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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't do the "allow" "not allowed" thing in my marriage.

Just found out my H has had 4 affairs in the past 13 years of our 20 year marriage. BTW, I make 1/2 the HHI, we have sex multiple times a week, we never fight, and I have a healthy BMI, we date 3 times a month without the kids, we vacation without kids.

So much for trust and "affair proofing" your marriage..

[/quote]

This was a flawed thinking on your part. Some woman have this invisible list to check off all these things to some how affair proof a marriage. I feel bad for people who think this way e.g. if I stay skinny he won't cheat, if have sex everyday he won't cheat, if i cook for him he won't cheat, if I never fight with him( btw this is bad for any relationship) he won't cheat, if I take vacations with him he won't cheat, if get pregnant he won't cheat, if I marry him he won't cheat etc. It doesn't work that way. You can't control another adult's behavior, he is going to cheat if he wants to even if you are a perfect A+ in everything. I think the best way to reduce the chance of this happening is to be selective and aspire for marriage of mutual respect. A man who thinks highly of you. A man who appreciates being with you and vice versa. You can tell you are truly worth it through his actions. You never have to second guess yourself about how he feels about you and vise versa. They are opportunities to cheat everywhere you can't control the world, a REAL MAN recognizes his options but CHOOSES not to be unfaithful because he absolutely loves and respects his wife. [/quote]

Let's  add.. I didn't check boxes I just love to do those things... I love my kids but am not child centered.

We love each other, we respected each other (he still respects me, I don't respect him), He greeted me with coffee every morning, he seeks out my opinion because he knows I am smart and level headed, I am fun and full of surprises, he brought me a present every week, I adored him, missed him when he was gone, couldn't wait to hear about his day (my day is much less interesting).... No clue he had an alter ego.

When we described out life, love and respect to our marriage counselor he basically said we did not need marriage counseling, my H just chooses to chest, period. That is it. Nothing we can do to work on the marriage.[/quote]

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