Are married men allowed to make new single female friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who are saying "we don't allow" this, just know that you aren't actually accomplishing anything. When I worked in corporate America and then the government, every single day, a different co-worker whose wife "didn't allow" him to have friends of the opposite sex took me out to lunch. Mind you, I wasn't looking to do anything with these co-workers, and these were just friendly lunches, but I could not for the life of me believe how many of them had wives who "didn't allow" friendly relationships with single people of the opposite sex. In a sense, it made these guys seek out those friendships even more, even though it never went anywhere past friendship. If you all trusted your spouses more and didn't restrict them, maybe they wouldn't actively seek out such friendships - not that I personally think there's anything wrong with single and married folks being friends.

These men were all very sweet, always respectful, kind, and I always told them they could do so much better than their controlling spouses, because they really could. Even when you are married, you do not own another person. You cannot police their lives and tell them they can't f'ing have friends. That's out of control. The sooner you learn this, the better off your marriages will be.

XO,

The Office Pretty Young Thing Befriending All Your Husbands

But wouldn't your time be better spent with eligible men? Why the constant luncheons with married men? M

She probably does that in the evening. This is at lunch time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who are saying "we don't allow" this, just know that you aren't actually accomplishing anything. When I worked in corporate America and then the government, every single day, a different co-worker whose wife "didn't allow" him to have friends of the opposite sex took me out to lunch. Mind you, I wasn't looking to do anything with these co-workers, and these were just friendly lunches, but I could not for the life of me believe how many of them had wives who "didn't allow" friendly relationships with single people of the opposite sex. In a sense, it made these guys seek out those friendships even more, even though it never went anywhere past friendship. If you all trusted your spouses more and didn't restrict them, maybe they wouldn't actively seek out such friendships - not that I personally think there's anything wrong with single and married folks being friends.

These men were all very sweet, always respectful, kind, and I always told them they could do so much better than their controlling spouses, because they really could. Even when you are married, you do not own another person. You cannot police their lives and tell them they can't f'ing have friends. That's out of control. The sooner you learn this, the better off your marriages will be.

XO,

The Office Pretty Young Thing Befriending All Your Husbands

Because the single dudes aren't interested and didn't invite her to lunch.


But wouldn't your time be better spent with eligible men? Why the constant luncheons with married men? M

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the person. I know my husband well and if he were to turn up with a new female friend I'd know he's trying to sleep with her. Some men are able to be just friends with females (like my boss for example) and some aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't do the "allow" "not allowed" thing in my marriage.

Just found out my H has had 4 affairs in the past 13 years of our 20 year marriage. BTW, I make 1/2 the HHI, we have sex multiple times a week, we never fight, and I have a healthy BMI, we date 3 times a month without the kids, we vacation without kids.

So much for trust and "affair proofing" your marriage..

This was a flawed thinking on your part. Some woman have this invisible list to check off all these things to some how affair proof a marriage. I feel bad for people who think this way e.g. if I stay skinny he won't cheat, if have sex everyday he won't cheat, if i cook for him he won't cheat, if I never fight with him( btw this is bad for any relationship) he won't cheat, if I take vacations with him he won't cheat, if get pregnant he won't cheat, if I marry him he won't cheat etc. It doesn't work that way. You can't control another adult's behavior, he is going to cheat if he wants to even if you are a perfect A+ in everything. I think the best way to reduce the chance of this happening is to be selective and aspire for marriage of mutual respect. A man who thinks highly of you. A man who appreciates being with you and vice versa. You can tell you are truly worth it through his actions. You never have to second guess yourself about how he feels about you and vise versa. They are opportunities to cheat everywhere you can't control the world, a REAL MAN recognizes his options but CHOOSES not to be unfaithful because he absolutely loves and respects his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't do the "allow" "not allowed" thing in my marriage.

Just found out my H has had 4 affairs in the past 13 years of our 20 year marriage. BTW, I make 1/2 the HHI, we have sex multiple times a week, we never fight, and I have a healthy BMI, we date 3 times a month without the kids, we vacation without kids.

So much for trust and "affair proofing" your marriage..

