I don't know what to do...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

mshakespeare wrote:
Not to be a dick - but based on pure dimensions - I am thinking of several positions you should be able to accommodate - without getting crushed to death anyways...

NOT that, this is the most important issue here - his health is - but - just sayin.

Of course sex is the issue. it always is.

OP here, it is not really an issue for me - he's great at a lot of things in that department. I mention it only because hopefully we will be together a while and variety is nice. But lack of variety is not a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

He must have high blood pressure, diabetes, bad knees, bad back... Why do you believe him when he tells you he has no health problems?
When was the last time he went to a doctor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He must have high blood pressure, diabetes, bad knees, bad back... Why do you believe him when he tells you he has no health problems?
When was the last time he went to a doctor?

I think if he had diabetes he'd be having significant physical symptoms and wouldn't be able to put off going to a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He must have high blood pressure, diabetes, bad knees, bad back... Why do you believe him when he tells you he has no health problems?
When was the last time he went to a doctor?

From diabetes.org:


Myth: If you are overweight or obese, you will eventually develop type 2 diabetes.

Fact: Being overweight is a risk factor for developing this disease, but other risk factors such as family history, ethnicity and age also play a role. Unfortunately, too many people disregard the other risk factors for diabetes and think that weight is the only risk factor for type 2 diabetes. Most overweight people never develop type 2 diabetes, and many people with type 2 diabetes are at a normal weight or only moderately overweight.

- See more at: http://www.diabetes.org/diabetes-basics/myths/

[Anonymous]

Well if he is in perfect health, what is she worried about?

[mshakespeare]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He must have high blood pressure, diabetes, bad knees, bad back... Why do you believe him when he tells you he has no health problems?
When was the last time he went to a doctor?

From diabetes.org:


Myth: If you are overweight or obese, you will eventually develop type 2 diabetes.

Fact: Being overweight is a risk factor for developing this disease, but other risk factors such as family history, ethnicity and age also play a role. Unfortunately, too many people disregard the other risk factors for diabetes and think that weight is the only risk factor for type 2 diabetes. Most overweight people never develop type 2 diabetes, and many people with type 2 diabetes are at a normal weight or only moderately overweight.

- See more at: http://www.diabetes.org/diabetes-basics/myths/

A friend of mine, who is not overweight at all - all of a sudden developed type 2 diabetes... He was a sick for a bit, thought it was just fatigue - and eventually ended up in the ER and they told him he had type 2 diabetes... It as SHOCKING! But, to the PP's point, sometimes has nothing to do with weight.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, can everyone get off of the sex issue?

NP here, OP, please listen to me and know that I am speaking from a place that absolutely knows from where your boyfriend is coming from. It's not about diet, you cooking healthy meals or being healthy, or needing surgery. He needs therapy. Plain and simple. he needs to find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders - and specifically binge-eating disorder. this has nothing to do with food.

So, please do not expect him to lose significant weight once you two are living together/married. He may lose some just by the fact that you'll encourage him to move around more or eat some healthy meals.

Please, please, please do not bug him about his eating. I promise you that if you do, he will only hide his food consumption from you (and sometimes could lead to more weight gain - that's what happened to me)

Understand that he needs to be ready to make changes. Like a pp said, it really is like any other addiction and you can't make an alcoholic stop until he's ready. It's the same thing. If I were you, I'd find a therapist for him that specializes in BED and encourage him to go a few times to see if he's ready. Even if he's not (and you guys can afford it), I'd encourage him to just keep going with no pressure to actively DO something but just to go and talk until he's ready.

Also, just like any other addiction, there are relapses - (this is just advice for you for the future) If he is in therapy and doing really well and then you notice he's all of a sudden eating a lot, not caring, etc. It could be a bump in the road. Something that worked for me when i'd be in that situation is my DH simply asking if I'm okay and if there's anything he could do to help. He recognized that my eating was a sign of something wrong in my life and rather than focusing on my weight or food, he focused on helping me through it.

