Help me understand autism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thought: if you want to understand a disability, ask people with that disability about it, not parents of people with that disability. If you want to know what being blind is like, ask a blind person, not the parent of a blind person. Autism is no different.

Unfortunately I don't know any adult with autism!

May be autistic adults in this forum can answer if they can live independently , hold jobs, get married and have children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^
I ignore the behavior. I'm interested in knowing how to talk to the other children in the group about this apparent no-consequence bad behavior. Also, if this bad behavior is directed at another kid, I actually DON'T think it should be ignored. I think it's unfair to make one child suffer because another child has a disability. Again, what I am asking here is how to coach the other kids on how to deal with him. His parents aren't really helping in that regard. We like them but it is getting to a point where doing things with them is just not fun because inevitably some kid will get upset over something he does.

You just tell them that everyone's brain works differently and everyone's parent have different rules and different types of consequences for how they deal with behavior. I don't know why this is even a special needs question. This type of situation comes up with my NT kids and they don't question why every kid's parents reacts differently to the same type of behavior. Little Johnny who is on a sports team says bad words all the time. His parents ignore it. If DS says a bad word I immediately pull him from his activity and make him have a time out and when he gets home he loses a privilege. I have a friend who is very extreme and automatically makes her child lose a month of screen time if he utters a bad word. I think all of these approaches are fine and need to be tailored to the child.

One friend pushed my child and screamed at him during a sports practice recently. I saw the whole thing and my child did nothing to provoke this behavior. The other parent was there as well and did nothing and offered no apology. It kind of annoyed me but I don't judge. I'm sure they are dealing with it in their own way. My child knows not to judge and never said a word about the other parent not doing anything. He knows that if it had been the other way around he would have been in huge trouble.

I think the issue is your own attitude about how the parents handle their child is rubbing off on your children. If you don't agree with their parenting you shouldn't be friends. I would rather not have a "friend" who judges me like this.

So you are essentially saying that if the kid is difficult to be around, we should stop hanging out with them because it's my problem, not their's. Got it. With that attitude, he won't have any friends. It's not just me/my kids. Other friends in this friend group have voiced the same concerns. I get that everyone parents differently but if you want your kid to have friends, or for other parents to help their kids understand and navigate this friendship, you have to help us out. The things this particular kid does is not typical age appropriate behavior (abviously) which makes the other kids feel uneasy and a little freaked out/shocked, like they don't know what to do or how to react, so they have started ignoring/excluding/avoiding him. It's not so much judgment but frustration. We all want to help these kids remain friends but it's hard to do when he alienates everyone.

Don't you think if there was some magic way to parent out autism they would? Either you care enough about your relationship with the parents to deal with their difficult son or you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^
I ignore the behavior. I'm interested in knowing how to talk to the other children in the group about this apparent no-consequence bad behavior. Also, if this bad behavior is directed at another kid, I actually DON'T think it should be ignored. I think it's unfair to make one child suffer because another child has a disability. Again, what I am asking here is how to coach the other kids on how to deal with him. His parents aren't really helping in that regard. We like them but it is getting to a point where doing things with them is just not fun because inevitably some kid will get upset over something he does.

You just tell them that everyone's brain works differently and everyone's parent have different rules and different types of consequences for how they deal with behavior. I don't know why this is even a special needs question. This type of situation comes up with my NT kids and they don't question why every kid's parents reacts differently to the same type of behavior. Little Johnny who is on a sports team says bad words all the time. His parents ignore it. If DS says a bad word I immediately pull him from his activity and make him have a time out and when he gets home he loses a privilege. I have a friend who is very extreme and automatically makes her child lose a month of screen time if he utters a bad word. I think all of these approaches are fine and need to be tailored to the child.

One friend pushed my child and screamed at him during a sports practice recently. I saw the whole thing and my child did nothing to provoke this behavior. The other parent was there as well and did nothing and offered no apology. It kind of annoyed me but I don't judge. I'm sure they are dealing with it in their own way. My child knows not to judge and never said a word about the other parent not doing anything. He knows that if it had been the other way around he would have been in huge trouble.

I think the issue is your own attitude about how the parents handle their child is rubbing off on your children. If you don't agree with their parenting you shouldn't be friends. I would rather not have a "friend" who judges me like this.

So you are essentially saying that if the kid is difficult to be around, we should stop hanging out with them because it's my problem, not their's. Got it. With that attitude, he won't have any friends. It's not just me/my kids. Other friends in this friend group have voiced the same concerns. I get that everyone parents differently but if you want your kid to have friends, or for other parents to help their kids understand and navigate this friendship, you have to help us out. The things this particular kid does is not typical age appropriate behavior (abviously) which makes the other kids feel uneasy and a little freaked out/shocked, like they don't know what to do or how to react, so they have started ignoring/excluding/avoiding him. It's not so much judgment but frustration. We all want to help these kids remain friends but it's hard to do when he alienates everyone.

