Mother will never get over my decision to have a career and kids

[Anonymous]

My mom has never gotten over the fact that I quit my career and stayed home with my kids. She frequently makes disparaging comments over my choice, including lamenting to others while I'm in the room that I used to be so smart' then trails off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with OP because my mom was great mother when I was young and I thought that our great relationship would extend into adulthood. As she has aged my mother has developed a number of problems, largely of her own making, that have fundamentally altered her personality and made her into someone I don't enjoy spending time with. Although the new situation is no longer new I have no idea how to spend time with her. I actually dislike her; she is the antithesis of the person she raised me to be. It's very disconcerting to experience such a change in what was once a good relationship. I can't be a good daughter anymore because of her changed expectations of what she wants from the relationship.

You haven't changed as well? Have you considered that she has dementia or early-onset Altzheimer's. If she, and only she, has changed so drastically, then there is quite likely a medical problem. Why haven't you explored such possibilities? You sound selfish, entitled, and mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with OP because my mom was great mother when I was young and I thought that our great relationship would extend into adulthood. As she has aged my mother has developed a number of problems, largely of her own making, that have fundamentally altered her personality and made her into someone I don't enjoy spending time with. Although the new situation is no longer new I have no idea how to spend time with her. I actually dislike her; she is the antithesis of the person she raised me to be. It's very disconcerting to experience such a change in what was once a good relationship. I can't be a good daughter anymore because of her changed expectations of what she wants from the relationship.

You haven't changed as well? Have you considered that she has dementia or early-onset Altzheimer's. If she, and only she, has changed so drastically, then there is quite likely a medical problem. Why haven't you explored such possibilities? You sound selfish, entitled, and mean.

How do you know OP hasn't ruled those things out? Your insistence on jumping to crazy conclusions proves you're trolling (badly) or are dumb. Oh, I'm sorry--or that you have dementia. I'm so sorry about your health problem, PP. Losing your mind must be tragic.

[Anonymous]

Ladies let's support each other and our personal decisions. OP's mother equates love with homemade costumes which is sad. She raised her children her way and needs to respect OP's way.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can ask her if she's concerned about it, she can make your kids' costumes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she can't, but you shouldn't interpret every comment she makes as a judgment against you. So what? She asked what costumes are you buying? I would take it as a question not a judgment.

Just because something was an issue in the past does not mean it is the subtext for every conversation.

Just stop. Don't let it bother you. She raised kids in a different time. It was a lot easier to live on one income then. Comparing yourself to her and vice versa is apples to oranges.

Umm, did you read what the mother said? It was a direct statement that OPs kids suffer because of OPs career. Not much subtext.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is a bitch, OP.

Just ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she can't, but you shouldn't interpret every comment she makes as a judgment against you. So what? She asked what costumes are you buying? I would take it as a question not a judgment.

Just because something was an issue in the past does not mean it is the subtext for every conversation.

Just stop. Don't let it bother you. She raised kids in a different time. It was a lot easier to live on one income then. Comparing yourself to her and vice versa is apples to oranges.

Seriously, the OP is pathetic.

OP stop reading into every little comment. Perhaps your mom is just recounting some of the nice things she did for you as a kid.

Tell her "Thank you. Those costumes were great."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has very little to do with you and a lot to do with her own emotional issues: She's competitive with you and threatened by you; she's worried that you're the better mother; she's worried your children love you more than you love her. Etc. "Lavishing care" doesn't mean she didn't or doesn't have significant emotional issues.

I don't get this at all. Weird post.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. My mom didn't have a career, didn't want one, and doesn't regret it. And yet she is proud and thrilled that I've made my own choices, even though they don't look like the ones she made. That's how emotionally healthy people act. Your mom is not emotionally healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she can't, but you shouldn't interpret every comment she makes as a judgment against you. So what? She asked what costumes are you buying? I would take it as a question not a judgment.

Just because something was an issue in the past does not mean it is the subtext for every conversation.

Just stop. Don't let it bother you. She raised kids in a different time. It was a lot easier to live on one income then. Comparing yourself to her and vice versa is apples to oranges.

Seriously, the OP is pathetic.

OP stop reading into every little comment. Perhaps your mom is just recounting some of the nice things she did for you as a kid.

Tell her "Thank you. Those costumes were great."

how else is OP supposed to interpret: Just got off the phone with my mom who says - so what type of costumes will you be buying for the kids this year for Halloween? I have such memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes, but I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love given your important career That isn't a nice thing to say, and OP isn't misconstruing anything.

[Anonymous]

My mom worked very part time when I was young but had an interesting career that she was very good at. The way she and my dad treated it though, was like a hobby, not an income source. Now they are ready to retire and have nothing. It's going to be a problem and is one of many reasons why I maintain my full time schedule. Of course she thinks I work too much. Can't win op.

That said, my mom always made awesome costumes for us. I aspire to that too despite my career. I made an Olaf costume for my son two years ago and felt extremely proud. Maybe you should reach out to meet your mom halfway and try to do some of the things she's so focused on (I'm not saying that would make you a better mom but rather that it might give you some points to connect on). Good luck and be zen.

[Anonymous]

Id just tell her you are glad HER memories are good, but you can remember her slaving away, annoyed at having to do the costumes and you'd rather spend quality time with your kids, not sewing. Your time is worth more than that.

(I sew and woh, and there are times sewing isn't worth it)

[Anonymous]

The best solution is to be your best self and learn from this.

Keep a diary about all of these hurtful comments and the way they made you feel. When your teenager makes a choice you hate, remember how you felt when you received judgment instead of attempts to understand and connect.

Someday your children will be grown. They will take paths you might not have chosen. Before you respond, think about how you wished your mother would have handled your points of difference. Be the person she should have been for you.

This is how I keep myself grounded. Unlike you I don't have fond childhood memories of my mom. She made me feel terrible for my whole life. I always kept journals and now, as an adult, my silver lining is that I can use those experiences to stay on course as a parent.

It really works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has very little to do with you and a lot to do with her own emotional issues: She's competitive with you and threatened by you; she's worried that you're the better mother; she's worried your children love you more than you love her. Etc. "Lavishing care" doesn't mean she didn't or doesn't have significant emotional issues.

I don't get this at all. Weird post.

What don't you understand? Mother is extremely insecure and jealous and putting her daughter down. Clinical case to the point. She is competing with her own daughter. Sick.