Separating

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in the same boat as you. HS aged kids, been having problems for months. Counseling hasn't helped. DH is depressed and sad. He wants out. No love for me any more. There is no affair. I have access to everything and he's only out of the house and away from us for work.

We were actually going to seperate a few weeks ago but he put on the brakes. My counselor thought it was important to tell the kids ASAP (early August) so they had a few weeks to process before school started. Now we're back on track to separate but school starts next week. Not sure how to handle the timing of disclosure at this point (one kid is starting freshman year- stressful enough without his world blowing up).

My counselor also suggested having the details worked out before telling the kids. Living arrangements, etc, so the kids have less to worry about since plans are in place.

I have a feeling once you set the ball in motion to actually separate your husband may put the brakes on. Mine freaked out once the details were worked out and took a step back. But now that's he's had some time he still wants to go forward. And I'm like you- realizing that I need to let him go for both of our sakes.

We can walk this road together.

[Anonymous]

You asked how others have shared with their children that the parents were separating.

It your circumstance, rather than wait until after the vacation, I'd consider telling them before you head out by a couple of days. Give them time to ask questions. The vacation is a way of demonstrating to them that you'll still be a family. They will still be their father's children. You also have him there to explain himself, which is important.

My kids were so young when this happened, and XH already so distant that the questions didn't come for a good long while. They assumed daddy was working. I had to explain that he needed time to think about his decisions, and always underscored how much he loved them. Still, the shit bastard got away with never taking responsibility to them about his behavior and the choices he made. He was so bitter about me "kicking him out" it was probably better that he stayed away. Still, since your STBX initiated things, he should be there to handle the children's transition and help them through it.

As for the sex, OP, who can blame you? You've been trying to figure out what's going on with him and he gives you a cue, he invites intimacy. Of course you would respond. Don't waste the energy blaming yourself for continuing to be a partner while things are so new. I bet none of it feels real yet.

I'd be afraid that his departure after the holiday will hit the kids harder than if they've been prepped and given time with the two of you to manage an adjustment. Also, I totally own the fact that him getting out of all the discomfort of having to deal with them chafes. All of the guilty feelings and shame, those are his to deal with, OP. Why should you have to clean up all the pain he caused? Why should you have to suffer silently throughout the vacation, knowing it's all a lie? The children will have to make the jump from a happy family vacation to dad being gone. You, in mourning. The kids, utterly oblivious the whole trip. That's not fair to anyone. Sure is convenient for STBX though, isn't it?

Instead of trying to figure him out, start talking to STBX about the logistics. When will he see the children? What about events you already have planned or responsibilities he currently has as it relates to the children? He may be driving this bus, but if you're forced to ride it, you need to know the conditions, the path, basically where it's headed and what that's gonna look like. Hold him accountable and keep your head high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make yourself do it. That's going to be the life of co-parenting after divorce; might as well practise

+1. Get used to disappointing your kids and hearing their unhappy reaction. This is going to be your new normal as they adjust.

You're a worhtless, evil, hateful douchebag. Go away and don't come back.

[Anonymous]

I'm so, so sorry OP. I see this coming down the road from my DH. He's so miserable and soy happy and moody and just won't talk about it or so anything about it. He pushes me away if I bring it up. I canto tally see him just getting an apartment t and that's that. It's no way to live.

If he tries to have sex with you again..."You're breaking my heart and breaking up our family. Why are you even here? Do you want to get back together? If not, get out."

Given the massive boundary violation last night, I would reconsider the vacation. Or at least, as someone suggested, tell the kids first, so they can begin to wrap their heads around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so, so sorry OP. I see this coming down the road from my DH. He's so miserable and soy happy and moody and just won't talk about it or so anything about it. He pushes me away if I bring it up. I canto tally see him just getting an apartment t and that's that. It's no way to live.

If he tries to have sex with you again..."You're breaking my heart and breaking up our family. Why are you even here? Do you want to get back together? If not, get out."

Given the massive boundary violation last night, I would reconsider the vacation. Or at least, as someone suggested, tell the kids first, so they can begin to wrap their heads around it.

I agree. What are your sleeping arrangements during the vacation, and will you need to share a room? If you don't share a room, what will you tell the kids about it? I posted earlier that you should try to make the vacation work, but after this I'm reconsidering and possibly you should explain and use the vacation to let them get used to the idea without other distractions. He can be gone when you return, so they don't have the trauma of watching him carry bags and boxes out. I'm not totally sold on this idea either, but it might be worth considering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Good question. I don't know why. I was thinking maybe his reaching out was a sign he wanted to reconcile, and I still do love him so much.

I'm starting to come to terms with this. It isn't what I want, but I don't know this man and I don't like this man. I wouldn't have married this man. I'm going to go through our family vacation and then let him go.

Still trying to figure out what to say to my boys. Don't want to put them in the middle of things, but also don't want them to think their fathers actions are ok.

You love him, you don't like him and wouldn't have married him.

You are planning to separate, you have sex with him.

I think you REALLY need to get to some individual counseling STAT. You are full of conflict on this. You need someone to talk you through what you are thinking and feeling so you can be whole and make decisions from a settled place so you do what's right for yourself and your kids.