You do judge and you are not a real friend. If this is so shocking to your kid, try explaining how people are different.

I have a special needs son and I am sure some people think I let him get away with some stuff. If I pushed him they would judge me for the ensuing complete meltdown. There is no winning this. I smooth things over in public until I see the explosion signs looming then I go home. I always take him home before the other kids.

I am much more of a disciplinarian at home but there I don't worry about your judging eyes because trust me, the meltdowns are worse than the smoothing over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girls with autism display a much different, less obvious pattern of symptoms than boys with autism.

That's what autism speaks is peddling at least, to include as many people as possible in the net.
This girl doesn't sound autistic - spectrum or not it's supposed to be a severe disability that interferes in your daily functioning.
OP I would just go back to your regular life and do things the same with this girl unless you have a big issue of some sort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^
I ignore the behavior. I'm interested in knowing how to talk to the other children in the group about this apparent no-consequence bad behavior. Also, if this bad behavior is directed at another kid, I actually DON'T think it should be ignored. I think it's unfair to make one child suffer because another child has a disability. Again, what I am asking here is how to coach the other kids on how to deal with him. His parents aren't really helping in that regard. We like them but it is getting to a point where doing things with them is just not fun because inevitably some kid will get upset over something he does.

I appreciate you asking the question. I have a 1st grade mainstreamed ADHD/ASD little guy who I know looks "typical" most of the time, so when he gets upset it is surprising to people. I spend a lot of time volunteering at school so I've gotten lots of questions from the kids directly and less often their parents.

As a parent I would appreciate a compassionate approach. I know my son can be a difficult play date partner- but his friends really mean a lot to him. I would appreciate it if you could say something like- I noticed Larlo got upset when C happened, what can my child do to help? She was worried about her friend and didn't know how best to respond. Or you could ask if there is a better play date setup for the child. I find that my son's more typical peers will say things hat are casually annoying / mean and these will fester for him, so if he is yelling at someone it is because that person called his picture ugly that morning and then also took his favorite crayon and ended by not liking his share item. Those things combined can lead to an outburst of calling someone the meanest person in creation (the unusual vocabulary is one of the charms of aspergers).

To the kids themselves who ask me why my son gets so mad I explain that he is really sensitive and words hurt him a lot even if he doesn't always say so. And that sometimes he gets too mad and needs some space/ time to calm down. The kids usually get that because they know what it is to get too upset. I also remind them that we all have bad days sometimes. I am often struck with the kindness of children to each other when they are having a hard time.

It is helpful for my child to hear others describe him as having a tough day instead of being a bad kid.

[Anonymous]

Dude an 8 year old who still needs diapers and doesn't talk is not high functioning. That's kind of a duh statement right there. Your brother is in extreme denial if he thinks that is high functioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^
I ignore the behavior. I'm interested in knowing how to talk to the other children in the group about this apparent no-consequence bad behavior. Also, if this bad behavior is directed at another kid, I actually DON'T think it should be ignored. I think it's unfair to make one child suffer because another child has a disability. Again, what I am asking here is how to coach the other kids on how to deal with him. His parents aren't really helping in that regard. We like them but it is getting to a point where doing things with them is just not fun because inevitably some kid will get upset over something he does.

I appreciate you asking the question. I have a 1st grade mainstreamed ADHD/ASD little guy who I know looks "typical" most of the time, so when he gets upset it is surprising to people. I spend a lot of time volunteering at school so I've gotten lots of questions from the kids directly and less often their parents.

As a parent I would appreciate a compassionate approach. I know my son can be a difficult play date partner- but his friends really mean a lot to him. I would appreciate it if you could say something like- I noticed Larlo got upset when C happened, what can my child do to help? She was worried about her friend and didn't know how best to respond. Or you could ask if there is a better play date setup for the child. I find that my son's more typical peers will say things hat are casually annoying / mean and these will fester for him, so if he is yelling at someone it is because that person called his picture ugly that morning and then also took his favorite crayon and ended by not liking his share item. Those things combined can lead to an outburst of calling someone the meanest person in creation (the unusual vocabulary is one of the charms of aspergers).

To the kids themselves who ask me why my son gets so mad I explain that he is really sensitive and words hurt him a lot even if he doesn't always say so. And that sometimes he gets too mad and needs some space/ time to calm down. The kids usually get that because they know what it is to get too upset. I also remind them that we all have bad days sometimes. I am often struck with the kindness of children to each other when they are having a hard time.

It is helpful for my child to hear others describe him as having a tough day instead of being a bad kid.

Thank you! This is the sort of response/advice I was hoping for.

[Anonymous]

I am glad it helped.