Finally, from my own experience, my eating would get worse when I'd get anxious or nervous or even excited about a big change in my life. Opposite of every bride I know, I gained weight for my wedding, I didn't lose it. I didn't do it on purpose and only realized after therapy that because of my own childhood trauma I couldn't handle any kind of emotion, so I'd "eat my emotions" (you've probably heard that cliché). I was nervous, excited, and happy about getting married but didn't know how to handle all those emotions so I ate. and ate. and ate. If you are seeing an increase in your boyfriend's eating or "not caring" about getting healthy, he may be facing the same thing I was and it's just a coping mechanism for burying those feelings.

I'm not saying surgery is right or wrong for your boyfriend, but in my experience, since going to therapy (and doing several "group" sessions) I've met a ton of people that had the surgery, lost weight, then gained it back because they didn't fix the underlying issue. Every one of them regretted having the surgery when they did. Some said that the surgery would have been good if they waited until they were well into therapy (as sort of a combined treatment of surgery and therapy) and others just regretted it altogether.

finally, the person that said diets don't work is absolutely right! But it's how you define a diet. simply altering your food intake (and increasing calorie burning) doesn't work for people whose weight is connected to childhood issues or upbringing or trauma (basically eating to bury whatever it is you don't want to deal with). Since you acknowledged your bf had that, I'm assuming he's one of us.

Anyway, I hope I helped. You sound very supportive. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, can everyone get off of the sex issue?

NP here, OP, please listen to me and know that I am speaking from a place that absolutely knows from where your boyfriend is coming from. It's not about diet, you cooking healthy meals or being healthy, or needing surgery. He needs therapy. Plain and simple. he needs to find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders - and specifically binge-eating disorder. this has nothing to do with food.

So, please do not expect him to lose significant weight once you two are living together/married. He may lose some just by the fact that you'll encourage him to move around more or eat some healthy meals.

Please, please, please do not bug him about his eating. I promise you that if you do, he will only hide his food consumption from you (and sometimes could lead to more weight gain - that's what happened to me)

Understand that he needs to be ready to make changes. Like a pp said, it really is like any other addiction and you can't make an alcoholic stop until he's ready. It's the same thing. If I were you, I'd find a therapist for him that specializes in BED and encourage him to go a few times to see if he's ready. Even if he's not (and you guys can afford it), I'd encourage him to just keep going with no pressure to actively DO something but just to go and talk until he's ready.

Also, just like any other addiction, there are relapses - (this is just advice for you for the future) If he is in therapy and doing really well and then you notice he's all of a sudden eating a lot, not caring, etc. It could be a bump in the road. Something that worked for me when i'd be in that situation is my DH simply asking if I'm okay and if there's anything he could do to help. He recognized that my eating was a sign of something wrong in my life and rather than focusing on my weight or food, he focused on helping me through it.

Finally, from my own experience, my eating would get worse when I'd get anxious or nervous or even excited about a big change in my life. Opposite of every bride I know, I gained weight for my wedding, I didn't lose it. I didn't do it on purpose and only realized after therapy that because of my own childhood trauma I couldn't handle any kind of emotion, so I'd "eat my emotions" (you've probably heard that cliché). I was nervous, excited, and happy about getting married but didn't know how to handle all those emotions so I ate. and ate. and ate. If you are seeing an increase in your boyfriend's eating or "not caring" about getting healthy, he may be facing the same thing I was and it's just a coping mechanism for burying those feelings.

I'm not saying surgery is right or wrong for your boyfriend, but in my experience, since going to therapy (and doing several "group" sessions) I've met a ton of people that had the surgery, lost weight, then gained it back because they didn't fix the underlying issue. Every one of them regretted having the surgery when they did. Some said that the surgery would have been good if they waited until they were well into therapy (as sort of a combined treatment of surgery and therapy) and others just regretted it altogether.

finally, the person that said diets don't work is absolutely right! But it's how you define a diet. simply altering your food intake (and increasing calorie burning) doesn't work for people whose weight is connected to childhood issues or upbringing or trauma (basically eating to bury whatever it is you don't want to deal with). Since you acknowledged your bf had that, I'm assuming he's one of us.