I would take your kids on the vacation by yourself if I were you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the advice. We have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow, and we are both going with the intent of figuring out what and when to tell the kids.

On top of that, STBX tells me this morning that he's not sure he wants to move out anymore right after vacation.

This just solidified in my mind the need to move forward with the separation. He's waffling, and it is destructive and hurtful. It isn't healthy for the boys.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in the same boat as you. HS aged kids, been having problems for months. Counseling hasn't helped. DH is depressed and sad. He wants out. No love for me any more. There is no affair. I have access to everything and he's only out of the house and away from us for work.

We were actually going to seperate a few weeks ago but he put on the brakes. My counselor thought it was important to tell the kids ASAP (early August) so they had a few weeks to process before school started. Now we're back on track to separate but school starts next week. Not sure how to handle the timing of disclosure at this point (one kid is starting freshman year- stressful enough without his world blowing up).

My counselor also suggested having the details worked out before telling the kids. Living arrangements, etc, so the kids have less to worry about since plans are in place.

I have a feeling once you set the ball in motion to actually separate your husband may put the brakes on. Mine freaked out once the details were worked out and took a step back. But now that's he's had some time he still wants to go forward. And I'm like you- realizing that I need to let him go for both of our sakes.

We can walk this road together.

Thanks so much. Your post made me feel better. I can't emphasize enough how shocked I am to be at this point, but I really am accepting that we need to just tell the kids and start living the New Normal. It isn't what I want, but this is what he wants and I can't stop him. I'm furious with him for yanking us around like this, and I feel like I need to just take control and manage this in the best way possible for my boys. One of us has to be the adult and provide stability for the kids.

He of course wants joint custody, which I don't mind in theory (he's a great dad) but I'm not able to agree to what he wants re: schedule - he wants to do a 2-2-3 rotation, but I think that would be horribly confusing and chaotic for the kids. Even alternating weeks would feel rough for them - and they'd never feel like they have a "home." He is so SELFISH right now. Only thinking of himself. I'm damn mad at him.

[Anonymous]

He's having an affair.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really don't think he's having an affair. I have access to all of his email accounts, he doesn't keep his phone locked, and he's accountable for his time (he's only really gone for work). I think it is depression and a mid-life crisis.

In some ways, I actually HOPE it is an affair - because that would make it easier for me to accept and move on. If he's intentionally deciding to leave us, that's one thing. It is harder to accept when I think he's going through some sort of mental health crisis.

[Anonymous]

He is being selfish. I went through this when my kid was much younger than yours. What got me through was focusing on what I could control, and that was me. I advocated for my kid, and being positive and definitely not hating on dad was the most important thing to the kid. Years later, he's still upset about why we're not together. I guess that's a good thing, because in front of him we try to get along, even if we disagree on things later.

He's clearly trying to figure out how to be the good guy and deal with feelings that he's missing something in life. There are so many great books that discuss these feelings if he would only read them.

But for your own sanity, work on you. Go back to focusing on how to be calm, happy, and strong. You can't control him. Separating and divorce are so stressful- I practically had a breakdown. Stayed strong for the kids sake, and personal therapy helped so much. The goal was about being healthy for myself, not "saving" the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. No, he wants to do the vacation. He has been clear about that. I think we will do it. It will be hard, but if we are going to coparent we need to learn how to do this.

He is being a selfish ass right now. We also just found out his dad has cancer, but don't yet know the severity of it or any prognosis. Great timing, asshole. I don't even really recognize him anymore, the way he is acting.

For those of you who have separated with kids, what and how did you tell them?

Interesting comment. Maybe he has good reasons to leave.

What would you call a man who, after refusing to participate in marriage counseling, signs a lease on an apartment without telling you and then says "But we should still take the kids on vacation!"

Totally agree with you OP. Your husband sounds like a father in the 1940s who might have just up and left his family. Can you guys afford a mortgage and an apartment. Get your legal ducks in a row and don't let yourself get screwed over financially.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we can afford a mortgage and an apartment. We are fine financially - I can afford to keep the house on my own salary if it comes to that. We've always lived in such a way that we'd be able to maintain our lifestyle on one salary (we both make about the same amount of money).

But yeah. After this morning, I'm determined that he needs to just go. He's not going to man up and make the decision himself. I need to do it for him - I need to ask him to leave.

[Anonymous]

I am with the folks on here who say you should tell the kids before vacation, not after. Surely they sense something is wrong, so be honest with them. As a PP said, go on vacation together as a way to demonstrate that you're still a family. If you wait until after vaca it will be dropping a bomb on them, it will be so confusing, it will be right before school, they might think that something THEY did on vaca is what ultimately caused this, etc. I'm sorry your husband is being so selfish. I think his emotional affair (which frankly is probably the tip of the iceberg) together with his booty call to you are pretty decent examples of proof that while he may be depressed, he's likely in a midlife crisis and romanticizing the idea of a "bachelor pad" where he can bed other ladies. Ick.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm hesitant to tell them before vacation because I'm worried they'll just be all hopeful that the vacation means we are getting back together. But I'm not opposed to it. We'll talk to our therapist and get his opinion tomorrow.

At this point, if husband is still undecided, I'm going to tell him he has to go. We need stability and he's not helping.