Bromance interfereing with child rearing --- will he ever get it?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your husband is completely clueless when it comes to tending to his adult responsibilities.

As a Father, he should be making ample sacrifices for his children which he doesn't seem to be fully making.

Do you have a third party that can discuss this issue w/him since he doesn't seem to be listening much to you??

[Anonymous]

So let's use the store example since that happened today. So his reason was that I didn't ask however he was getting ready to go to hang with the boys. Nothing urgent or time sensitive going on with his friends.

Will asking really change things?

He has such a sense of urgency for them but never initiates anything with the kids.

Are most men gathering the family to go out for walks or suggesting shows or movies to watch together if it's raining out? Am I too unrealistic? I'm not sure as to what other people do when everyone is home at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is normal?

Well, I've been with my DH 15 years too. Married for almost 11. We have 3 kids.

He gets together with male friends about once a month or so, in our house or someone else's, for a sports game or card game or something. After lunch or before dinner. If it goes on too long, I give him a signal. He packs it up.

Your husband's life sounds absolutely miserable.

I'm probably closer to OP's husband than most, but if she's not exaggerating then yeah he probably needs to dial it back some. That said, men need to be with other men, always have always will. Would you rather your husband be a huge p*ssy who has to ask for permission to have lunch with his friends once a month (and "packs it up" as soon as his wife gives him a look)? So pathetic.

If you say so, dude.

[Anonymous]

I have kids the same age as yours. DH never goes out with friends because he has always been a loner. I go out with friends either one day or evening every other week. To me, of course, my amount seems normal, but people's opinions may vary. However, the range of normal does not include the amount that you say your husband is going out. That's excessive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband is completely clueless when it comes to tending to his adult responsibilities.

As a Father, he should be making ample sacrifices for his children which he doesn't seem to be fully making.

Do you have a third party that can discuss this issue w/him since he doesn't seem to be listening much to you??

I don't have a third party so I'm using this thread as a gauge.

No exaggerations this is a daily thing with him and his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is normal?

Well, I've been with my DH 15 years too. Married for almost 11. We have 3 kids.

He gets together with male friends about once a month or so, in our house or someone else's, for a sports game or card game or something. After lunch or before dinner. If it goes on too long, I give him a signal. He packs it up.

About once/month is our normal too. Married 22yrs. No kids. They might do a dinner and movie on a week night (some action flick that I don't like). Or a game on a weekend afternoon. Fri and Sat nights are reserved for us, but they've done an occasional one when it's something special. Like there was a comedian one time who they all love, or the Nats playoff game, that type of thing.

I do a girl thing about once/month as well

[Anonymous]

Are most men gathering the family to go out for walks or suggesting shows or movies to watch together if it's raining out? Am I too unrealistic? I'm not sure as to what other people do when everyone is home at the same time.

No. My husband definitely spends a lot of time with the kids but honestly, a lot of it is spent playing video games or watching shows on Cartoon Network that I don't particularly enjoy. Not what I would choose for them to be doing, and not what I want to do, but at least they're hanging out I guess.

[Anonymous]

I think you know something is missing in your family life OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband is always with his guy friends -- always has been but now that the kids are older (2nd grade and preschool) it's interfering with time spent with them. He's the only one with kids and a wife and they are all late thirties - early forties so at this point it's unlikely to change. I'm talking every night they have to catch up for three/four hours smoke cigars and just talk. All live within minutes of each other by choice. Weekends too .. itjust never ends.

Asking him to spend more time with the kids has not set in -- I'm at a loss for how to explain it at this point. It's the main issue in our marriage -- count my blessings and suck it up or keep asking until he finally gets it?

Are you sure he's not having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 years -- married for 7

His response is that I don't ask him to join us but my expectation is that he should WANT to join us. Now I'm starting to think maybe I am the crazy one who expects things to run too smoothly.

What is "normal"?

My kids are kinder and 3.5. DH and I each go out once a week to get together with friends. Then we have date night together one night a week. EVERYTHING ELSE besides work is done as a family. We may get together with two other families, but all the wives and kids will be there too.

[Anonymous]

Didn't you discuss this before you had a second child? What you are describing is NOT normal. He should want to be home with you and the kids. Getting together with friends is generally a once or twice a month thing at most. We always have lots of home repair and maintenance to do as well. Does he do any of that? Do you have any family around to discuss this with?

[Anonymous]

It's okay to ask for what you want. If you want to start doing some sort of family night, tell him! "Dh, Friday night is going to be family night. We're ordering pizza and watching Cars and I expect you to be there." Speak up!!

[Anonymous]

Speak up or try marriage counseling if you need to really get it through to him that he needs to dial it back bc he's got a family. I wouldn't put up w/ a nightly event. How often do you get out w/ your friends?

[Anonymous]

Surely you knew how he was 1) before you married him and 2) before you had kids. Yet, you married him and had kids with him. I STRONGLY suspect OP was the one who REALLY wanted kids (remember the thread from awhile back where the woman wanted kids so badly that she was going to tell her fiancé or DH, whatever he was, that she would raise the kids all by herself because she just wanted them so badly? This reminds me of that). I suspect DH was ambivalent or didn't want them as badly, and now OP wants him to be superdad when he probably didn't want to sign up for this in the first place. If she went into the marriage and parenthood with this as the case, I don't feel bad for her, and he is entitled to live the life he signed up for.
--Happily Childless Woman and This Is Why

[Anonymous]

That's how my husband was-and it killed our marriage. He was using a lot of that time to avoid me and avoid dealing with problems. He does see the kids more now that we're separated, but he missed out on so much of their lives, and is still missing so much time he could have had with them. I think he would say he's a comitted, involved father, but he's so oblivious to things going on with them and I don't think he'll ever understand or appreciate the damage he has done to his relationship.