Anyway, I hope I helped. You sound very supportive. Good luck

OP here, thank you for this wonderful post. Lots of good ideas here.

I would love for him to find a therapist that deals in BED - do you have any recommendations for therapists and/or support groups? I think he would be willing to go. He is not happy with his current psychiatrist and she doesn't seem to be concerned that the antidepressants have made him gain all this weight. I know there are better options.

I would never force him to do anything, nag him about food or give him any ultimatums. He is strong and brave and has survived things that are unthinkable. He also has enormous willpower and discipline in other areas of his life, and I wish he could apply those qualities to this, but if it doesn't happen I will find a way to make peace with that.

[mshakespeare]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, can everyone get off of the sex issue?

NP here, OP, please listen to me and know that I am speaking from a place that absolutely knows from where your boyfriend is coming from. It's not about diet, you cooking healthy meals or being healthy, or needing surgery. He needs therapy. Plain and simple. he needs to find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders - and specifically binge-eating disorder. this has nothing to do with food.

So, please do not expect him to lose significant weight once you two are living together/married. He may lose some just by the fact that you'll encourage him to move around more or eat some healthy meals.

Please, please, please do not bug him about his eating. I promise you that if you do, he will only hide his food consumption from you (and sometimes could lead to more weight gain - that's what happened to me)

Understand that he needs to be ready to make changes. Like a pp said, it really is like any other addiction and you can't make an alcoholic stop until he's ready. It's the same thing. If I were you, I'd find a therapist for him that specializes in BED and encourage him to go a few times to see if he's ready. Even if he's not (and you guys can afford it), I'd encourage him to just keep going with no pressure to actively DO something but just to go and talk until he's ready.

Also, just like any other addiction, there are relapses - (this is just advice for you for the future) If he is in therapy and doing really well and then you notice he's all of a sudden eating a lot, not caring, etc. It could be a bump in the road. Something that worked for me when i'd be in that situation is my DH simply asking if I'm okay and if there's anything he could do to help. He recognized that my eating was a sign of something wrong in my life and rather than focusing on my weight or food, he focused on helping me through it.

Finally, from my own experience, my eating would get worse when I'd get anxious or nervous or even excited about a big change in my life. Opposite of every bride I know, I gained weight for my wedding, I didn't lose it. I didn't do it on purpose and only realized after therapy that because of my own childhood trauma I couldn't handle any kind of emotion, so I'd "eat my emotions" (you've probably heard that cliché). I was nervous, excited, and happy about getting married but didn't know how to handle all those emotions so I ate. and ate. and ate. If you are seeing an increase in your boyfriend's eating or "not caring" about getting healthy, he may be facing the same thing I was and it's just a coping mechanism for burying those feelings.

I'm not saying surgery is right or wrong for your boyfriend, but in my experience, since going to therapy (and doing several "group" sessions) I've met a ton of people that had the surgery, lost weight, then gained it back because they didn't fix the underlying issue. Every one of them regretted having the surgery when they did. Some said that the surgery would have been good if they waited until they were well into therapy (as sort of a combined treatment of surgery and therapy) and others just regretted it altogether.

finally, the person that said diets don't work is absolutely right! But it's how you define a diet. simply altering your food intake (and increasing calorie burning) doesn't work for people whose weight is connected to childhood issues or upbringing or trauma (basically eating to bury whatever it is you don't want to deal with). Since you acknowledged your bf had that, I'm assuming he's one of us.

Anyway, I hope I helped. You sound very supportive. Good luck

OP here, thank you for this wonderful post. Lots of good ideas here.

I would love for him to find a therapist that deals in BED - do you have any recommendations for therapists and/or support groups? I think he would be willing to go. He is not happy with his current psychiatrist and she doesn't seem to be concerned that the antidepressants have made him gain all this weight. I know there are better options.