This was a flawed thinking on your part. Some woman have this invisible list to check off all these things to some how affair proof a marriage. I feel bad for people who think this way e.g. if I stay skinny he won't cheat, if have sex everyday he won't cheat, if i cook for him he won't cheat, if I never fight with him( btw this is bad for any relationship) he won't cheat, if I take vacations with him he won't cheat, if get pregnant he won't cheat, if I marry him he won't cheat etc. It doesn't work that way. You can't control another adult's behavior, he is going to cheat if he wants to even if you are a perfect A+ in everything. I think the best way to reduce the chance of this happening is to be selective and aspire for marriage of mutual respect. A man who thinks highly of you. A man who appreciates being with you and vice versa. You can tell you are truly worth it through his actions. You never have to second guess yourself about how he feels about you and vise versa. They are opportunities to cheat everywhere you can't control the world, a REAL MAN recognizes his options but CHOOSES not to be unfaithful because he absolutely loves and respects his wife.

Let's add.. I didn't check boxes I just love to do those things... I love my kids but am not child centered.

We love each other, we respected each other (he still respects me, I don't respect him), He greeted me with coffee every morning, he seeks out my opinion because he knows I am smart and level headed, I am fun and full of surprises, he brought me a present every week, I adored him, missed him when he was gone, couldn't wait to hear about his day (my day is much less interesting).... No clue he had an alter ego.

When we described out life, love and respect to our marriage counselor he basically said we did not need marriage counseling, my H just chooses to chest, period. That is it. Nothing we can do to work on the marriage.

[Anonymous]

geez. my husband is "allowed" to be friends with whomever he pleases; so am I. I trust us both to maintain healthy boundaries with our friends. There have been a couple of times when I had to withdraw from friendships with single male friends who weren't respecting my boundaries. I assume DH would do the same, and he's never given me reason for concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't do the "allow" "not allowed" thing in my marriage.

Just found out my H has had 4 affairs in the past 13 years of our 20 year marriage. BTW, I make 1/2 the HHI, we have sex multiple times a week, we never fight, and I have a healthy BMI, we date 3 times a month without the kids, we vacation without kids.

So much for trust and "affair proofing" your marriage..

This was a flawed thinking on your part. Some woman have this invisible list to check off all these things to some how affair proof a marriage. I feel bad for people who think this way e.g. if I stay skinny he won't cheat, if have sex everyday he won't cheat, if i cook for him he won't cheat, if I never fight with him( btw this is bad for any relationship) he won't cheat, if I take vacations with him he won't cheat, if get pregnant he won't cheat, if I marry him he won't cheat etc. It doesn't work that way. You can't control another adult's behavior, he is going to cheat if he wants to even if you are a perfect A+ in everything. I think the best way to reduce the chance of this happening is to be selective and aspire for marriage of mutual respect. A man who thinks highly of you. A man who appreciates being with you and vice versa. You can tell you are truly worth it through his actions. You never have to second guess yourself about how he feels about you and vise versa. They are opportunities to cheat everywhere you can't control the world, a REAL MAN recognizes his options but CHOOSES not to be unfaithful because he absolutely loves and respects his wife.

Let's add.. I didn't check boxes I just love to do those things... I love my kids but am not child centered.

We love each other, we respected each other (he still respects me, I don't respect him), He greeted me with coffee every morning, he seeks out my opinion because he knows I am smart and level headed, I am fun and full of surprises, he brought me a present every week, I adored him, missed him when he was gone, couldn't wait to hear about his day (my day is much less interesting).... No clue he had an alter ego.

When we described out life, love and respect to our marriage counselor he basically said we did not need marriage counseling, my H just chooses to chest, period. That is it. Nothing we can do to work on the marriage.

This is why I don't try to police my husband having friends, etc. We have a good marriage, he loves me, I love him, mutual respect, healthy love life, etc. If he ever cheats, barring major changes in our marriage preceding the cheating, it won't be something I could have prevented with better behavior on my part, it will be a choice he makes. I'm not going to make myself crazy trying to prevent a grown man from doing something that I, in reality, have no control over. If he cheats, it's on him, not me. Just like it's on me if I ever cheat. We're both responsible for our own behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who are saying "we don't allow" this, just know that you aren't actually accomplishing anything. When I worked in corporate America and then the government, every single day, a different co-worker whose wife "didn't allow" him to have friends of the opposite sex took me out to lunch. Mind you, I wasn't looking to do anything with these co-workers, and these were just friendly lunches, but I could not for the life of me believe how many of them had wives who "didn't allow" friendly relationships with single people of the opposite sex. In a sense, it made these guys seek out those friendships even more, even though it never went anywhere past friendship. If you all trusted your spouses more and didn't restrict them, maybe they wouldn't actively seek out such friendships - not that I personally think there's anything wrong with single and married folks being friends.

These men were all very sweet, always respectful, kind, and I always told them they could do so much better than their controlling spouses, because they really could. Even when you are married, you do not own another person. You cannot police their lives and tell them they can't f'ing have friends. That's out of control. The sooner you learn this, the better off your marriages will be.

