If you knew then what you know now, would you have married your husband? had kids?

[Anonymous]

I'd have to say I do regret - been together 10 years, married for 8. Two kids 4 and 1.5. No passion, no affection, limited sex anymore. His temper is outrageous - swearing, throwing things, yelling. It's scarry. I grew up with something similar - alcoholic stepfather - so maybe that's why I stay.

On the surface, he's great. A "guy's guy" - salt of the earth someone recently called him. Works hard, loves his boys. But it all changes in a split second.

We need counseling. I have brough tit up before - but with our chedules - 2 working parents - it doesn't happen. I'm just kind of hanging on to status quo. I want a 3rd shile, but can't even go there until we fix this marriage, or at least give it a little attention.

[Anonymous]

Should be 3rd child!

[Anonymous]

no i would have not. in the beginning it was great and we waited a long time to have kids but as we got older and I realized that there were more important things in life other than traveling and making money which are the 2 things he is great at - living it up but he has absolutely no nurturing skills. I realized this more when there was illness in the family and more so after we had kids - he only cares about himself. I wish I was not so naive when I got married (got married young) and if I were to do it over again, I would marry someone who group up in a similar way to me and treated his family in high regards (this says alot to me and I did not realize it before).

[Anonymous]

Like the OP, my husband burps and farts and has some other annoying habits. He can't clean a counter top to save his life. He isn't much of a planner and all of the vacation and other planning falls to me. We don't have the most passionate marriage and I wish we were intimate more often. We both work full-time and are often tired and emotionally drained. I'm sure I have my own annoying failings.

I love him all the same and definitely would marry him again and again. He is funny, smart, and dear to me. We make a really good, solid, symbiotic match (for example, I can plan AND clean counters and he takes better care of the pets than I ever could). He's a wonderful, involved father and I know he will always put me, our kids, and our family above all else. We've been together for 12 years, married for almost 10, and I hope we have another 50 or more to go.

[Anonymous]

I would not marry my husband again. I convinced myself that money doesn't matter at all (husband doesn't make much and very likely never will). The truth is that we struggle financially to a degree that it impacts our happiness. I work full-time and feel terrible resentment that it's not a choice. It's actually not even so much about the actual paycheck that comes in as much as it's about the lack of "drive" to make more and provide better financially for his family. If I saw that he was putting the same effort in or more than I am to provide, I think I would be okay. I knock myself out to find the balance between being a loving mother and earning the majority of $$ for this family. He's a loving father and husband so I do understand how fortunate I am in that regard. Our child will grow up feeling adored by both parents which I know is something that $$ could never buy.

Also, having our one child was a VERY difficult process and we're not able to have another of our own. I never imagined only having one child and it's certainly not what I want for my DD. While we could financially afford the expenses of two children, we can't afford the $30+K it will cost us to adopt or go the surrogacy route (upwards of 70/80K!!) so I hold some resentment towards him for that as well.

[Anonymous]

I think that anyone you could have married would have some issues - there's no ideal and people evolve over their lifetime. If it isn't one thing, it'd be another. I believe people expect too much perfection in marriage. In any marriage there will be good times and bad - especially if you're in it for the long haul. You also have to be aware of your own limitations and issues - maybe you're not perfect either. If you expect another person to put up with you, should they reasonably expect that you'll put up with some imperfections in them?

Aside from that, there are certain problems that are intolerable - abuse, alcoholism or drug abuse, illegal conduct, that can fundamentally shake a marriage. Certainly divorce is the right choice sometimes, but it doesn't sound like you are at that point.

Likewise, there's no right or wrong time to have kids. Early or late, there are issues both ways. Be glad you have kids that sound healthy and happy. Some people probably shouldnt have kids at all, but you dont seem to suggest that's your case. In any event, you've got em, so love them and do the best you can and be as happy as you can manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not marry my husband again. I convinced myself that money doesn't matter at all (husband doesn't make much and very likely never will). The truth is that we struggle financially to a degree that it impacts our happiness. I work full-time and feel terrible resentment that it's not a choice. It's actually not even so much about the actual paycheck that comes in as much as it's about the lack of "drive" to make more and provide better financially for his family. If I saw that he was putting the same effort in or more than I am to provide, I think I would be okay. I knock myself out to find the balance between being a loving mother and earning the majority of $$ for this family. He's a loving father and husband so I do understand how fortunate I am in that regard. Our child will grow up feeling adored by both parents which I know is something that $$ could never buy.

I'm a stay-at-home dad and, sometimes, I get vibes like these from my wife but, you know what?, I stay at home because 1. I know for a fact my wife doesn't really want to and 2. she would such at taking care of the house and child care - the only thing she can cook is chicken nuggets and she doesnt care if we've been sleeping on the same sheets for months. I'm the one who hasn't been given a choice and my wife still acts like she's doing me a favor. I resent that.