I would never force him to do anything, nag him about food or give him any ultimatums. He is strong and brave and has survived things that are unthinkable. He also has enormous willpower and discipline in other areas of his life, and I wish he could apply those qualities to this, but if it doesn't happen I will find a way to make peace with that.

I really wish you luck OP - not more to add - but I just really appreciate your loyalty to your boyfriend and I really hope that you both find peace and happiness together. I hope that your boyfriend finds the courage and strength to overcome this issue - and that you are rewarded for your unwavering support and commitment to him.

[Anonymous]

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, can everyone get off of the sex issue?

NP here, OP, please listen to me and know that I am speaking from a place that absolutely knows from where your boyfriend is coming from. It's not about diet, you cooking healthy meals or being healthy, or needing surgery. He needs therapy. Plain and simple. he needs to find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders - and specifically binge-eating disorder. this has nothing to do with food.

So, please do not expect him to lose significant weight once you two are living together/married. He may lose some just by the fact that you'll encourage him to move around more or eat some healthy meals.

Please, please, please do not bug him about his eating. I promise you that if you do, he will only hide his food consumption from you (and sometimes could lead to more weight gain - that's what happened to me)

Understand that he needs to be ready to make changes. Like a pp said, it really is like any other addiction and you can't make an alcoholic stop until he's ready. It's the same thing. If I were you, I'd find a therapist for him that specializes in BED and encourage him to go a few times to see if he's ready. Even if he's not (and you guys can afford it), I'd encourage him to just keep going with no pressure to actively DO something but just to go and talk until he's ready.

Also, just like any other addiction, there are relapses - (this is just advice for you for the future) If he is in therapy and doing really well and then you notice he's all of a sudden eating a lot, not caring, etc. It could be a bump in the road. Something that worked for me when i'd be in that situation is my DH simply asking if I'm okay and if there's anything he could do to help. He recognized that my eating was a sign of something wrong in my life and rather than focusing on my weight or food, he focused on helping me through it.

Finally, from my own experience, my eating would get worse when I'd get anxious or nervous or even excited about a big change in my life. Opposite of every bride I know, I gained weight for my wedding, I didn't lose it. I didn't do it on purpose and only realized after therapy that because of my own childhood trauma I couldn't handle any kind of emotion, so I'd "eat my emotions" (you've probably heard that cliché). I was nervous, excited, and happy about getting married but didn't know how to handle all those emotions so I ate. and ate. and ate. If you are seeing an increase in your boyfriend's eating or "not caring" about getting healthy, he may be facing the same thing I was and it's just a coping mechanism for burying those feelings.

I'm not saying surgery is right or wrong for your boyfriend, but in my experience, since going to therapy (and doing several "group" sessions) I've met a ton of people that had the surgery, lost weight, then gained it back because they didn't fix the underlying issue. Every one of them regretted having the surgery when they did. Some said that the surgery would have been good if they waited until they were well into therapy (as sort of a combined treatment of surgery and therapy) and others just regretted it altogether.

finally, the person that said diets don't work is absolutely right! But it's how you define a diet. simply altering your food intake (and increasing calorie burning) doesn't work for people whose weight is connected to childhood issues or upbringing or trauma (basically eating to bury whatever it is you don't want to deal with). Since you acknowledged your bf had that, I'm assuming he's one of us.

Anyway, I hope I helped. You sound very supportive. Good luck

OP here, thank you for this wonderful post. Lots of good ideas here.

I would love for him to find a therapist that deals in BED - do you have any recommendations for therapists and/or support groups? I think he would be willing to go. He is not happy with his current psychiatrist and she doesn't seem to be concerned that the antidepressants have made him gain all this weight. I know there are better options.

I would never force him to do anything, nag him about food or give him any ultimatums. He is strong and brave and has survived things that are unthinkable. He also has enormous willpower and discipline in other areas of his life, and I wish he could apply those qualities to this, but if it doesn't happen I will find a way to make peace with that.