XO,

The Office Pretty Young Thing Befriending All Your Husbands

But wouldn't your time be better spent with eligible men? Why the constant luncheons with married men? M

She probably does that in the evening. This is at lunch time.

It's fine going to lunch with married men for work purposes. However, the fact it's such a trend and the PP writes a lengthy post about it indicates there's something amiss. A normal single woman with a lot going for her wouldn't post about the many married men she's having lunch with. When I was young and single I couldn't have cared less.

[Anonymous]

Well, this is DCUM after all, so let's make it clear that under no circumstances should married men be allowed to have female, much less single female friends.

But married women should be allowed to have any friends they want and their husbands should just shut their sexist pie holes about it.

Gotta maintain that DCUM double standard.

[Anonymous]

Well listen OP, the amount of time that a person needs to put one on one into a new relationship to make it a close friendship is significant. If I knew that my husband was spending enough alone time with a new woman to create that kind of a bond I would be worried.

That said, a work friendship that slowly develops where my DH is transparent (ie, talks openly about the person but not obsessively) and where I am not excluded (ie, introduces me happily at events where I run into them and friends me on facebook) wouldn't bother me.

If that led to suddenly my DH going to saturday matinees with a woman alone without me? Well then I'd be a little concerned.

I mean basically you know it when you see it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but if you don't trust your spouse to have single friends of the opposite gender, then you don't have enough trust to support a healthy, stable marriage. You can get married, but that central foundation of trust that you build your lives upon will be fragile and will not support you through the ups and downs of normal marriage. You will find too many times that as you together struggle through some emotional trial that your lack of solid trust will make those moments so much more complicated and difficult to cope with. Any one of those moments of emotional stress where you need your partner to help support you and have your back, you will not know whether (s)he does.

I would never marry someone that I did not intrinsically trust to my core to have my well-being first and foremost. My spouse and I complement each other because we each put the other's well-being, physical and emotional above our own and we willingly sacrifice many things for the other. And we have no doubts about friends we each hold, regardless of their gender or marital status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who are saying "we don't allow" this, just know that you aren't actually accomplishing anything. When I worked in corporate America and then the government, every single day, a different co-worker whose wife "didn't allow" him to have friends of the opposite sex took me out to lunch. Mind you, I wasn't looking to do anything with these co-workers, and these were just friendly lunches, but I could not for the life of me believe how many of them had wives who "didn't allow" friendly relationships with single people of the opposite sex. In a sense, it made these guys seek out those friendships even more, even though it never went anywhere past friendship. If you all trusted your spouses more and didn't restrict them, maybe they wouldn't actively seek out such friendships - not that I personally think there's anything wrong with single and married folks being friends.

These men were all very sweet, always respectful, kind, and I always told them they could do so much better than their controlling spouses, because they really could. Even when you are married, you do not own another person. You cannot police their lives and tell them they can't f'ing have friends. That's out of control. The sooner you learn this, the better off your marriages will be.

XO,

The Office Pretty Young Thing Befriending All Your Husbands

But wouldn't your time be better spent with eligible men? Why the constant luncheons with married men? M

Corporate America job, for whatever reason, my employer never hired single straight men. Ever. They actually actively avoided it. And in the government, it was an all female office, neighboring offices mainly had married men who I got to know at the gym and coffee shop, so we'd grab lunch. Evenings and weekends are always reserved for dates with eligible men.

For those who called me single forever, single by choice is also a very real thing. I exited the dating market when I left my government job to start a small biz and I'm only just now re-entering it. I wanted zero distractions so I could build and grow my biz, so I basically took a vow of celibacy. This December will be 3 years of no dating and no sex, but now that my company is where I want it to be, I'm opening the door to dating again. Not everyone's goal is marriage and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who are saying "we don't allow" this, just know that you aren't actually accomplishing anything. When I worked in corporate America and then the government, every single day, a different co-worker whose wife "didn't allow" him to have friends of the opposite sex took me out to lunch. Mind you, I wasn't looking to do anything with these co-workers, and these were just friendly lunches, but I could not for the life of me believe how many of them had wives who "didn't allow" friendly relationships with single people of the opposite sex. In a sense, it made these guys seek out those friendships even more, even though it never went anywhere past friendship. If you all trusted your spouses more and didn't restrict them, maybe they wouldn't actively seek out such friendships - not that I personally think there's anything wrong with single and married folks being friends.

These men were all very sweet, always respectful, kind, and I always told them they could do so much better than their controlling spouses, because they really could. Even when you are married, you do not own another person. You cannot police their lives and tell them they can't f'ing have friends. That's out of control. The sooner you learn this, the better off your marriages will be.

