The type who gets cheated on

[Anonymous]

Cheaters are acting on their narcissistic entitlement. I deserve sex, I deserve more, I deserve better, and deceiving and hurting another person is irrelevant while I tend to my own desires. Is there a type that tends to be more attracted to narcissists? Probably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This has been proven to not be true. Sexually happy and sexually neglected men cheat at the same rate.

Some studies show men cheat when they feel emotionally disconnected, but if you read on these boards what happens when the sex dries up - men say they feel emotionally disconnected. A lack of sex is among the root causes of the emotional disconnect. Which is also why men don't leave their wives for APs. They aren't unhappy in the marriage, they are unhappy with the lack of sex. (other studies show the prime reason men cheat is for sex).

If you want to think there is no difference between the likelihood of a man cheating in a sexually fulfilling marriage or a man in a sexless marriage, go for it, it must provide you some comfort.

It's still about the man. Would you be okay with your daughter's husband cheating on her and your grandchikdren?

I would hope my son-in-law isn't sleeping with my grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This has been proven to not be true. Sexually happy and sexually neglected men cheat at the same rate.

Some studies show men cheat when they feel emotionally disconnected, but if you read on these boards what happens when the sex dries up - men say they feel emotionally disconnected. A lack of sex is among the root causes of the emotional disconnect. Which is also why men don't leave their wives for APs. They aren't unhappy in the marriage, they are unhappy with the lack of sex. (other studies show the prime reason men cheat is for sex).

If you want to think there is no difference between the likelihood of a man cheating in a sexually fulfilling marriage or a man in a sexless marriage, go for it, it must provide you some comfort.

It's still about the man. Would you be okay with your daughter's husband cheating on her and your grandchikdren?

I would hope my son-in-law isn't sleeping with my grandchildren.

So you don't think children are affected in any way by their father's cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This has been proven to not be true. Sexually happy and sexually neglected men cheat at the same rate.

Some studies show men cheat when they feel emotionally disconnected, but if you read on these boards what happens when the sex dries up - men say they feel emotionally disconnected. A lack of sex is among the root causes of the emotional disconnect. Which is also why men don't leave their wives for APs. They aren't unhappy in the marriage, they are unhappy with the lack of sex. (other studies show the prime reason men cheat is for sex).

If you want to think there is no difference between the likelihood of a man cheating in a sexually fulfilling marriage or a man in a sexless marriage, go for it, it must provide you some comfort.

It's still about the man. Would you be okay with your daughter's husband cheating on her and your grandchikdren?

I would hope my son-in-law isn't sleeping with my grandchildren.

So you don't think children are affected in any way by their father's cheating?

Children are affected by lots of things the father does. Including how many hours he reads with the children, having dinner together as a family, being a provider, saving enough in their 529s to go to a good school. I don't see how the fact that dad had sex with a colleague back in 2009 on a work trip as affecting kid's math scores, but feel free to fill me in. If you are implying that marital discord affects childhood development, I totally agree with you. Which is why kids are much better off with intact families, even if it means that parents who aren't able or refuse to meet reasonable sexual needs get those fulfilled outside of marriage, than those who divorce.

Although if you are the type that involves your kids in your sexual lives, either marital or extra-marital, then yes, children will be affected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters are acting on their narcissistic entitlement. I deserve sex, I deserve more, I deserve better, and deceiving and hurting another person is irrelevant while I tend to my own desires. Is there a type that tends to be more attracted to narcissists? Probably.

So do you think the OP will cheat? She has already admitted to cheating on past boyfriends. Sounds like she has that narcissistic entitlement going on.

[Anonymous]

The above sentence was not meant to say he was cheating with the grandchildren. I meant cheating on your daughter when she has young children, which is about when a lot of marital problems start to come up. Of course weirder things happen in some families.

If one makes excuses with one's own sexual boundaries, someone else can also be justified in making the same excuses, and maybe that would be your son-in-law. So then you have to be okay with the deep pain that creates for your own daughter, as if that won't affect her ability to parent her children, or the childrens' abilities to feel secure and trust their own parents. The anxiety is felt in the family whether anything is actually said or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters are acting on their narcissistic entitlement. I deserve sex, I deserve more, I deserve better, and deceiving and hurting another person is irrelevant while I tend to my own desires. Is there a type that tends to be more attracted to narcissists? Probably.

So do you think the OP will cheat? She has already admitted to cheating on past boyfriends. Sounds like she has that narcissistic entitlement going on.

People who are quite nice, loyal, and loving can be drawn to emotionally distant or narcissistic types, because they grew up with a parent like that, and it's what feels normal to them. Then they can get stuck in this dynamic with their partner, where they're actually acting out a need to win over that distant/disordered parent, so they can feel they really were worthy of being loved. Been there, done it.

Entitlement feelings often come from feelings of inadequacy, oddly enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters are acting on their narcissistic entitlement. I deserve sex, I deserve more, I deserve better, and deceiving and hurting another person is irrelevant while I tend to my own desires. Is there a type that tends to be more attracted to narcissists? Probably.

I find the accusations of "narcissists" on DCUM entirely overdone...pathologizing assholery is a way of avoiding dealing with complicated issues. All people - all mentally healthy people - have some narcissistic traits: liking yourself and loving yourself are prerequisites to being a well-adjusted healthy adult. That said....

I think the original posts touched on a dynamic which is often framed in a "saint" vs. "user" dichotomy...and I want to suggest that dichotomy might also be expressed as "doormat" vs. "user" dichotomy. It is important to have self-respect/regard (cue: narcissism) and we all telegraph to others how we expect to be treated by showing them how we treat and regard ourselves.

This is why women are drawn to "bad boys" and men are drawn to "bitches": they signal that they consider themselves worthwhile and that we'd better work at it to get them. People chase scarcity.

Yes, people who cheat are generally looking for a way to shore up their weak ego - they are looking for external validation (this is what real narcissists are after - they do not really love themselves - they need that validation externally) - they are looking for an 'easy' way to get their legitimate needs for sex, love, affection, validation met - they don't believe they actually deserve that from their spouses, so they don't demand it...instead, they cheat. They steal what they don't think they deserve (but crave). So, nope being cheated on isn't so much a reflection of the spouse as of the cheater - there is a type who are cheaters.

But there is also a type who are drawn to insecure, poor self-image people - and that type winds up disproportionately with people who are prone to cheating. They are also telegraphing "no self respect" to those who would take advantage of them.