Brother's wife is dying

[Anonymous]

If you go there's four levels of attending:
1) Attend and slip out without trying to make a scene.
2) Attend, show up at the receiving line/burial/reception, and leave.
3) Mourn like you were the person's best friend, like you were gunning for a daytime Emmy.
4) Perform a reading or other part of the program, possibly be a pallbearer.

In the absence of other facts, I'd go with (2) unless the mention of you has been known to cause fights among the family. In that case (1) *and don't bring attention to yourself.*

I'd make an effort to see her in her last few days. As relatively immediate family, you have some standing to show up provided you don't make a spectacle of yourself. Yes, you could have done more in her last months.

You say "estranged" and have dodged why you're estranged. There's "someone screwed someone else over" levels of estranged and "we live 3000 miles away and just didn't make an effort to stay in touch." Many parts of the former are justifications to not even show up but the latter ... this is a time to reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My cousin informed me of the diagnosis and prognosis a few months back. We have sent a card and a restaurant gift card to brother's home, which is more than 1000 miles away.

I emailed brother birthday greetings a few days ago and he emailed back that she is near death. I replied that they are in our prayers. When the time comes, I think I will ask. Funeral and burial are likely 200 miles away.

So it sounds like you're at least on speaking terms. You should go to the funeral, OP.

[Anonymous]

You should attend.

[Anonymous]

If you have been estranged for years and had no contact them send a not but do not presume that your presence is wanted it would be appreciated. If you really have a damn then you would have had contact of some sort long before this woman was dying. You come across as an a fake mourner and opportunist. Personally, I would ask you to leave if I were your brother. Let this woman have her service with honor and dignity. It is not about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have been estranged for years and had no contact them send a not but do not presume that your presence is wanted it would be appreciated. If you really have a damn then you would have had contact of some sort long before this woman was dying. You come across as an a fake mourner and opportunist. Personally, I would ask you to leave if I were your brother. Let this woman have her service with honor and dignity. It is not about you.

Oh shut up, this whole post is totally ridiculous & possibly the worst advice I've ever read on DCUM.
You sound like a bitter, miserable person who makes everyone else around them miserable too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My cousin informed me of the diagnosis and prognosis a few months back. We have sent a card and a restaurant gift card to brother's home, which is more than 1000 miles away.

I emailed brother birthday greetings a few days ago and he emailed back that she is near death. I replied that they are in our prayers. When the time comes, I think I will ask. Funeral and burial are likely 200 miles away.

So it sounds like you're at least on speaking terms. You should go to the funeral, OP.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

To be honest if I was your brother I would be upset and would feel the effort was too late. If you cared enough, you could have also made attempts to see them over the past 10 years and could have found time to build a relationship with him. I'm very much a person who does not like "after the fact" actions, so maybe just send a card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My cousin informed me of the diagnosis and prognosis a few months back. We have sent a card and a restaurant gift card to brother's home, which is more than 1000 miles away.

I emailed brother birthday greetings a few days ago and he emailed back that she is near death. I replied that they are in our prayers. When the time comes, I think I will ask. Funeral and burial are likely 200 miles away.

So it sounds like you're at least on speaking terms. You should go to the funeral, OP.

You should also try picking up the telephone and speaking directly.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

She has passed. We attended funeral. Brother seemed glad we were there. Am glad we went.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

She has passed. We attended funeral. Brother seemed glad we were there. Am glad we went.

Did you feel regret for the decade of nearly no contact?

[Anonymous]

Not really. They pushed me out of their lives many years ago. I had a series of serious surgeries a few years ago and, against my explicit instructions, my cousin told them. They did not contact me, which made me so sad because it said to me that they simply did not care about me. We last saw them five years ago and they have seen my children only three or four times.

But my parents would be proud of me that I went.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

She has passed. We attended funeral. Brother seemed glad we were there. Am glad we went.

You did the right thing, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

She has passed. We attended funeral. Brother seemed glad we were there. Am glad we went.

Having just noticed this thread and seeing the original date I scanned to find out if there had been a conclusion. I would have encouraged you to go. FWIW I commend you for going, am so glad you did and that the reception was a good one. Perhaps this moment shared with him can bridge the gap between you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

She has passed. We attended funeral. Brother seemed glad we were there. Am glad we went.

Good for you OP. Thank you for the update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP^ here- hit submit before I addedd..

I've never regretted attending a funeral or memorial service, but I have regretted not attending one, even if I'm not close to the honoree.

This.