Bromance interfereing with child rearing --- will he ever get it?

[Anonymous]

We're three pages in but I think the first PP got it right. Divorce. Your spouse does not care about your family or you. Your children know that he is not around. And he's clearly not prioritizing your marriage. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Three hours every night?! No, that's not normal past college, or maaaaybe into the twenties during the single years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three hours every night?! No, that's not normal past college, or maaaaybe into the twenties during the single years.

Yeah. Even my single guy friends don't spend that much time every night hanging out. My DH is great. We have a baby and he's always suggesting walks and activities or for me to take a break and go get my hair done and he spends as much time with us as he can. We both see friends with and without baby in tow. As far as I know all my couple friends are the same. The guys get together for dads night out once a month and sometimes for dads nigh in where they have the kids and the wives go out together or separately.
This is not to be mean but how did you get here what 4 years later and longer for your first kid? I feel like if my DH wanted to spend that much time away from me and the baby I would have said something in the first year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 years -- married for 7


His response is that I don't ask him to join us but my expectation is that he should WANT to join us.

Now I'm starting to think maybe I am the crazy one who expects things to run too smoothly.

What is "normal"?

OK, but where is that "expectation" getting you? If you want your husband to participate, tell him when and what time to be X and Y. Closed mouths don't get fed.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he's not having an affair? That's far more time than anyone I know (male, female, kids, no kids) spends hanging out with friends.

[Anonymous]

Count your blessings?! What blessings? He sounds like a borderline deadbeat dad who can't be bothered to spend quality time with his own kids! How is that in anyway a "blessing?" I can't believe you've hung in there this long. Marriage counseling then probably divorce.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself why you chose a partner who never really put you first.

What was attractive about marrying someone so immature? Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is a loving partnership? Would your want your children to be treated this way by their spouse?

You have chosen someone who abandons you every night. This is a no win situation, as you already lost long ago.
Perhaps you value safety over loving connection. That's fine, but be honest with yourself that this is all that your marriage is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 years -- married for 7


His response is that I don't ask him to join us but my expectation is that he should WANT to join us.

Now I'm starting to think maybe I am the crazy one who expects things to run too smoothly.

What is "normal"?

Okay he told you what he expects. Now you tell him. I expect you to stop spending time with the boys and start spending time with the children. Tell him he has to spend x number of days a week with the kids. There done. Do not make this hard with oh you should want to spend time with the kids or what ever. Seriously you are thinking about this too much.

+1
I sense that OP doesn't want to flat out tell him what she wants, she just wants him to be different. And that's not happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 years -- married for 7


His response is that I don't ask him to join us but my expectation is that he should WANT to join us.

Now I'm starting to think maybe I am the crazy one who expects things to run too smoothly.

What is "normal"?

I'm at 9 years, married for 7. He hangs out with a friend 2 times a week. Plus his other friend once. Plus he has work happy hour sometimes. It's one of our main reasons for arguments. We have a 3 year old and an INFANT.

[Anonymous]

Not normal. And the daily cigar smoking is a huge health concern.

What your looking at now is another 20 years with a man who doesn't really want to be around you or your children, 10 years of him getting lung cancer and dying a slow, painful death while you take care of him, then 10+ years of being sad and alone.

Have a talk with him and let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Do these guys not have jobs to go to? When does he have time to sleep, go to the gym, anything other than hanging out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Ask yourself why you chose a partner who never really put you first.

What was attractive about marrying someone so immature? Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is a loving partnership? Would your want your children to be treated this way by their spouse?

You have chosen someone who abandons you every night. This is a no win situation, as you already lost long ago.
Perhaps you value safety over loving connection. That's fine, but be honest with yourself that this is all that your marriage is about.

Not OP but I did post on here earlier. Damn lady where the hell were you when I needed to be told this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Ask yourself why you chose a partner who never really put you first.

What was attractive about marrying someone so immature? Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is a loving partnership? Would your want your children to be treated this way by their spouse?

You have chosen someone who abandons you every night. This is a no win situation, as you already lost long ago.
Perhaps you value safety over loving connection. That's fine, but be honest with yourself that this is all that your marriage is about.

Not OP but I did post on here earlier. Damn lady where the hell were you when I needed to be told this?

I will take this as a compliment, PP. I am a marriage counselor. Sometimes I come on here and give advice.
The thing about marriage is what might appear like hell to you or I is manageable to those living in the marriage. People marry the familiar, and this can be really hard to watch. I said these things because OP chose this man, and knew that is who he was. I threw out some things to explore that I thought might help the OP. It's painful and frightening to come to a place one realizes that you are a good, sweet person who doesn't deserve to feel so unloved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Ask yourself why you chose a partner who never really put you first.

What was attractive about marrying someone so immature? Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is a loving partnership? Would your want your children to be treated this way by their spouse?

You have chosen someone who abandons you every night. This is a no win situation, as you already lost long ago.
Perhaps you value safety over loving connection. That's fine, but be honest with yourself that this is all that your marriage is about.

Not OP but I did post on here earlier. Damn lady where the hell were you when I needed to be told this?

I will take this as a compliment, PP. I am a marriage counselor. Sometimes I come on here and give advice.
The thing about marriage is what might appear like hell to you or I is manageable to those living in the marriage. People marry the familiar, and this can be really hard to watch. I said these things because OP chose this man, and knew that is who he was. I threw out some things to explore that I thought might help the OP. It's painful and frightening to come to a place one realizes that you are a good, sweet person who doesn't deserve to feel so unloved.

Ah. That makes sense. It is good of you to come on here to give people advice. Hope the Op sees your post. You must be very good at what you do. Thank you.