Mother will never get over my decision to have a career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone is attractive and appealing enough to be courted by a rich husband

that works out well, because most men aren't rich or attractive anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. I had a great childhood too with a SAHM who sewed my costumes. When I had my first kid and put him in daycare she was not OK with it.... But it wasn't because she didn't want be to have a career, it's because she was worried my kid would not get the care he should. She ended up offering to be the caregiver for my child and it has been amazing for everyone. Maybe your mom wants to be involved? You could ask if she'd like to help make the costumes... Or maybe I am giving your mom too much credit.

I'll be the first to admit that I would be really sad if my grandchild was in daycare. My DIL SAH, so it's not an issue. Unlike the OPs mother, I wouldn't say anything negative about it. It's not my place. But I would offer to take care of the baby to keep him out of daycare.

Several posters are suggesting jealousy - I really doubt that's the cause. It's much more likely that your mother thinks kids need mom or dad as a primary caregiver when they are young. As a grandparent, I can understand that. Again, I would never say anything to my son or DIL about their parenting choices, but it would kill me to think of my grandbaby in daycare all day.

Sounds like you should have spent a few years in the workforce once your kids were in school. You would've gained some perspective.

I did. I worked for many, many years when my kids were older. Listen, I have every right to express my feelings in a thread about why Grandma might be upset about daycare. I think I was very clear that I would never say anything to my kids about their parenting decisions. It's not my place. However, I do feel strongly that many of the problems we are seeing as a society are directly related to babies and young toddlers being forced into daycare at a such a young age. I think it's about way more than simply separation from mom or dad. It's a shift in priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with my mom who says - so what type of costumes will you be buying for the kids this year for Halloween? I have such memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes, but I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love given your important career...

I've heard a version of this comment every year for 10 years now! She constantly makes disapproving comments about my decision to work after having kids and it's gotten to the point that I barely want to talk with her. She was a wonderful, supportive mom throughout my childhood but her behavior to me as an adult is anything but. I don't know that we'll ever get past this.

It only rattles you because you allow it. Think of it in these terms - why is it so important to you that your mother thinks you're a good mom? You KNOW you're a good mom. So just laugh at it. "You know what, mom? They totally never WILL get these expressions of a mother's love. Let's have a good cry together over this. Three, Four: BOOO HOOOOO!" Then giggle some more and move on. Make her feel ridiculous. Because she is. This is your time to brush it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she can't, but you shouldn't interpret every comment she makes as a judgment against you. So what? She asked what costumes are you buying? I would take it as a question not a judgment.

Just because something was an issue in the past does not mean it is the subtext for every conversation.

Just stop. Don't let it bother you. She raised kids in a different time. It was a lot easier to live on one income then. Comparing yourself to her and vice versa is apples to oranges.

Seriously, the OP is pathetic.

OP stop reading into every little comment. Perhaps your mom is just recounting some of the nice things she did for you as a kid.

Tell her "Thank you. Those costumes were great."

how else is OP supposed to interpret: Just got off the phone with my mom who says - so what type of costumes will you be buying for the kids this year for Halloween? I have such memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes, but I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love given your important career That isn't a nice thing to say, and OP isn't misconstruing anything.

+1

PPs must not know what it's like to have a passive-aggressive parent. Or they'll eat any amount of shit, as long as it's fed to them by a blood relative. "but but but...FAMILY!"

No. Respect is earned, not given simply because we share DNA.

I actually think PPs are the passive aggressive parents. There are several older mothers/ MILs posting here who have really bad relationships and are estranged from the younger generations in their families. According to them, the old moms can do no wrongs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. I had a great childhood too with a SAHM who sewed my costumes. When I had my first kid and put him in daycare she was not OK with it.... But it wasn't because she didn't want be to have a career, it's because she was worried my kid would not get the care he should. She ended up offering to be the caregiver for my child and it has been amazing for everyone. Maybe your mom wants to be involved? You could ask if she'd like to help make the costumes... Or maybe I am giving your mom too much credit.

I'll be the first to admit that I would be really sad if my grandchild was in daycare. My DIL SAH, so it's not an issue. Unlike the OPs mother, I wouldn't say anything negative about it. It's not my place. But I would offer to take care of the baby to keep him out of daycare.

Several posters are suggesting jealousy - I really doubt that's the cause. It's much more likely that your mother thinks kids need mom or dad as a primary caregiver when they are young. As a grandparent, I can understand that. Again, I would never say anything to my son or DIL about their parenting choices, but it would kill me to think of my grandbaby in daycare all day.

Sounds like you should have spent a few years in the workforce once your kids were in school. You would've gained some perspective.

I did. I worked for many, many years when my kids were older. Listen, I have every right to express my feelings in a thread about why Grandma might be upset about daycare. I think I was very clear that I would never say anything to my kids about their parenting decisions. It's not my place. However, I do feel strongly that many of the problems we are seeing as a society are directly related to babies and young toddlers being forced into daycare at a such a young age. I think it's about way more than simply separation from mom or dad. It's a shift in priorities.

Are you really totally unaware of the severe societal problems that existed before daycare became a widespread institution? I'd never in a million years want to go back to those times. Yikes.

However, I think it shows good judgment that you don't express your opinion to your kids. In contrast, OP's mother sounds mentally off, not just worried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with my mom who says - so what type of costumes will you be buying for the kids this year for Halloween? I have such memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes, but I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love given your important career...

Sometimes you have to translate what they say into what you think they really meant if they could communicate properly. What she meant was, "I have such wonderful memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes. It was an expression of my love for you. It makes me sad to think your kids don't have special costumes. Would you like me to sew them costumes or help you make costumes for them? I would love to hear what special things you do for your kids that are an expression of your love for them."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with my mom who says - so what type of costumes will you be buying for the kids this year for Halloween? I have such memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes, but I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love given your important career...

Sometimes you have to translate what they say into what you think they really meant if they could communicate properly. What she meant was, "I have such wonderful memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes. It was an expression of my love for you. It makes me sad to think your kids don't have special costumes. Would you like me to sew them costumes or help you make costumes for them? I would love to hear what special things you do for your kids that are an expression of your love for them."

Not OP, but I can't agree with that. Maybe if she said "your kids will never have homemade costumes", then yes. But with the "expressions of a mother's love" and "your important career"...that's snark.