

OP, grow up and decide to be a better human being than your Father. Go out into the world, support yourself completely --- financially --- and build a family the way it's suppose to be

This is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I know this is several years old post. However I am in a similar situation. And I have been trying to work through the feelings for many years and even as an adult I struggle BIG time with it.

The step family came into my life when I was 16. Now that it has been many years they have been together and the step child is of driving age, they get a nearly brand new car. It's really not a big deal, except my father made my mom split everything with him when it came to us kids. Why is he not doing the same with his wife? I know, there are a lot of "legal" answers out there, but we aren't talking about "legal" we are talking about what's FAIR.

I know how it feels when it comes to this stuff. Therapy would help a lot, talking to the parent would help a lot. But what can blended families do in the future to prevent this. The mental health issues that come from these situation are really unfortunate. I'd be DEVASTATED if I knew my kids had to seek therapy because of the feelings they felt about me and my choices.

Your post makes you sound spoiled. These are two different family situations. Your mom should split everything as you have two different parents. Your dad/step-mom may also have increased their income since you became an adult. If your Dad was paying child support and he split major expense with your mom, he did more than his share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I know this is several years old post. However I am in a similar situation. And I have been trying to work through the feelings for many years and even as an adult I struggle BIG time with it.

The step family came into my life when I was 16. Now that it has been many years they have been together and the step child is of driving age, they get a nearly brand new car. It's really not a big deal, except my father made my mom split everything with him when it came to us kids. Why is he not doing the same with his wife? I know, there are a lot of "legal" answers out there, but we aren't talking about "legal" we are talking about what's FAIR.

I know how it feels when it comes to this stuff. Therapy would help a lot, talking to the parent would help a lot. But what can blended families do in the future to prevent this. The mental health issues that come from these situation are really unfortunate. I'd be DEVASTATED if I knew my kids had to seek therapy because of the feelings they felt about me and my choices.

Uh. Because your mom was his ex and his current wife is his current wife! They share assets!

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. I hear a person who had her college tuition paid for, who had her dad heels her get a car and pay for half of it, and whose dad paid for half of her wedding! AND you stand to inherit when he dies!!!! Do you realize how privileged you are?

Maybe your step siblings get more because they’re appreciative and not entitled. Maybe they get more because your dad now has more income. Maybe they get more because he’s trying to buy their affection. Maybe they get more because you treat your stepmom like excrement and your dad is tired of dealing with your resentment. Who knows.

The fact is, it’s his money. He has paid for a LOT in your life that most of us don’t get. How about appreciating what you have rather than counting other people’s money?