XO,

The Office Pretty Young Thing Befriending All Your Husbands

But wouldn't your time be better spent with eligible men? Why the constant luncheons with married men? M

Corporate America job, for whatever reason, my employer never hired single straight men. Ever. They actually actively avoided it. And in the government, it was an all female office, neighboring offices mainly had married men who I got to know at the gym and coffee shop, so we'd grab lunch. Evenings and weekends are always reserved for dates with eligible men.

For those who called me single forever, single by choice is also a very real thing. I exited the dating market when I left my government job to start a small biz and I'm only just now re-entering it. I wanted zero distractions so I could build and grow my biz, so I basically took a vow of celibacy. This December will be 3 years of no dating and no sex, but now that my company is where I want it to be, I'm opening the door to dating again. Not everyone's goal is marriage and kids.

You are very unique in your opinions and beliefs. Building a business does not mean you can't have sex or fall in love. Also get off your soapbox about your lunch dates with married men. It's just strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well listen OP, the amount of time that a person needs to put one on one into a new relationship to make it a close friendship is significant. If I knew that my husband was spending enough alone time with a new woman to create that kind of a bond I would be worried.

That said, a work friendship that slowly develops where my DH is transparent (ie, talks openly about the person but not obsessively) and where I am not excluded (ie, introduces me happily at events where I run into them and friends me on facebook) wouldn't bother me.

If that led to suddenly my DH going to saturday matinees with a woman alone without me? Well then I'd be a little concerned.

I mean basically you know it when you see it.

+1

I also think at the end of the day there will be people that feel it's okay for husband to go to a Saturday matinee alone with a new single female friend he met post marriage. Although I don't get it, as long as you and your spouse are on the same page, that's all that matters.

I would also say there is no allow of not allow, I'm not going to say to DH he is not allowed to make a new single female friend. However, I am a believer in you treat other people how you want to be treated so I may ask questions but that is to get the lay of the land. After I see okay, he sees xyz as acceptable, that means I can do the same thing. I'm certainly not going to sit back at home with the kids while he is out on the town and constantly texting new single female friends. He would be home with the kids on certain nights as I get back into salsa dancing and find a dance partner for starts. I make a choice to text my husband funny things, try to spend most of what little free time we have at the same time with him, turn to him first when something is bothering me at work or in general. I think he appreciates it and does the same for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who are saying "we don't allow" this, just know that you aren't actually accomplishing anything. When I worked in corporate America and then the government, every single day, a different co-worker whose wife "didn't allow" him to have friends of the opposite sex took me out to lunch. Mind you, I wasn't looking to do anything with these co-workers, and these were just friendly lunches, but I could not for the life of me believe how many of them had wives who "didn't allow" friendly relationships with single people of the opposite sex. In a sense, it made these guys seek out those friendships even more, even though it never went anywhere past friendship. If you all trusted your spouses more and didn't restrict them, maybe they wouldn't actively seek out such friendships - not that I personally think there's anything wrong with single and married folks being friends.

These men were all very sweet, always respectful, kind, and I always told them they could do so much better than their controlling spouses, because they really could. Even when you are married, you do not own another person. You cannot police their lives and tell them they can't f'ing have friends. That's out of control. The sooner you learn this, the better off your marriages will be.

XO,

The Office Pretty Young Thing Befriending All Your Husbands

But wouldn't your time be better spent with eligible men? Why the constant luncheons with married men? M

Corporate America job, for whatever reason, my employer never hired single straight men. Ever. They actually actively avoided it. And in the government, it was an all female office, neighboring offices mainly had married men who I got to know at the gym and coffee shop, so we'd grab lunch. Evenings and weekends are always reserved for dates with eligible men.

For those who called me single forever, single by choice is also a very real thing. I exited the dating market when I left my government job to start a small biz and I'm only just now re-entering it. I wanted zero distractions so I could build and grow my biz, so I basically took a vow of celibacy. This December will be 3 years of no dating and no sex, but now that my company is where I want it to be, I'm opening the door to dating again. Not everyone's goal is marriage and kids.

You are very unique in your opinions and beliefs. Building a business does not mean you can't have sex or fall in love. Also get off your soapbox about your lunch dates with married men. It's just strange.

I was never on a soapbox. Too many women on DCUM don't realize that all these rules and regulations they put on their spouses do nothing more than drive them straight to the thing they are forbidding. Sometimes these explanations help them realize that they need to loosen their grips instead of tightening them.