Anonymous wrote:Jeez, can everyone get off of the sex issue?
NP here, OP, please listen to me and know that I am speaking from a place that absolutely knows from where your boyfriend is coming from. It's not about diet, you cooking healthy meals or being healthy, or needing surgery. He needs therapy. Plain and simple. he needs to find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders - and specifically binge-eating disorder. this has nothing to do with food.
So, please do not expect him to lose significant weight once you two are living together/married. He may lose some just by the fact that you'll encourage him to move around more or eat some healthy meals.
Please, please, please do not bug him about his eating. I promise you that if you do, he will only hide his food consumption from you (and sometimes could lead to more weight gain - that's what happened to me)
Understand that he needs to be ready to make changes. Like a pp said, it really is like any other addiction and you can't make an alcoholic stop until he's ready. It's the same thing. If I were you, I'd find a therapist for him that specializes in BED and encourage him to go a few times to see if he's ready. Even if he's not (and you guys can afford it), I'd encourage him to just keep going with no pressure to actively DO something but just to go and talk until he's ready.
Also, just like any other addiction, there are relapses - (this is just advice for you for the future) If he is in therapy and doing really well and then you notice he's all of a sudden eating a lot, not caring, etc. It could be a bump in the road. Something that worked for me when i'd be in that situation is my DH simply asking if I'm okay and if there's anything he could do to help. He recognized that my eating was a sign of something wrong in my life and rather than focusing on my weight or food, he focused on helping me through it.
Finally, from my own experience, my eating would get worse when I'd get anxious or nervous or even excited about a big change in my life. Opposite of every bride I know, I gained weight for my wedding, I didn't lose it. I didn't do it on purpose and only realized after therapy that because of my own childhood trauma I couldn't handle any kind of emotion, so I'd "eat my emotions" (you've probably heard that cliché). I was nervous, excited, and happy about getting married but didn't know how to handle all those emotions so I ate. and ate. and ate.
If you are seeing an increase in your boyfriend's eating or "not caring" about getting healthy, he may be facing the same thing I was and it's just a coping mechanism for burying those feelings.
I'm not saying surgery is right or wrong for your boyfriend, but in my experience, since going to therapy (and doing several "group" sessions) I've met a ton of people that had the surgery, lost weight, then gained it back because they didn't fix the underlying issue. Every one of them regretted having the surgery when they did. Some said that the surgery would have been good if they waited until they were well into therapy (as sort of a combined treatment of surgery and therapy) and others just regretted it altogether.
finally, the person that said diets don't work is absolutely right! But it's how you define a diet. simply altering your food intake (and increasing calorie burning) doesn't work for people whose weight is connected to childhood issues or upbringing or trauma (basically eating to bury whatever it is you don't want to deal with). Since you acknowledged your bf had that, I'm assuming he's one of us.
Anyway, I hope I helped. You sound very supportive. Good luck
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