Anyone's ILs don't get gifts from you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always feel sad when I read posts like yours, OP. It's more important for you to be right than it is to live in a happy, healthy marriage. When you get married you merge families. Your DH's parents are part of your family now. Why are you keeping score on who is doing more in your marriage? You are supposed to be a team.

I've been married for 30 years. I've watched lots of marriages fail. In every singe case, the wife sounded exactly like you. If you continue this type of thinking, you will end up divorced. Maybe that's ok with you. But I promise you, your DH will not stay married to someone who keeps score, who is on the lookout for any perceived hint of unfair treatment, and who treats his family as less-than.

NP you just have to understand that this is a "modern" marriage, for better or worse. I am part of that generation but I cherish taking care of my extended family and do so with a smile on my face. Payoff, we have wonderful holidays and family celebrations and lots of great memories. I leave that "girl" stuff our of my family relationships, they are just too important so I agree with you, no keeping score, they are my family too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like you don't like his family. If you did like them, I'd say it's kinder to just do some kind of easy present like magazine subscription, hat-and-scarf, Harry & David, etc. Or order everything from Amazon and have it delivered directly to them. They know it's from you, and it's an easy way to do something nice. But if you don't want to, then don't.

This is so messed up. Would you assume her DH dislikes her family because he doesn't get gifts for them and send cards?

Adults need to take responsibility for their own actions - and no, you don't get a pass just because you're married.

I am basing it on the tone of her post, not really her actions in not getting them presents. If her husband was posting on here talking about how he just refuses to get presents for her family, then I would wonder if he had a problem with her family. If she doesn't want to get presents for her in-laws, that's totally fine. My point was that if she likes them, it's an easy thing to do to just use the internet and throw a little something or other their way. I personally don't pick this battle regarding my in-laws (but I sure as shit pick other battles about them! ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you, OP! I have stepped back and now let my dh deal with 99% of anything related to his family. Funny thing is, when I stepped back and stopped the reminders, his sister stepped up, and now she reminds him call their father on Father's Day, etc.

The things that really bugs me is that he has proven over and over again that he is fully capable of remember things that are important to him. A weekend trip to see a football game? Wow, he plans it, makes reservations, remembers to go, not a thing falls through the cracks. That's why I don't remind him about a damn thing.

Well said!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I realize that I might be training them to let their partner handle things, but I'd prefer that over being petty or controlling.

You know there are more than two ways of having a marriage. It's not "wife manages DH's family for him" or "wife is petty and controlling." Maybe focus on training your sons to build and maintain their own relationships with family members.

Yes!! We need to do a much better job of raising our sons.
Women have evolved in terms of independence and self reliance that many don't need husbands like 1950.
If men don't elvolve and grow up, they won't find themselves marriage material for long.

Men who are unable/unwilling to load the dish washer, run the vacuum and be a partner in child raising rather than occasional "babysitting " when asked, will be those 40 year old virgins.
Moms and Dads, do your sons a favor by raising them with 21 st century skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to send gifts and cards and framed pictures of the kids until MIL had a screaming match at me and accused me of not letting her see the kids. That's when I stopped everything and told husband it was all on him now. They haven't received a thing because he doesn't think ahead and is extremely lazy. We don't see them hardly at all anymore either.

I have told all of them, if they want a relationship with their son great then they can all figure it out. For example if you fil wants to go to lunch with husband, great. Call him, text him or email him. I'm out. But they still blame me and I truly don't get it. "He's your son, call him , go to lunch and yes he needs to call you too. "

I don't blame you for your reaction, pp. I've basically done the same thing except I still remind DH about Mother's Day and his parents' birthdays. He picks up the phone and calls them and orders flowers for his mom and me at the same time. I don't send presents to my family either since we'd rather go out for a meal instead of adding to our belongings. I do send graduation cards and checks to nephews and nieces on both sides and will also do the same for weddings, despite any strained feelings with their parents. That's what I feel comfortable doing.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're my hero. H's family is huge, and he's a terrible gift buyer. I always feel this guilt and pressure to do most of the gift buying for his family b/c they care about it. And it just breeds on itself. Let's be face it, as a fulltime working mom with a toddler I just don't have the same amount of free time as most of the women in his family who're sahms with adult children.

[Anonymous]

I manage the Christmas gifting. I like doing it and don't mind the job once a year. It brings me joy, so its not a burden. If it felt like a burden, I would have to talk with my DH about sharing the task.

I have put my foot down on Birthdays and additional holidays. (except for children- I do that) If DH wants to send gifts and/or cards he does. Most of the time, he doesn't. My family has chosen to no longer gift among the adults.

I also don't send additional little things, like pictures, artwork from the kids, etc. I send these to my family. I initially did to his family, but never received even acknowledgement of their arrival, let alone a thank you. My family is profusely grateful, displays the art, gushes over things, calls the kids to talk to them about it, offers to pay for additional photos, etc. Basically, they make me feel like my effort is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel sad when I read posts like yours, OP. It's more important for you to be right than it is to live in a happy, healthy marriage. When you get married you merge families. Your DH's parents are part of your family now. Why are you keeping score on who is doing more in your marriage? You are supposed to be a team.

I've been married for 30 years. I've watched lots of marriages fail. In every singe case, the wife sounded exactly like you. If you continue this type of thinking, you will end up divorced. Maybe that's ok with you. But I promise you, your DH will not stay married to someone who keeps score, who is on the lookout for any perceived hint of unfair treatment, and who treats his family as less-than.

And there are many unhappy marriages where the wife takes on almost all the responsibility for the home, child care, managing family relations, etc while working full-time as well. It's ok to set limits.

+1

+2

We both work full-time jobs. We both handle buying gifts for the adults in our respective families. Now, if I see something that I think his mother would like, I will mention it to him (or, if it's something small, I'll just buy it), and he does the same for my family. But ultimately, it's his responsibility to buy gifts for and send card to his parents and siblings, and it's mine to buy for my parents and siblings. We confer on gifts for our nieces and nephews. It's not about keeping score, it's about recognizing that we are both adults and I am not automatically responsible for managing his relationship with his family. Hell, he's known them a lot longer than I have, so why shouldn't he choose their gifts. As it is, I do all the work of planning birthday parties and buying birthday and Christmas gifts for the kids. I don't need more.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people overthink the whole process. Buy a box of cards and amazon gift certificates. It takes me an hour to deal with a huge family on 3 continents and even some friends of my ILs whom I got to know over 25 years. Don't drown in a glass of water.