I really wish you luck OP - not more to add - but I just really appreciate your loyalty to your boyfriend and I really hope that you both find peace and happiness together. I hope that your boyfriend finds the courage and strength to overcome this issue - and that you are rewarded for your unwavering support and commitment to him.

Thank you! He makes my life amazing though, I have never met a better human being. I'm sticking around.

[Anonymous]

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.

This is mythical thinking. He is not obese because he does't have access to healthy food. He is obese for other reasons, both psychological and physical (once you're obese its not just metabolism but gut bacteria that changes). If he has not lost weight for his daughter, he will not for you. And he has not for himself.

I see only way way this is going to work: surgery, therapy AND a commitment to a healthy lifestyle after. Yes, its an ultimatum, but honestly if he is morbidly obese but willing to lose the woman he loves and risk his own life and leaving his daughter in order to hold onto his weight, then his problems are deeper than you want to acknowledge and you should probably not marry him.

OP here - I agree with you. The medication has been a large part of the problem weight-wise I think, although he has never been slim. He has a large frame (think tall, meaty linebacker). He sees a psychiatrist every few months to check his meds, but he is not in any kind of therapy and I think that's what he needs. I also think he needs a PCP who can coordinate all the things he needs - help figure out medications that work that do not cause weight gain, and help us figure out a plan (whether we try to do it ourselves with the help of a nutritionist, or go the bariatric surgery route). It is hard to get him to go to the doctor.

I'm not an ultimatum kind of person and I would probably stick with him for as long as he has, but it makes me extraordinarily sad that our time together will likely be cut short. He is the love of my life. Once a month I cry about this, but then we have wonderful times together in every way. So I'm just stuck.

OP - when you say morbidly obese - what is his body fat percentage? Height? Do NOT use BMI as an indicator - it is not accurate.

Also - he may need therapy - you mention that he uses food as a coping mechanism for some depression issues...

You need to treat him like any other addict - fortunately - he chose food instead of drugs or alcohol - but it can be just as unhealthy - without the other issues associated with drugs and alcohol.

That is how you should approach this...

Do you want to live your life with an addict and have to go through the process of having him overcome his addiction? Do you believe you can support him through this? Do you believe that he will even try?

He is my best friend and I would not abandon him unless he was not treating me well. He is a wonderful person and makes my life richer in every way. Even if he never changes, I would treasure the time I had with him.

He is about 6'2" and at least 350 pounds - so BMI seems to be at least 44.9.

The reason that BMI is misleading is because muscle weighs more than fat. So, body fat percentage is really what you want to look at.

Regardless - I am impressed with your loyalty - especially since most DCUM posts are about unhappy spouses because their DW or DH "let himself go" and is now fat and they want them in the gym or they are heading for divorce.

Good for you and good luck with your situation.

]

Why do people say this? It's SO stupid. No, muscle doesn't weigh more than fat. 10 lbs = 10 lbs, whether it's steel or feathers. Good grief. One is more dense than the other, though.

[mshakespeare]

Anonymous wrote:

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.

This is mythical thinking. He is not obese because he does't have access to healthy food. He is obese for other reasons, both psychological and physical (once you're obese its not just metabolism but gut bacteria that changes). If he has not lost weight for his daughter, he will not for you. And he has not for himself.

I see only way way this is going to work: surgery, therapy AND a commitment to a healthy lifestyle after. Yes, its an ultimatum, but honestly if he is morbidly obese but willing to lose the woman he loves and risk his own life and leaving his daughter in order to hold onto his weight, then his problems are deeper than you want to acknowledge and you should probably not marry him.

OP here - I agree with you. The medication has been a large part of the problem weight-wise I think, although he has never been slim. He has a large frame (think tall, meaty linebacker). He sees a psychiatrist every few months to check his meds, but he is not in any kind of therapy and I think that's what he needs. I also think he needs a PCP who can coordinate all the things he needs - help figure out medications that work that do not cause weight gain, and help us figure out a plan (whether we try to do it ourselves with the help of a nutritionist, or go the bariatric surgery route). It is hard to get him to go to the doctor.