Parenting kids with special needs can be lonely. I have 2. And one of the saddest parts is when my other mom friends slowly drift away because they are uncomfortable around my child or my parenting choices because they don't understand why I am managing the way I am. The few friends who have asked how they can help and have stayed friends with us with their neurotypical kids are amazing people. And they are the ones who took the risk to ask how to help make things work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am glad it helped.

Parenting kids with special needs can be lonely. I have 2. And one of the saddest parts is when my other mom friends slowly drift away because they are uncomfortable around my child or my parenting choices because they don't understand why I am managing the way I am. The few friends who have asked how they can help and have stayed friends with us with their neurotypical kids are amazing people. And they are the ones who took the risk to ask how to help make things work.

Maybe I should straight up ask them? I've been hesitant to because I don't want to offend. The boy's parents don't talk about it, and before he was officially diagnosed, parents appeared to be in denial that there was a problem. This history is the main reason for my hesitation, I've wanted to let them take the lead on how much or little they want to talk about their son's issues.

[Anonymous]

^^ which is why I'm on an anonymous forum asking for advice in the first place

[Anonymous]

It would be helpful if someone put examples of different levels of autistic behavior. I've heard of kids having autism at my child's school, but I don't know what that means or how to help/not say the wrong thing.

When I was growing up, the only autistic kids I heard about had severe symptoms, like rain man or a kid who couldn't connect with others at all on a news program. So, frankly it would be helpful to hear of typical autistic behavior and what to do/not do as a mom of a child whose classmates have autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am glad it helped.

Parenting kids with special needs can be lonely. I have 2. And one of the saddest parts is when my other mom friends slowly drift away because they are uncomfortable around my child or my parenting choices because they don't understand why I am managing the way I am. The few friends who have asked how they can help and have stayed friends with us with their neurotypical kids are amazing people. And they are the ones who took the risk to ask how to help make things work.

Maybe I should straight up ask them? I've been hesitant to because I don't want to offend. The boy's parents don't talk about it, and before he was officially diagnosed, parents appeared to be in denial that there was a problem. This history is the main reason for my hesitation, I've wanted to let them take the lead on how much or little they want to talk about their son's issues.

NP mom of a child with autism. It's not your fault because you don't have a kid with special needs but you are so unaware of the long process it is to get a diagnosis, understand what that diagnosis means for your child, and figure out what the right services and management techniques are for your child. Just because a parent wants to relax with friends and not recount the last several hour evaluations, doctor's appointments, speech appointments, IEP meetings, etc. with you does not mean they are in denial.

If you want to be a good friend, don't come to the converastion as wanting to know details about your friend's "son's issues" because that's not really your business. Instead ask questions about best times and places for playdates, how any sensory concerns that might come up could be handled, etc.

"Sarah, is there anything we can do to make Johnny more comfortable at our next play date?"

vs.

"Sarah, what should I tell my kid about your kids' autism issues?"

It's a big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be helpful if someone put examples of different levels of autistic behavior. I've heard of kids having autism at my child's school, but I don't know what that means or how to help/not say the wrong thing.

When I was growing up, the only autistic kids I heard about had severe symptoms, like rain man or a kid who couldn't connect with others at all on a news program. So, frankly it would be helpful to hear of typical autistic behavior and what to do/not do as a mom of a child whose classmates have autism.

I don't think it's helpful to come to a relationship with a person with autism with a bunch of stereotypes. Just like neurotypical kids, kids with autism have their own personalities, strengths and weaknesses. They are not defined by their autism and everything they do or do not do is not because of their autism.

[Anonymous]

As a parent of a child with autism, you really have to develop a thick skin. You'll quickly learn who your true friends are. Unfortunately, there are many people who think autism can be cured by stricter parenting.

I've learned to ignore a lot of what other parents would consider bad behavior, because doing otherwise will escalate rather than defuse a situation. During calm times we try to talk about how to handle situations and what can be done differently next time. In the moment is not the time to correct an autistic child who is on the verge of a meltdown.

Explain to your NT kid that every family has different ways of
disciplining.
I'm sure they already recognize that the autistic child is different.

If I detect a judgey vibe from another parent, I limit my contact and secretly label them clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be helpful if someone put examples of different levels of autistic behavior. I've heard of kids having autism at my child's school, but I don't know what that means or how to help/not say the wrong thing.

When I was growing up, the only autistic kids I heard about had severe symptoms, like rain man or a kid who couldn't connect with others at all on a news program. So, frankly it would be helpful to hear of typical autistic behavior and what to do/not do as a mom of a child whose classmates have autism.

I we were growing up , expectations were very low to be a typical child.Now the expectations are more to be a typical child.That's the reason we see big increase in autistic people , and we'll continue to see the increase.It doesn't mean that people are getting more impacted by autism , what it means is expectations from a child are increasing!