Mother will never get over my decision to have a career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her. Tell her she is ruining your wonderful childhood and the foundation of your relationship with these comments. Tell her that she is still your mother now, and you still need a supportive and loving mother NOW.

This. have the awkward convo and don't finish it by being blown off, make her sit in it with you until it's got at least some resolution.

also I'm at home for a year right now with my.kids and full on not sewing costumes! times have changed!

[Anonymous]

When my mom starts in with the criticism (for her, my children aren't in enough extracurriculars, I'm not doing enough, etc) I change the subject or end the conversation. I don't call as much. I have come to accept that I can't change her.

I think she is insecure about giving up her career when she married, but she doesn't need to take that out on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she can't, but you shouldn't interpret every comment she makes as a judgment against you. So what? She asked what costumes are you buying? I would take it as a question not a judgment.

Just because something was an issue in the past does not mean it is the subtext for every conversation.

Just stop. Don't let it bother you. She raised kids in a different time. It was a lot easier to live on one income then. Comparing yourself to her and vice versa is apples to oranges.

Seriously, the OP is pathetic.

OP stop reading into every little comment. Perhaps your mom is just recounting some of the nice things she did for you as a kid.

Tell her "Thank you. Those costumes were great."

how else is OP supposed to interpret: Just got off the phone with my mom who says - so what type of costumes will you be buying for the kids this year for Halloween? I have such memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes, but I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love given your important career That isn't a nice thing to say, and OP isn't misconstruing anything.

Agree. It's not a nice thing to say at all. The result of repeated comments like this is the relationship drifts apart. Even if you still see each other often, you stop sharing things because you know the response will be judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Your Mom: "I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love because of your career."

You: (silence for a moment, then) "What a terribly rude thing to say." (said gently but firmly)

Then move on. If your mother doesn't get the point then, she never will. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

[Anonymous]

She is jealous that you have opportunities she couldn't have. Have a heart to heart with her, this needs to stop.

I admire my mom for many reasons, but she absolutely hates my brother's wife because the latter gets a lot of help and pampering from my brother while SAH. My mom did everything in the household herself while WOH full time. She just can't get over that someone else having it better than her for no apparent reason (other than being wise in picking a partner).

[Anonymous]

My mom got horribly upset when I decided to work part time instead of full time. She was obsessed that I would get fired. She seems to have no memory that she worked part time until I was in K. My point is moms judge whether you do what they did or not. I finally just cut my mom off when she was being insulting. And I realized it has more tondo with her than me. It's like she never outgrew high school cattiness.

So stop engaging in the fight. As soon as your mom starts prattling on with insults, tell her you need to go. Or tell her straight out to stop.

[Anonymous]

That sucks, OP. I had a great childhood too with a SAHM who sewed my costumes. When I had my first kid and put him in daycare she was not OK with it.... But it wasn't because she didn't want be to have a career, it's because she was worried my kid would not get the care he should. She ended up offering to be the caregiver for my child and it has been amazing for everyone. Maybe your mom wants to be involved? You could ask if she'd like to help make the costumes... Or maybe I am giving your mom too much credit.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell her, "everytime you make a nasty comment like that I will hand up". Then follow through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell her, "everytime you make a nasty comment like that I will hand up". Then follow through.

This is what I do. Sometimes my phone conversations with my mom are *mighty* short as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, my mother didn't have a career and she NEVER made my Halloween costumes. She also never had just-baked cookies for me to eat as I came home from school. She also never made my birthday cakes. They were from Carvel - just like I wanted them to be.

I wanted the cookies, but never wanted the costumes hand-made.

Everyone shows love in their own ways.

Exactly. My mom was a SAHM and never sewed almost never baked. She shows her love and other ways.

I think my mom would have been better happier being a working parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with my mom who says - so what type of costumes will you be buying for the kids this year for Halloween? I have such memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes, but I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love given your important career....

Tell her homemade costumes are an embarrassing poor people thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she can't, but you shouldn't interpret every comment she makes as a judgment against you. So what? She asked what costumes are you buying? I would take it as a question not a judgment.

Just because something was an issue in the past does not mean it is the subtext for every conversation.

Just stop. Don't let it bother you. She raised kids in a different time. It was a lot easier to live on one income then. Comparing yourself to her and vice versa is apples to oranges.

Seriously, the OP is pathetic.

OP stop reading into every little comment. Perhaps your mom is just recounting some of the nice things she did for you as a kid.

Tell her "Thank you. Those costumes were great."

how else is OP supposed to interpret: Just got off the phone with my mom who says - so what type of costumes will you be buying for the kids this year for Halloween? I have such memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes, but I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love given your important career That isn't a nice thing to say, and OP isn't misconstruing anything.

+1

PPs must not know what it's like to have a passive-aggressive parent. Or they'll eat any amount of shit, as long as it's fed to them by a blood relative. "but but but...FAMILY!"

No. Respect is earned, not given simply because we share DNA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. I had a great childhood too with a SAHM who sewed my costumes. When I had my first kid and put him in daycare she was not OK with it.... But it wasn't because she didn't want be to have a career, it's because she was worried my kid would not get the care he should. She ended up offering to be the caregiver for my child and it has been amazing for everyone. Maybe your mom wants to be involved? You could ask if she'd like to help make the costumes... Or maybe I am giving your mom too much credit.

I'll be the first to admit that I would be really sad if my grandchild was in daycare. My DIL SAH, so it's not an issue. Unlike the OPs mother, I wouldn't say anything negative about it. It's not my place. But I would offer to take care of the baby to keep him out of daycare.

Several posters are suggesting jealousy - I really doubt that's the cause. It's much more likely that your mother thinks kids need mom or dad as a primary caregiver when they are young. As a grandparent, I can understand that. Again, I would never say anything to my son or DIL about their parenting choices, but it would kill me to think of my grandbaby in daycare all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. I had a great childhood too with a SAHM who sewed my costumes. When I had my first kid and put him in daycare she was not OK with it.... But it wasn't because she didn't want be to have a career, it's because she was worried my kid would not get the care he should. She ended up offering to be the caregiver for my child and it has been amazing for everyone. Maybe your mom wants to be involved? You could ask if she'd like to help make the costumes... Or maybe I am giving your mom too much credit.

I'll be the first to admit that I would be really sad if my grandchild was in daycare. My DIL SAH, so it's not an issue. Unlike the OPs mother, I wouldn't say anything negative about it. It's not my place. But I would offer to take care of the baby to keep him out of daycare.

Several posters are suggesting jealousy - I really doubt that's the cause. It's much more likely that your mother thinks kids need mom or dad as a primary caregiver when they are young. As a grandparent, I can understand that. Again, I would never say anything to my son or DIL about their parenting choices, but it would kill me to think of my grandbaby in daycare all day.

Sounds like you should have spent a few years in the workforce once your kids were in school. You would've gained some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone is attractive and appealing enough to be courted by a rich husband