I'm not an ultimatum kind of person and I would probably stick with him for as long as he has, but it makes me extraordinarily sad that our time together will likely be cut short. He is the love of my life. Once a month I cry about this, but then we have wonderful times together in every way. So I'm just stuck.

OP - when you say morbidly obese - what is his body fat percentage? Height? Do NOT use BMI as an indicator - it is not accurate.

Also - he may need therapy - you mention that he uses food as a coping mechanism for some depression issues...

You need to treat him like any other addict - fortunately - he chose food instead of drugs or alcohol - but it can be just as unhealthy - without the other issues associated with drugs and alcohol.

That is how you should approach this...

Do you want to live your life with an addict and have to go through the process of having him overcome his addiction? Do you believe you can support him through this? Do you believe that he will even try?

He is my best friend and I would not abandon him unless he was not treating me well. He is a wonderful person and makes my life richer in every way. Even if he never changes, I would treasure the time I had with him.

He is about 6'2" and at least 350 pounds - so BMI seems to be at least 44.9.

The reason that BMI is misleading is because muscle weighs more than fat. So, body fat percentage is really what you want to look at.

Regardless - I am impressed with your loyalty - especially since most DCUM posts are about unhappy spouses because their DW or DH "let himself go" and is now fat and they want them in the gym or they are heading for divorce.

Good for you and good luck with your situation.

]

Why do people say this? It's SO stupid. No, muscle doesn't weigh more than fat. 10 lbs = 10 lbs, whether it's steel or feathers. Good grief. One is more dense than the other, though.

Very good point.

[Anonymous]

I would never force him to do anything, nag him about food or give him any ultimatums. He is strong and brave and has survived things that are unthinkable. He also has enormous willpower and discipline in other areas of his life, and I wish he could apply those qualities to this, but if it doesn't happen I will find a way to make peace with that.

OP, I suggested surgery and therapy but as another PP pointed out, therapy is probably the place to start. My armchair psychologist thought on the above is that it was probably by doing what he does with food--which is to stuff away/eat feelings and perhaps also hide himself--that perhaps allowed him to survive what sounds like terrible trauma at a young age. So, if that's the case, the mechanisms that allowed him to survive are incredibly powerful, and it would incredibly scary to not have them and be deprived of them. That is the work of therapy. It is hard work, and ongoing. Bariatric surgery will help him impove his health if he can keep the weight off, but the habits and feelings wont change withouth some work on trauma. Sounds like he needs a new doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would never force him to do anything, nag him about food or give him any ultimatums. He is strong and brave and has survived things that are unthinkable. He also has enormous willpower and discipline in other areas of his life, and I wish he could apply those qualities to this, but if it doesn't happen I will find a way to make peace with that.

OP, I suggested surgery and therapy but as another PP pointed out, therapy is probably the place to start. My armchair psychologist thought on the above is that it was probably by doing what he does with food--which is to stuff away/eat feelings and perhaps also hide himself--that perhaps allowed him to survive what sounds like terrible trauma at a young age. So, if that's the case, the mechanisms that allowed him to survive are incredibly powerful, and it would incredibly scary to not have them and be deprived of them. That is the work of therapy. It is hard work, and ongoing. Bariatric surgery will help him impove his health if he can keep the weight off, but the habits and feelings wont change withouth some work on trauma. Sounds like he needs a new doctor.

Op here, thanks for this. His childhood included not only trauma but neglect, but food was always around and I think you're right that it is scary for him to contemplate losing that source of comfort. I don't think he's ever felt really loved and secure, but he has me and his daughter now so I hope we can help him with that. A good therapist is really needed and I want to help him find one. He doesn't like to spend money on himself and I think that has stopped him from getting good therapy and doctors. With our combined incomes it will be easier for him to get help too.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a great partner to him and it sounds like you two have an enviable relationship in many ways. I agree therapy is the way to start!